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Re: Warriors Cats: BrambleClan and HawkClan

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robloxman400 is not online. robloxman400
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1976
07 Apr 2013 01:12 AM
Yeah, yeah its a Warriors thread, get over it.

Warriors: BrambleClan and HawkClan

Recently many clan leaders and deputies have been killed. Firestar, the noble ThunderClan leader, was the first to die. he had somehow got his head stuck in a fox trap by the lake, all six of his remaining lives where gone before help could reach him. Brambleclaw became leader of ThunderClan.

Then one morning WindClan woke to find that both Onestar and his deputy Ashfoot, had been killed. Fearing for the rest of their lives, WindClan merged with ThunderClan, under the leadership of Brambleclaw, now Bramblestar, they became BrambleClan.

Half a Moon later, Mistyfoot, The RiverClan deputy, went missing, her body has never been found. Hawkfrost became deputy, One night a moon later, Hawkfrost burst into RiverClan camp, bleeding heavily, he told the clan of how he and Leopardstar had been attacked while discussing the future of the clan, no-one ever noticed the golden fur in between his claws.

In ShadowClan there was panic, 3 leaders have been killed, and the killer hasnt been discovered. Blackstar told his clan to join merge with RiverClan, they would be safer in numbers. He told them that he was proud to have been their leader, and he would gladly give up his remaining lives to make sure they survive. Russetfur, his deputy and mate, refused to let him die alone and stayed with him in the empty ShadowClan camp. Two sunrises later, they where found in the former leader's den, laying together in Blackstar's nest together, both of their eyes closed, a expression of calmness on their faces, and two identical slashes through their necks.

RiverClan and ShadowClan became HawkClan under Hawkfrost, now Hawkstar.

The clans believed since Bramblestar and Hawkstar were brothers their would finally be true piece between the clans, they couldn't have been wronger. Now each cat lives a lonely life, one filled with blood, hatred, and violence.

Now you have the choice, do you reject this life..... or do you embrace it?

Rules

Normal Roblox Rules

No killing or controling other people characters without their permission

No spamming

Please use your best grammer

NO POWERS UNLESS I PERMIT IT. THE ONLY POWERS CURRENTLY ARE THE THREE'S POWERS

Put 'Evil is Awesome' in 'Other' is you have read this far

CS

Name:
Moons old:(One moon = One month)
Appearence:
Personality:
Clan:(Ex: BrambleClan, ThunderClan parents.)
Rank:(Kit, Apprentice, Warrior, No leader, deputy, or Medicine cat unless one dies)
Mate/Crush: (Specify which)
Parents:
Other:

My CS(I control leaders, deputies, medicine cats until one dies and people take their place)

Name:Firepaw
Moons old:6
Appearence: Bright red fur, that glows like fire in Sunlight. Green eyes
Personality: Although named after Firestar, he is nothing like him. He is arrogant and pround of his accomplishments. He loves to be praised. The only cats he is nice to are his 'littermates', Jaypaw, Hollypaw, and Lionpaw
Clan:BrambleClan, ThunderClan parents.
Rank:apprentice
Mate/Crush: None as of yet
Parents: Bramblestar and Squirrelflight
Other:
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robloxman400 is not online. robloxman400
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1976
07 Apr 2013 01:17 AM
Oh wait forgot this:

Leaders

BrambleClan: Bramblestar

HawkClan: Hawkstar

Deputies:

BrambleClan: Ashfur

HawkClan: Rowanclan

Medicine Cats:

BrambleClan:Leafpool, Jaypaw

HawkClan:Mothwing, (Medicine cat apprentice opening avaliable)
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 06:50 AM
Joining, definitely
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 07:05 AM
Can I be the medicine cat apprentice?


Name: Frostpaw
Moons old:however old you have to be to become an apprentice, I forget because I haven't read the books in a while
Appearence: a crystalish blue pelt, with frosty blue eyes, her fur seems to have tiny crystals on them. She has icey blue claws, and her long tail changes from her fur color into a frosty white, and seems to have frost on her tail.
Personality:quiet, calm, very kind, helpful, can become aggressive, sensitive to she fact her parents are in HawkClan.
Clan:BrambleClan
Rank:apprentice, possible medicine cat apprentice
Mate/Crush: N/A
Parents:Starpelt and Snowtail of HawkClan
Other: Evil is awesome and I'm bored and you should add gender
Gender:female

That took a little bit to fill out
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 07:06 AM
Oh!
Clan: BrambleClan, RiverClan parents
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 07:07 AM
AAAAAND one more thing
Crush: Firepaw
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shotty331 is not online. shotty331
Joined: 14 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 30
07 Apr 2013 08:08 AM
8 moons to be exact
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 08:12 AM
Thank you shotty
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robloxman400 is not online. robloxman400
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1976
07 Apr 2013 02:27 PM
(Actually, you have to be 6 moons according to warrior code to become a apprentice, and i knew i forgot something! gender! I guess thats what i get for writting that at 1 AM in the morning.)

(And accepted, I guess since the clans are now 2x bigger than original, there can be three medicine cats.)

(Also just incase you havent realized it yet(Not calling you dumb!), The cats that killed the leaders/deputies, where Bramblestar and Hawkstar, basicly a alternate ending to 'Sunset' in 'The New Prophecy')
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 02:31 PM
(Ogawd I'm so dumb and when can we rp? I'll make another cat if we need another)
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 02:33 PM
lame

consider this a free bump
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robloxman400 is not online. robloxman400
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1976
07 Apr 2013 02:41 PM
(We can start when another person joins.)

(I new one of the warriors cats haters would show up eventually. and got nothing bad to say about the storyline? thats what you people do, right? Or is it that you can't find anything wrong with it, and you just needed something to say?)
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 03:02 PM
You asked for it.


"Recently many clan leaders and deputies have been killed. Firestar, the noble ThunderClan leader, was the first to die. he had somehow got his head stuck in a fox trap by the lake, all six of his remaining lives where gone before help could reach him. Brambleclaw became leader of ThunderClan.
Then one morning WindClan woke to find that both Onestar and his deputy Ashfoot, had been killed. Fearing for the rest of their lives, WindClan merged with ThunderClan, under the leadership of Brambleclaw, now Bramblestar, they became BrambleClan.
Half a Moon later, Mistyfoot, The RiverClan deputy, went missing, her body has never been found. Hawkfrost became deputy, One night a moon later, Hawkfrost burst into RiverClan camp, bleeding heavily, he told the clan of how he and Leopardstar had been attacked while discussing the future of the clan, no-one ever noticed the golden fur in between his claws.
In ShadowClan there was panic, 3 leaders have been killed, and the killer hasnt been discovered. Blackstar told his clan to join merge with RiverClan, they would be safer in numbers. He told them that he was proud to have been their leader, and he would gladly give up his remaining lives to make sure they survive. Russetfur, his deputy and mate, refused to let him die alone and stayed with him in the empty ShadowClan camp. Two sunrises later, they where found in the former leader's den, laying together in Blackstar's nest together, both of their eyes closed, a expression of calmness on their faces, and two identical slashes through their necks."

First sentence: "Recently many clan leaders and deputies have been killed." - Missing a comma after 'recently'.

"he had somehow got his head stuck in a fox trap by the lake, all six of his remaining lives where gone before help could reach him. Brambleclaw became leader of ThunderClan." - Forgot to capitalize the 'h' in 'He'. The sentence structures are awkward. First you talk about Firestar dying, then you immediately go to "Brambleclaw became leader..." You need to add a transition between those two sentences.

"Then one morning WindClan woke to find that both Onestar and his deputy Ashfoot, had been killed. Fearing for the rest of their lives, WindClan merged with ThunderClan, under the leadership of Brambleclaw, now Bramblestar, they became BrambleClan." - "Then one morning"? That's something a child would say: "And then, and then, and then..." And oh boy, he wakes up to find that people are dead. How original. "Fearing for the rest of their lives" Again, an awkward sentence. It should be "Fearing for their lives,".

"...WindClan merged with ThunderClan, under the leadership of Brambleclaw, now Bramblestar, they became BrambleClan." - The part ', now Bramblestar,' needs to be in parentheses, rather than commas. Also, why was he named Bramblestar all of a sudden? You need to explain that.

"Half a Moon later, Mistyfoot, The RiverClan deputy, went missing, her body has never been found. Hawkfrost became deputy, One night a moon later, Hawkfrost burst into RiverClan camp, bleeding heavily, he told the clan of how he and Leopardstar had been attacked while discussing the future of the clan, no-one ever noticed the golden fur in between his claws." - You're missing a load of commas and there are a lot of capitalization errors. Also, the second sentence is a run-on sentence.

"Hawkfrost became deputy, One night a moon later, Hawkfrost burst into RiverClan camp, bleeding heavily, he told the clan of how he and Leopardstar had been attacked while discussing the future of the clan, no-one ever noticed the golden fur in between his claws." - This is the run-on sentence stated above. It should be "Hawkfrost became deputy, one night (a moon) later. He burst into RiverClan camp, bleeding heavily. He then told the clan of how he and Leopardstar had been attacked while discussing the future of the clan. No one ever noticed the golden fure in between his claw." There's just too much information in there to be in one sentence. It jumps to three or four different topics, and a sentence should only be about one or two topics.

"In ShadowClan there was panic, 3 leaders have been killed, and the killer hasnt been discovered. Blackstar told his clan to join merge with RiverClan, they would be safer in numbers. He told them that he was proud to have been their leader, and he would gladly give up his remaining lives to make sure they survive. Russetfur, his deputy and mate, refused to let him die alone and stayed with him in the empty ShadowClan camp. Two sunrises later, they where found in the former leader's den, laying together in Blackstar's nest together, both of their eyes closed, a expression of calmness on their faces, and two identical slashes through their necks."" - Missing an apostrophe in 'hasn't'. Again, there are so many awkward, run-on sentences in this chunk.

Here's an example: "Blackstar told his clan to join merge with RiverClan, they would be safer in numbers." 'They would be safer in numbers' is your own comment, therefore it should be a new sentence. If Blackstar said it, it should also be in a new sentence.


You moron. I didn't want to have to go through the trouble of showing you your mistakes unless you asked. Instead you asked harshly, and now you get a harsh response.
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TaiWolf1234 is not online. TaiWolf1234
Joined: 16 May 2010
Total Posts: 23207
07 Apr 2013 03:05 PM
(Purely, he doesn't require your critique. You aren't the chief roleplayer, would you please quit like such?)
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TaiWolf1234 is not online. TaiWolf1234
Joined: 16 May 2010
Total Posts: 23207
07 Apr 2013 03:08 PM
(Actually, you weren't even critiquing in your first post. You simply implied that his roleplay was "lame". Gee, Purely, you're losing my trust and respect in a matter of minutes.)
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 03:08 PM
Instead, he could've ignored me. I have yet to see a single person who ignores trolls besides you, and myself.
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TaiWolf1234 is not online. TaiWolf1234
Joined: 16 May 2010
Total Posts: 23207
07 Apr 2013 03:13 PM
You didn't have to make that freaking comment in the first place, Purely. Grow up and learn to hold your tongue when you know it's not a good idea to express your bitter opinion.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 03:15 PM
I admit, my first comment was of bad intention.

However, the second post (excluding a couple lines), I'm sure, helped him. He's probably reading it right now, and he might even repost this with the mistakes fixed.
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 03:15 PM
TAI! I haven't seen you in a little.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 03:16 PM
Tai's been here for a long while. He was here during the few months I took a break. He was here months before that. I don't understand how you could have missed him.
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TaiWolf1234 is not online. TaiWolf1234
Joined: 16 May 2010
Total Posts: 23207
07 Apr 2013 03:17 PM
Hi, Chi.
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
07 Apr 2013 03:26 PM
I've not been on either. That, and the fact that most of the rps I'm on have pretty much died. So yeah...
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robloxman400 is not online. robloxman400
Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1976
07 Apr 2013 03:27 PM
(Okay Purely, ill respond to your message up there. Before i Answer anything, let me tell you I live in the Central time zone, so it may say 11:19 PM or whatever up there, but it was really 1:19 AM for me. So I can easily say I was tired, and most likely missed alot of things. So im skipping any grammer errors you pointed out.

Lets see, If you actually learned anything about warriors before saying anything bad about it, you would know that when a cat becomes leader and receives their nine lives from StarClan(The ancestiors/Dead cats), 'Star' takes over as the last part of their name.

Also this is my first Rp I've made, so im obvously nervous about whether people would like it or not, Im sure everyone is too when they make theirs, so I will most likely overload sentence's with information trying to finish. Add to it I was tired, and I got a perfectly resonable excuse for most errors in it.
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PurelyRandom is not online. PurelyRandom
Joined: 05 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 36763
07 Apr 2013 03:31 PM
@Roblox; Then you should have stated that so we wouldn't have had this argument.

And as far as not knowing about WarriorCats, why should I take the time to learn something I'm not interested in? E.g; Why would I take a course that I don't like?

And a tip: If you're nervous, don't be. It's not like people can come and find you if they hate your RP.

If you want to fix up your plot to make it interesting to people who don't exactly like WarriorCats, read these:
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=85130389
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=93934026
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pigIScool is not online. pigIScool
Joined: 04 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 5304
07 Apr 2013 03:38 PM
Name: FrostPaw
Moons old:7 moons
Appearence:fat and short, wiggles its hind legs to slide around the ground, very ugly
Personality:likes to hunt with trainer
Clan:BrambleClan
Rank:Apprentice
Mate/Crush: none
Parents: dead
Other:none
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