bardo
|
  |
| Joined: 29 Aug 2008 |
| Total Posts: 7427 |
|
|
| 23 Oct 2011 06:28 AM |
CAPTER ONE.
BAUER: So you think this will work?
JamFromHell: Of course it would, I tested it out myself.
BAUER: I really don't think it's safe, and who did you test it out on?
FruitBox walks in and nods his head at Jam.
FB: Me, and it worked, Don't you see how much more stronger,skilled and smarter I am? Honestly BAUER. Anyway I have requested other Generals to come here to also test it out, i've also asked aidsfighter and bardo to come.
JamFromHell:Bardo is coming? I thought it was High ranks only.
FB: Bardo has proved his skill, loyalty and leadership to me many a time. The doors burst open and the people who walks in are General 1Fire, Officer Aidsfighter and Captain bardo.
FB: Where are the rest of you?
Bardo:I'm sorry sir, there was an assult at Arvore and mostly everyone is dead, only a few soldiers survived and the High Ranks were gaged and captured.
Aidsfighter: We couldn't stop them, we failed you sir.
FB: Stop who?
1Fire: They almost killed us, we were cornered in and we are lucky to be alive.
FB:Who are they?
Bardo: They were coming in there thousands, we were so outnumbered!
FB: FOR GOD SAKE, WHO!?!?!
Bardo,Aidsfighter & 1Fire: NFC! WHO ELSE?!?!
FB: But we were not in a real war with them.
Bardo: Well we are now, the've just made it personal. Ready up, were going in.
BAUER,JamFromHell,Bardo,FruitBox,1Fire and Aidsfighter all got guns, ammo, grenades and swords, ready to take a last stand.
FB: Get the remaining Survivors and lets teach NFC a lesson. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Oct 2011 06:29 AM |
Nice title. I like it.
[I do this "Mini-Modding" bit from time to time because the normal run-of-the-mill "Mini-Mods" just don't crush enough souls.] |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
bardo
|
  |
| Joined: 29 Aug 2008 |
| Total Posts: 7427 |
|
|
| 23 Oct 2011 06:33 AM |
| Thanks, once I get enough veiws I will make Chapter 2. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Oct 2011 06:35 AM |
I used to write group stories lol.
Then I lost my motive and kind of stopped.
[I do this "Mini-Modding" bit from time to time because the normal run-of-the-mill "Mini-Mods" just don't crush enough souls.] |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
dylanm122
|
  |
| Joined: 28 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 110 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
garybolt
|
  |
| Joined: 14 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 427 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| 25 Oct 2011 08:04 PM |
| Nice story bardo. Just make it a little longer and check your grammar. And add more details. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 06 Nov 2011 12:33 PM |
| This is only 'CAPTER' 1! xD Lolz. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
pepsman
|
  |
| Joined: 29 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 152 |
|
| |
|
|
| 01 Feb 2012 05:09 PM |
| @pepsman: Says mah own mouth! It would just make the story a little more interesting you know. :) |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 01 Feb 2012 05:09 PM |
| Needs more treble, the bass is drowning it out. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
romuluz
|
  |
| Joined: 12 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 18124 |
|
|
| 23 May 2013 05:59 PM |
Format is all wrong, there are practically no descriptives and why the whole super soldier bit and characters walking in with no seeming purpose?
This needs A LOT of work. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
ShadowSTR
|
  |
| Joined: 08 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 24465 |
|
|
| 23 May 2013 06:00 PM |
Heh. The title refers to the state of rsf How ironic |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|