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| 30 Apr 2013 05:38 PM |
I was bored... No copying. : /.
I closed my eyes. I was blinded by the world, shrouded in desolation. There as I stood, I began to wonder, to ponder, ask, seek. I began to hope.
Light clouded my vision as I rose, finding myself laying under a bridge. What circumstances had brought me here? Last night flooded my memories in an array of flickering tidbits. I remembered nothing clearly. The scene was admirable, though not to my taste. Above the sewer filled bridge, there stood a mighty city of glass and steel. The sunrise instilled an orange tint to the reflections, much like a flood of orange. There were no cars, no people, just automated, unmanned vehicles, traveling to a fixed destination; empty, lifeless, drones. Perhaps there were people inside the buildings. My stomach churned, I set out to find food, stumbling at every step. As I limped, I avoided the drones. They had light sensors that resembled eyes. Though lifeless, these sensors would bring chills to my spine when they met my eyes. There was something inside.
After long hours of scavenging and foraging, I managed to find a half eaten, fresh ham sandwich. I gobbled up the commodity as ravenously as humanly possible, seeking more with every bite. I did no have the best of childhoods, and eating the sandwich in desperation led fame to realize that this was the result of my choices. But was it really me? I recalled the old times. Back when there was grass, when people talked face to face, where there was clean water and air. My family was seeking a new life, yet they, the world, found only destruction, shattered promises, thruster into play by the twisted visions of e higher ups. As my family settled, the big shot companies wanted profit, and for that they needed to gain the trust of the population. They worked together to create an optimal, artificial environment. Free of pollution and abundant in resources. This is where they made a mistake. They spread chemicals not the air to react with pollutants in an attempt to deplete air pollution, but ended up making it worse. After a series of follies, they have made it undesirable to be outside. Clouds flooded the skies, plants died out. Man is on the verge of extinction. The only thin keeping them in balance is the chemicals being inserted into their bodies as they stay inside, waiting for a better time.
I turned to walk again, not knowing what I wanted or needed, and was abruptly pushed away by a drone. I looked up. This one was different. It was hard to recall, the red sensors, dangerous and harmful metal surrounding it, and a burning trail of fire. A hunter.
Continue? Rate and comment plz ^^ |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:41 PM |
| Sorry, I made a lot of typographical and spelling errors. |
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NilPirate
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| Joined: 31 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 3077 |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:42 PM |
| Nice job. I want to read more of this kind of stuff. In a couple of places, you tripped up on figurative language, but that's okay. Keep writing! |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:44 PM |
| Thx, it's not often I receive a detailed response. I'll definitely work on figurative language. |
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NilPirate
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| Joined: 31 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 3077 |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:48 PM |
It's mostly stuff like this, to clarify:
The sunrise instilled an orange tint to the reflections, much like a flood of orange.
You did well to put in a line like that there, but the repetition of orange and the inclusion of "much" messes it up a bit. Other than stuff like that, well made. |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:51 PM |
Will
Like a blazing cloak
Work? |
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NilPirate
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| Joined: 31 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 3077 |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:52 PM |
| Sure. Just make sure to mix up your vocabulary, repeated words tend to lessen effect if they're too close together. |
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| 30 Apr 2013 05:54 PM |
| I feel like i've used flood a lot o_e |
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| 30 Apr 2013 06:06 PM |
| I don't think this is worthy to continue. Ah man. :/ |
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| 30 Apr 2013 06:15 PM |
| Man this forumn is really inactive... |
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| 04 May 2013 09:05 PM |
| Nice job! It's not often someone makes a story as good as this. |
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| 08 May 2013 08:57 PM |
| Part 2 COMING SOON. I will continue when I get 3 people to say continue. |
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| 15 May 2013 02:29 PM |
Part 2:
Prologue
With each dying breath he released, I began to cry more. He turned towards me, meaning to give me his last words. His eyes were trembling as they met mine, he was broken and shattered. A long pause, he drew a last breath to give me his undying wish. With meekness in his wake, he sputtered out his last few words. "Whatever... Happens.......... Never, ever, ever.... ever......... Give in to your surroundings." His eyes went from a profound glare to a blank stare. My future was bleak. But I remembered his words, and ever since, I have never given in. This is my father's wish.
chapter 2
It approached me with blinding speed. I stumbled as it moved closer, closer, closer. Without hesitating I picked myself up and began running, trying hard not to look back. I felt the heat upon me like a speeding fire, consuming everything in its path. I ran on. Dead end.
As I stopped, so did the hunter. I had finally, after stopping to rest, been aware of my surroundings. The corner was dark, an alley of sorts. There were two steel depositories. Aside from the stench, there was nothing horrid about it. The sight wasn't pleasant, but it was bearable. I focused on the monstrosity before me. I heard each crackle of the gravel on the ground as it drew near me, each ear piercing whir that it produced. I gazed into its eyes, It was like gazing into an abyss. Finally, we stood inches apart. At this point I had lost all fear, all weakness was gone. With a brazen heart, I gestured to fight the monster, how foolish of me. Then, black. A sliver of light followed by a blinding blur. Clank, Clank, Clank. Boom
Again I had blacked out, I realized. bleakness flooded back into my mind as I arose. I opened my eyes, all I could see was fire and pieces of metal around me. Was it me? Did I destroy the hunter? Glaring at my hands, I saw they were black with ash and soot, they had a burning sensation. Struggling to regain my consciousness, my heart felt heavy. There were sounds, voices, in my head. Shrieking, and the sound of metal being clanked together. I stared out on the silvery sky, still shrouded with clouds, the remnants of our hope. Involuntarily I walked out of the scene. More shrieking. More metal. my steps became like thundering footsteps. A final shriek. At that point I had come to a grim realization. There were more.
I stand there, hopeless, and soon surrounded by hunters. How I wished I had blacked out. There was something attached to my shoe, a small blade, my salvation. Pathetically I whisked the blade to my hands, ready to face my fate, or what could be my reckoning. The whole scene was contextual, I had no clue of whether it was real, or imagined. The hunters began to walk towards me, my veins extruded, I felt something. What was it? Power
In a fleeting narcosis, I dashed over to one of the hunters. The others seemed to be lost in a haze. The next thing I knew, blood was spilled. It was not my own.
To be continued....
Rate, suggest, and feedback :)
3 continues for part 3. |
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| 21 May 2013 04:49 PM |
| bizzump. I WANT PART THREE!!!1!1!!!!11 |
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| 10 Jun 2013 07:56 PM |
| I'm thinking of ending the series right here. I personally dislike it. Sorry guys. I doubt I'd change my mind. |
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