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Re: Fallen Swords (Story Preview)

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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 06:57 AM
This is only a small preview of the story that I am writing. Please feel free to comment, give feedback, and edit. Suggestions would also be much appreciated. Thank you.

Fallen Swords
Fathat121 Writing Productions™
A temperate breeze drifted through the dusk, trifling its way past verdant foliage; shaded by moonlight. Gliding through a group of trees, it saw what no one else could ever be adjusted to witness. In a clearing, within the thicket, sprawled out upon the forest floor, was what appeared to be a man. The breeze ambled closer, as though it were a pair of curious eyes. However, as soon as the updraft flurried towards the clearing, it dispersed into a breath of invisible smoke. The man pushed himself up, face hidden by a black hood affixed to an armored robe. He turned his head upwards, as the moon’s luminescence exposed a malignant grin, snarling beneath his hood. He had noticed the breeze, although it was ghostly concealed. For, his senses were much greater than that of an ordinary human’s. For he, was not human, but instead a drow. Slowly, his hands shifted upwards, then grasped the ends of his obsidian colored hood. Suddenly, with a jerking motion, the drow thrust his hands upwards, and the cloak whisked off, billowing in the wind.

The drow looked much like a human; although his silken, white hair and smooth, gray skin set him apart. He also had pointed ears, much like an elf’s. The drow looked upwards, his face solemn and patient. Green eyes gleaming like a pair of venomous daggers, poised for striking.
“You will not escape,” he rasped, in a voice that sounded like wood. “There is no point in hiding; I know that you are here”. The drow continued speaking, this time with a hint of irritation; in his voice.
“Come out, or I shall force you to reveal yourself”. Nothing stirred throughout the forest, but the drow’s ears pricked, and he could hear controlled breathing behind a tree.

“Fine,” he spoke. “Still know, that you are the cause of what shall commence”

“Svarog!” He raised a hand towards a tree, and it burst into a concussion of flames. The drow stared as the tree burned to a crisp, but he was no fool.
“Achlahyr,” he cursed. The drow could speak English, but always swore in Droven. He knew that his target was still alive; most likely, unharmed by his attack. The drow crouched to the ground and punched a stone. It shattered upon the impact of his fist.

“You will not escape,” he repeated, this time, more bitterly. He spat upon the ground, then ran off into the forest; leaving his cloak behind and determined to fulfill his pursuit.
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 09:49 AM
If you think that this is bad work, feel free to express those opinions. I need all the help that I can get.
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Quasar99 is not online. Quasar99
Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 9328
18 May 2013 09:53 AM
"tri·fling
/ˈtrīf(ə)liNG/
Adjective
Unimportant or trivial.
Synonyms
trivial - petty - insignificant - piddling - paltry
"

"Trifling through" isn't a sentence

would you like fries with that.
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
18 May 2013 10:32 AM
Interesting, but so far not all that unique. Do you have plans on making a bigger plot than "drow assassin kills some people," and how much ketchup would you like on that burger?
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 11:32 AM
Recesity, I'm glad you asked that. Yes, I do in fact have a much bigger plot idea. It's confidential. However, I shall tell you that this story includes magical swords.
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
18 May 2013 11:35 AM
"magical swords"

HIVEMIND SPLITTING
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 11:35 AM
Quasar, words can have different definitions. Trifling also means dawdling. I'm using it in a way to define the slow, movement that the breeze traveled.
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 11:39 AM
Yeah, I can see points of this story where I would change. Well, I guess it's back to the pancake board.
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
18 May 2013 11:41 AM
Your pancake needs:

More flour (content)

More sugar (relaxed parts)

More lemon juice (seeing as it is a combat one, probably gore, but also sadness)

More sauce (originality - new yet use tried and tested techniques for the base)
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 11:45 AM
1. By content, do you mean more detail or text? Keep in mind, that this is only a short preview of the prologue.

2. This is only about one third of prologue, so it's supposed to be intense.

3. Thanks, I'll be sure keep that in mind.

4. I understand that this appears to be somewhat unoriginal, however I have my own confidential (and original) ideas, and will use them in time.

Thanks, your feedback was extremely helpful to me.
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
18 May 2013 12:01 PM
1) More backstory and stuff

2) Sure. I'm just saying, for the actual story, remember to have relaxed parts.

3) Cool.

4) It's not totally unoriginal - as long as you make some good backstories and concepts.
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 12:05 PM
1. This is sill the prologue, backstory will be revealed throughout the story,

2. Thanks, I'll write that down in my help pad.

3. No comment.

4. Yeah, I've already got a confidential plot in mind.
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Supermariomania is not online. Supermariomania
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 9028
18 May 2013 12:09 PM
Neato.
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 05:17 PM
Okay, thanks, I edited the preview, and I'm now continuing the prologue.
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alpha8 is not online. alpha8
Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Total Posts: 22625
18 May 2013 05:28 PM
i cant stop thinking it was drow ranger from dota
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 06:03 PM
What is DOTA?
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alpha8 is not online. alpha8
Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Total Posts: 22625
18 May 2013 06:04 PM
defense of the ancients

basically you pick a character and try to win the game by taking over the enemy base

theres a character called traxex the drow ranger
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
18 May 2013 06:05 PM
Cool, we should probably stop bumping this thread. People might start becoming annoyed.
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