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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:42 PM
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BigBootySlammer is not online. BigBootySlammer
Joined: 09 Apr 2013
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17 Apr 2013 02:43 PM
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darko29 is not online. darko29
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17 Apr 2013 02:43 PM
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calculator73 is not online. calculator73
Joined: 20 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 24725
17 Apr 2013 02:44 PM
>They noticed me

that makes the story seem rushed
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BigBootySlammer is not online. BigBootySlammer
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17 Apr 2013 02:44 PM
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Privew is not online. Privew
Joined: 24 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 1643
17 Apr 2013 02:45 PM
8/10

It was a little to rushed at the ending, yet great suspense!
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:46 PM
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AliceMski is not online. AliceMski
Joined: 26 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 218
17 Apr 2013 02:46 PM
Now I'm gonna write something.

You'll have to amputate.
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:48 PM
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Dalziellian is not online. Dalziellian
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 4214
17 Apr 2013 02:48 PM
3/10

but you came up with it on the spot so that's okay
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:49 PM
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RedBullDawg is not online. RedBullDawg
Joined: 12 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1609
17 Apr 2013 02:49 PM
3/10

i could do better in my sleep


"I'm batman" -Dean Winchester
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:51 PM
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Dalziellian is not online. Dalziellian
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 4214
17 Apr 2013 02:51 PM
i'm gonna try

A grandfather walks into a room where his two grandchildren lay bored. He drew their attention to a plastic elephant, mounted on the mantle on the other side of the room. According to him, it was the finest ivory he had ever laid eyes upon.
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:54 PM
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 02:58 PM
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 03:01 PM
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Dalziellian is not online. Dalziellian
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
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17 Apr 2013 03:02 PM
"Please expand on that."

ENGLISH POWERS ACTIVATE

"As I looked far into the distance of the haunting, dark night, I saw a large bonfire. There were three figures circling and dancing around the flames."

i don't think "distance of the haunting, dark night" is grammatically correct, but that may be wrong. It doesn't sit right with me anyway. "circling and dancing around the flames" seems redundant.

"As I approached the brooding picture of the figures dancing, I saw that these figures were old, hunched women. Their pale, wrinkly faces gave off a devilish smile"

brooding picture makes it seem like a static image, which i think contradicts what you're going for here; mania, right?

"The bonfire, lit up with the bodies of dead folk, grew ever more violent as the fires spewed up into the clouds up high."

are they burning dead folk, yeah? okay

"The full moon shined through the black smoke from the fires. One of the witches walked towards a dead body; one of the many, and ripped it's heart out. They all cheered and laughed with their black robes waving in the strong winds of the cold winter."

shone might have been better here, it sounds more mature
"they all" dismisses the other two witches, if there are only three you could have detailed them

also
if they're standing next to a roaring funeral pyre surely they won't feel the "cold winter"

just my opinion though
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 03:10 PM
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 03:10 PM
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Dalziellian is not online. Dalziellian
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
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17 Apr 2013 03:12 PM
"Now this is what I'm looking for, however, it was flawed. I won't get into any argument, as I agree with some of those points, but some of them were kind of... Well... Stupid. I really appreciate the speech about my writing. It helps alot, however judging from some of your points, I still don't know wether your a troll..."

eh, just offering my opinion
i didn't like it
i'm not trolling and i'm trying to offer constructive criticism
take it or leave it
what points do you think are stupid?
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 03:15 PM
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Dalziellian is not online. Dalziellian
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 4214
17 Apr 2013 03:17 PM
"The one about the dead bodies made me facepalm, though. It's like you crammed it in there just for the sake of filling up the picture. However, that didn't really work for you. ( Not trying to sound rude even though I think I will come across as rude )"

no fair enough it just took me a bit to get my head around that bit lol
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ditto9267 is not online. ditto9267
Joined: 04 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 2847
17 Apr 2013 03:18 PM
Ooh... Lemme try a storeh!
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darko29 is not online. darko29
Joined: 02 Feb 2009
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17 Apr 2013 03:20 PM
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