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Re: Justapokemonstory.

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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 05:06 AM
(( All OOC in out of brackets, no one liners, no god modding, stay along with the story liner, and, do not troll, do not hate, No legendaries allowed, Any pokemon that might be considered fair is allowed for starter.I'll start, and yes, this is a chain story.))


I had just awoken to the sound of a my obnoxiously loud alarm clock, as I grabbed a pillow and covered my head over with it, I heard the door to my room open, I groaned loud enough so that the intruder of my personal sanctum would be able to understand my displeasure with their unnecessary intrusion.I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and proceed to shake me, Once more I groaned, and tossed the pillow in a random direction, which resulted in this person laughing, I forced my eyelids apart, rubbing the sleep from them, I glanced up to see my mother, her usual, uncaring expression stared down at me as a stranger might glance at a child that was screaming and kicking as their mother dragged them away from whatever miscellanea item they had gained interest in, I sighed, obliging with my mothers obnoxious demands, I stood up, and prepared myself for the long journey ahead of me, I would grab my backpack, and my belt for storing my pokeballs, I would release another sigh before heading out the door, yelling a casual goodbye to my mother, never have gotten that close to her in all honesty, I cared not, even looked forward to my journey ,as I sat off to Professor Birch's lab, I waited up against the door, in hopes of spotting any other human being of my age, for I desired conversation in this boring and lonely place.
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RubixHero is not online. RubixHero
Joined: 25 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 2911
02 Jun 2013 05:08 AM
TL;DR
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 05:11 AM
Stupid, obnoxious, uncaring trolls like you.Oh how I hate your guts. Gt;fo is all I am able to say to you, I am going to remake this thread, keep your comments to yourself, please.
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RubixHero is not online. RubixHero
Joined: 25 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 2911
02 Jun 2013 05:15 AM
You're overreacting.
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 05:22 AM
I am simply fed up with every thing I try and post receiving unnecessary and hateful, unasked for, criticism, be it from me making a point, or even trying to make a complaint, its always the same.
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
02 Jun 2013 05:33 AM
It's a good start, but you need to beware on the spacing out of your sentences, and paragraphing. Also, this is a bit short - is this the whole story? If not, fine.

What do you mean by "chain story"?

Lastly, make sure not to drag on sentences too long. For example, the last sentence is over half ot it:

"I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and proceed to shake me, Once more I groaned, and tossed the pillow in a random direction, which resulted in this person laughing, I forced my eyelids apart, rubbing the sleep from them, I glanced up to see my mother, her usual, uncaring expression stared down at me as a stranger might glance at a child that was screaming and kicking as their mother dragged them away from whatever miscellanea item they had gained interest in, I sighed, obliging with my mothers obnoxious demands, I stood up, and prepared myself for the long journey ahead of me, I would grab my backpack, and my belt for storing my pokeballs, I would release another sigh before heading out the door, yelling a casual goodbye to my mother, never have gotten that close to her in all honesty, I cared not, even looked forward to my journey ,as I sat off to Professor Birch's lab, I waited up against the door, in hopes of spotting any other human being of my age, for I desired conversation in this boring and lonely place."

Yes, that's a whole sentence, I guess. Make sure to spread it out - not so many commas, more full stops and dashes.

For example:

I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and proceed to shake me. Once more I groaned, and tossed my pillow in a random direction, the result of this being the person laughing. I forced my eyelids open, rubbing the sleep from them. I glanced up to see my mother, with her usual uncaring expression stared down at me, like how a stranger might glance at a child that was screaming and kicking as their mother dragged them away from whatever miscellanea item they had gained interest in. I sighed, obliging with my mothers obnoxious demands.

It's a good idea, however.
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 05:39 AM
-Sighs- If there were a way to delete threads Id have done it already o-x
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
02 Jun 2013 05:41 AM
Why would you want to delete this thread? It's a good idea compared to the norm of pokémon stories, unwillingly being pulled into it. I'm simply giving you some advice.
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 05:49 AM
Everyone who reads my stories : FOCUZ ON MAYKING EET LONGURR!!!
Me : -Tries to, gets above results, feels horrid, tries to make a roleplaying thread, gets no responses, about to give up and just play minecraft for a bit-
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
02 Jun 2013 05:54 AM
Well, it is very short, I'm afraid. I thought it was the opening to a short story. Just take your time - an hour is enough to write a decent opening / chapter 1 to a story.
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 06:10 AM
It was just me trying to post something I started writing on.
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
02 Jun 2013 06:12 AM
I'm not saying it's bad, and I said it's a great idea. For an intro, it could be maybe a bit longer, but it just needs a bit of ironing out.
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NinjaMan471 is not online. NinjaMan471
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 1504
02 Jun 2013 08:05 AM
tl;dr is not really criticism
and it's not really hateful
sometimes it is neccesary (but not in this case)

and how does that mean they want it longer
if they didn't read it because it was too long

________________________________________________


Now
the story was a bit short
and like supermario said, it did have run-on sentences
but
it was a good plot
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xMetalxOgrex is not online. xMetalxOgrex
Joined: 27 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 53
02 Jun 2013 07:47 PM
I was not talking about him, I had uploaded stuff to fanfic and my friends have read it and some strangers, yada yada yada, and its been the same, 400 words, 200 words, 300 words, yeah, Im a horrible righter, Im done for the time being .
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