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Re: ~Chapter 1, The Awakening

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Wooginator is not online. Wooginator
Joined: 04 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 50
11 Apr 2013 09:55 PM
First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for reading this. If you buy this it lets me know that people actually are interested in seeing more of my content and it keeps me inspired for more writing! Thank's for leaving a tip and an idea! Tips; http://www.roblox.com/Tip-Jar-4-Stories-item?id=112553216 Without further ado, here is chapter 1.


~CHAPTER 1, THE AWAKENING~

You wake up, in a dense and grassy forest. With a lot of foliage and wildlife. You have found a bottle half buried in the sand. The contents of it, it seems to be familiar to you. You suddenly get shocked and have a flashback! You now remember the bandits. Bandits raiding your hometown of Romero. Looting all the houses, stealing everything. Romero was down to dust. "But how did I end up here?" You ask yourself. "That red liquid.." You whisper to yourself.. You seem to have remembered where it came from. It is from the potion brewer of Romero. As the bandits came, he said to you, "Alex, take this potion! When you are weak, take a sip and you shall be fully healed!" You have a suit of chain mail, a leather pouch, and a partially blunt wooden sword. What to do, you think to yourself? You are feeling kind of weak as you have just awoken. You take a sip. "Ahh.." You sigh of relieve.. Suddenly! You spot 3 bandits racing towards you from all directions!
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Wooginator is not online. Wooginator
Joined: 04 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 50
11 Apr 2013 09:58 PM
LEAVE IDEAS FOR NEXT CHAPTERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW
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FlawlessDrMario is not online. FlawlessDrMario
Joined: 29 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 1495
11 Apr 2013 10:00 PM
Charge at the one coming behind me, and hopefully parry any attacks.
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HiddenCrystals is not online. HiddenCrystals
Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 347
11 Apr 2013 10:07 PM
[[Romero, is that from MineZ?]]
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Wooginator is not online. Wooginator
Joined: 04 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 50
11 Apr 2013 10:11 PM
uuuhhhh I ran out of ideas. :P
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ZeroSpectrum is not online. ZeroSpectrum
Joined: 02 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 315
11 Apr 2013 10:17 PM
Not scifi enough!
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DeathForce2 is not online. DeathForce2
Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 268
11 Apr 2013 10:18 PM
Climb a tree and throw pinecones at them.
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ifavila is not online. ifavila
Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 3334
11 Apr 2013 10:21 PM
Die.
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NarutoFox12 is not online. NarutoFox12
Joined: 22 May 2008
Total Posts: 6696
11 Apr 2013 10:21 PM
People here do not tip nor do we pay for those who write. You shall write your best and in return we give you our friendship.

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bobpokeninja is not online. bobpokeninja
Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 149
11 Apr 2013 10:33 PM
Well...
This story is a bit, How should I say? Interesting, I guess...
For one, you use improper sentences.
"You wake up, in a dense and grassy forest. With a lot of foliage and wildlife."
Make that into two sentences with a comma, or it sounds like you're randomly throwing out an idea.
Second, there are not enough details.
"You now remember the bandits. Bandits raiding your hometown of Romero."
What do the bandits look like? What does the town look like? What does the area around the town look like?
Third, there are errors. Even if it is just a friendly story, still spell check it!
"You sigh of relieve.."
Should be: You give off a sigh of relief.
Fourth, you narrate the story as if the reader is the character, but then you say the person is Alex. I'd change it because it just doesn't match.
Fifth, there is a place to post stories like this! http://www.FictionPress.com
And finally, don't advertise on comments. It's just noobish.
Overall, I recommend doing the whole story over again. Not to be mean, but you made too many poor choices in writing this.
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DeathForce2 is not online. DeathForce2
Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 268
19 Apr 2013 10:22 PM
Everyone hates you. STFU and GTFO.
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