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| 11 May 2013 10:53 PM |
Do you think this is a good start? The story is about Shaun Koben, a young boy being raised by a german family in the late 1900's. Suddenly, a series of events lead up to Shaun having to be protected by an infamous gang of theives and bandits from Halflings; part human, part gooey/liquid substance resembling sulfuric acid. As Shaun grows up, he has to deal with the hardships of his only friends and family dying around him, and of course, the end of the world. Each ten chapters = 1 year of his life.
BEGINNING:
It's time for me to say goodbye. As the revolver shakes in my hand, slightly rubbing up against by scalp, it's hard to believe such fate can come to the pure hearted doings of a child. My name is Shaun Koben, I lived in Bernlin, Germany, before the happenings of this story arose. Now, I'm in France; only god knows where within. Everyone I know is dead or missing in action, except my bulldog, Francis. He's beside me now, obviously having the time of his life. If only Francis understood that him and myself were about to die, the only door into the room (that i'm in) being crushed under the halflings power. Oh, yes. Did I mention that all of east civilization has been under attack from half acid half people mutants? I didn't? Well then, you know now. Did you also know that if they so much as scratch you then you start to become one? No? Well then, i'll be danmed. Yeah, the east is screwed; me and maybe one other are the only ones still alive as far as I know. Soon, only the one other will be alive. But I'm not letting the halflings get me. They haven't yet, and they never will. All i have to do is pull the trigger, and they'll miss out on the prey. I wish i could take poor francis out too, but I couldn't kill an animal, and he may just survive. Who knows, dog's are fast. It all started on July 18, 1978...
How is it so far? Any suggestions? |
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| 11 May 2013 10:54 PM |
| That cookie cutter beginning made me stop reading. |
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| 11 May 2013 10:54 PM |
| Sorry. Again, it's just alpha. I'm revising it tomorrow. |
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| 11 May 2013 10:55 PM |
| that's gonna take a hell of a while |
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| 11 May 2013 10:57 PM |
the plural of dogs isn't dog's
dog's = dog possessive
dogs = more than one dog |
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| 11 May 2013 10:59 PM |
The beginning is just in it's outline stage, basically. There are five stages that i have made when writing:
1. Outline: The main happenings and plot points. <--- where i'm at 2. Revision: Grammar and Spelling corrections. 3. Rewrite, put more thought into the plot points, remove junk. 4. Revision2: Revision again :P 5. Pubish: send the noval/novella out. |
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| 11 May 2013 10:59 PM |
| And again, thank's for the constructive critisism. |
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Hanibowl
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| Joined: 09 Jan 2013 |
| Total Posts: 588 |
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| 11 May 2013 11:03 PM |
Great 1. More detail on mutants 2. What halflings are 3. More intricate and fascinating words. |
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Hanibowl
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| Joined: 09 Jan 2013 |
| Total Posts: 588 |
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| 11 May 2013 11:04 PM |
| Just a few things and make everything clear, so even a child could understand it, except for the big words. |
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| 11 May 2013 11:08 PM |
| Han, I already explained that the mutants are halflings. Plus, this will be more aimed twords 14 to 18 year olds, not twords children. It's going to be a horror/thriller. |
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JunJoe
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| Joined: 01 Apr 2013 |
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Section16
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| Joined: 03 May 2013 |
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| 11 May 2013 11:14 PM |
| What? Did you notice I speller Berlin wrong because this dang kindle is hard to type with? |
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| 11 May 2013 11:19 PM |
| I REALLY Don't like the idea of the mutants, but other than that it's good... |
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Section16
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| Joined: 03 May 2013 |
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| 11 May 2013 11:25 PM |
Good for you, ghost. Even though your not impressive in the least. You just copied the ancient tomb cartoon and added dinosaurs. Good job.
And tiresome, I agree. I am only in the outline for the entire plot, and I'm trying to get rid of the words mutant and halfling. |
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moose1997
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| Joined: 04 Jul 2008 |
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| 11 May 2013 11:31 PM |
| Plus, ghost, its not easy getting a Tv show on air. Did you think that out? This is a book, and I plan to publish it because I do think ahead. And your entire plot can be summed up to about three episodes, and has many loopholes. Plus, you don't give away the entire plot away, now the show turns predictable. |
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| 11 May 2013 11:33 PM |
| No, I mean I hate the actual idea of half acid half human mutants. The plot is really good, but i'd replace the mutants. If you're only worried about the name, perhaps find synonyms for mutant or halfling that are rarely used and use those to reffer to them. |
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| 11 May 2013 11:35 PM |
| Yes, there is. I forgot the name but it aired on discovery kids and it had a brother and sister with the same names yours do about where they summon an ancient power of ancient Egypt and must go back in time to the jurrasic era to have dinosaurs befriend and help the kids to defeat the powerful Egyptian God Anubis. |
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Section16
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| Joined: 03 May 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1459 |
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