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Re: Prologue for a possible story- opinions, please!

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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
31 May 2013 01:30 PM
Shadows hung drearily over an alley in the deeps of the dark, medieval city, where a little boy sat, nibbling on a previously hot bun, now drenched with the cold that seeped through the air.

A low step was heard as he stood up, having finished the bun, which had only partly filled his empty stomach.

He turned to his left, where against the wood of the inn next to him was a filthy, threadbare blanket.
Grabbing it, he wrapped it around himself, cursing the chill in his thin voice, and laying down on the mud he had been standing on with a shiver.

He tried to shut the cold out, and empty his mind so sleep would come, but it thwarted his efforts for shut-eye once again- of course, he had dealt with the same issue the last night, ever since the wretched cold of the incoming winter had settled into the city of Nordem, which he hated greatly, despite the dull fact he had lived there almost his entire life - or atleast, since he had been alone.
He stood up, rolling his shoulders to get rid of the ache that laying on the ground brought on, and instead of adjusting his blanket again, or his thin cap, he reached with hesitation just under the collar of the thin denim shirt he wore, and pulled out a locket, made out of cheap metal and inscribed with the simple but cherishing words; 'I love you'.
He stared at the words, and as he read them for the thousandth time, his face darkened with the hatred that almost always followed lonliness. He opened it up with a low sigh and glared at the three faces on the old, tattered picture.

A tiny boy with black hair was caressed between the arms of a smiling woman with light, curly hair, and a stocky man with a serious expression and dark, combed hair, though the color was not to be seen from the sketched picture.
He shut it with force, and strained to dispell the tears of anger and frustration building in his eyes.
"Why me?" he breathed into the air, his breath fogging into the smoggy air above him.

Same as the last night, and the night before, and every night of his memory, the only answer he got was silence, along with the sound of a low sob, as he wiped his tears and tucked his necklace back under his shirt, and layed down once more uncomfortably, sleep finally clutching his mind into it's dark recesses.


----

Alright, so this will be a chapter story, and I will post more chapters on another thread when I write up to chapters 10-12 or so.

Opinions, please, and if you read it I would appreciate you commenting!
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Quasar99 is not online. Quasar99
Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 9328
31 May 2013 01:32 PM
put this in the roleplaying forum

would you like fries with that.
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Federate is not online. Federate
Joined: 20 May 2013
Total Posts: 534
31 May 2013 01:44 PM
I like it. :P
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
31 May 2013 02:12 PM
@Quasar,

It is not a roleplay, therefore, no.


@Federate,

Thank you! c:
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
31 May 2013 03:31 PM
Anyone else?
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Quasar99 is not online. Quasar99
Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 9328
31 May 2013 03:43 PM
the roleplaying forum is FOR stories AND roleplays

would you like fries with that.
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Federate is not online. Federate
Joined: 20 May 2013
Total Posts: 534
31 May 2013 04:50 PM
Np.

@Quasar,
She's in the right place. This is titled "I Made that." She made this story, and there's nothing against art of any kind. This is not a RP anyhow. It's technically a short story atm. Therefore it's in the right forum section.
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
31 May 2013 07:46 PM
Bump. c:
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wackamack1 is not online. wackamack1
Joined: 18 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 241
31 May 2013 08:17 PM
Could use some edits, but overall, great! :D

~The Azure Horseman~
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
31 May 2013 08:28 PM
@Wackamack,

Thanks! If you could point out what needs editing, I'd appreciate it. c:
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wackamack1 is not online. wackamack1
Joined: 18 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 241
31 May 2013 08:38 PM
Np. The major thing is that you need a main character. If the boy is him, it should be made into first person. And, if you're going to be doing full chapter posts, I suggest making them longer. ^-^

~The Azure Horseman~
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wackamack1 is not online. wackamack1
Joined: 18 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 241
31 May 2013 08:42 PM
And if you want, just PM me for advice on plot details, settings, characters, anything. I've written a few books myself.

~The Azure Horseman~
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
01 Jun 2013 01:26 PM
Thanks! Oh, don't worry, he is the main character, I just wanted the prologue itself to be vague, more of a glimpse of character than the actual analyzing of the character himself - as in the actual chapters, he will be much older.

Thank you for the help! c:
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
01 Jun 2013 01:27 PM
Also, it's going to be in third person, as I'm trying to learn how to do third-person better. All my stories so far have been first person, and third-person also gives me a more open way to switch between views of different people in the story without any confusion.

Thanks again!
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EpicTinyroblox099 is not online. EpicTinyroblox099
Joined: 07 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 6170
01 Jun 2013 01:57 PM
Awesome. I really can't write that good. :P
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
02 Jun 2013 05:04 PM
@Epic,

Thank you! It means a lot to hear. c:
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lolypopcherrydrop is not online. lolypopcherrydrop
Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 634
02 Jun 2013 05:45 PM
@Quasar, IMT includes stories, not just videos. She's in the right place.

@HotCoffeePot, Wow! This is impressive! You're a great writer- keep it up!
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HotCoffeePot is not online. HotCoffeePot
Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 808
02 Jun 2013 05:46 PM
@lolypop,

Thanks so much! It means so much to hear you say that. :D
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