darko29
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:44 PM |
>They noticed me
that makes the story seem rushed |
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Privew
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| Joined: 24 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1643 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:45 PM |
8/10
It was a little to rushed at the ending, yet great suspense! |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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AliceMski
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| Joined: 26 Mar 2013 |
| Total Posts: 218 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:46 PM |
Now I'm gonna write something.
You'll have to amputate. |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:48 PM |
3/10
but you came up with it on the spot so that's okay |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:49 PM |
3/10
i could do better in my sleep
"I'm batman" -Dean Winchester |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 02:51 PM |
i'm gonna try
A grandfather walks into a room where his two grandchildren lay bored. He drew their attention to a plastic elephant, mounted on the mantle on the other side of the room. According to him, it was the finest ivory he had ever laid eyes upon. |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 03:02 PM |
"Please expand on that."
ENGLISH POWERS ACTIVATE
"As I looked far into the distance of the haunting, dark night, I saw a large bonfire. There were three figures circling and dancing around the flames."
i don't think "distance of the haunting, dark night" is grammatically correct, but that may be wrong. It doesn't sit right with me anyway. "circling and dancing around the flames" seems redundant.
"As I approached the brooding picture of the figures dancing, I saw that these figures were old, hunched women. Their pale, wrinkly faces gave off a devilish smile"
brooding picture makes it seem like a static image, which i think contradicts what you're going for here; mania, right?
"The bonfire, lit up with the bodies of dead folk, grew ever more violent as the fires spewed up into the clouds up high."
are they burning dead folk, yeah? okay
"The full moon shined through the black smoke from the fires. One of the witches walked towards a dead body; one of the many, and ripped it's heart out. They all cheered and laughed with their black robes waving in the strong winds of the cold winter."
shone might have been better here, it sounds more mature "they all" dismisses the other two witches, if there are only three you could have detailed them
also if they're standing next to a roaring funeral pyre surely they won't feel the "cold winter"
just my opinion though |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 03:12 PM |
"Now this is what I'm looking for, however, it was flawed. I won't get into any argument, as I agree with some of those points, but some of them were kind of... Well... Stupid. I really appreciate the speech about my writing. It helps alot, however judging from some of your points, I still don't know wether your a troll..."
eh, just offering my opinion i didn't like it i'm not trolling and i'm trying to offer constructive criticism take it or leave it what points do you think are stupid? |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 03:17 PM |
"The one about the dead bodies made me facepalm, though. It's like you crammed it in there just for the sake of filling up the picture. However, that didn't really work for you. ( Not trying to sound rude even though I think I will come across as rude )"
no fair enough it just took me a bit to get my head around that bit lol |
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ditto9267
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| Joined: 04 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2847 |
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| 17 Apr 2013 03:18 PM |
| Ooh... Lemme try a storeh! |
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darko29
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| Joined: 02 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7402 |
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