Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 11:38 AM |
Dear Diary, (01/09/1939) I'm scared sick. I can't describe how I feel, properly. I heard a deafening boom someway down the street. I looked out to see a whole house in flames, quickly spreading down our road. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was staring out in shock until a shard of glass broke away from my window and went spinning past my cheek. I could feel it slicing through the air as it ricocheted past me. I knew I wouldn't last for long. I knew something was causing this commotion. I glanced out my wrecked window, but it didn't matter that I got spiked by a sharp point. Planes were circling the sky, dropping bombs as they went. Oh, god. Them blasted Germans were taking over AGAIN. But I couldn't exactly confront them, as they were about to wreck our whole country. I was stuck stiff until I heard a piercing scream from underneath my room. It scared the life out of me, but I ran downstairs to find what had caused this sudden outburst. I heard my Mum screeching somewhere in the distance, but I couldn't see her. I looked towards the door, and I saw that the glass had broken and fire was bursting inside our house. It was starting to engulf up the kitchen. The squealing got louder. The flames were getting bigger. Before I knew it, the whole house would be in ash. Then I suddenly realised the bawling was coming from the flames. And the bawling was my Mother. I shot into the flames, ignoring the heat that was melting my face. I had to save my Mother, even if I died in the process. I saw my Mum's jet black hair billowing in the center of the red hot inferno. I grabbed her by the hand, and felt my way out the sea of fire. It had got larger. It was now heading up the stairs. I half dragged, half carried my Mum upstairs. She was unconscious. Somehow, I wasn't surprised at this. At last, I found my bedroom. The door had been burnt down to ashes. My window had got completely. I had a mad though looking through that window, but I figured it was the only way of escaping. Gee, don't call me dumb! I put both my arms round my Mum's waist, and together we surged out the gap in the wall, and straight into open air.
The first thing I felt when we hit the ground was sadness. I tried to open my Mother's eyes. They wouldn't open. I put my ear to her mouth. She wasn't breathing. I'd given up hope, but I checked her heart. It wasn't beating. The fire had been much too warm for her too survive, but as we had raced up the stairs, I heard a gentle breath. I think the land knocked her out, forever. I had killed my Mum. Tears streamed down my face. I don't know what to think. I'll write to you tomorrow, soon enough my page will be soaked.
Yours Sincerely, Casey.
Please give me feedback, it took me a while to write this! Thanks! |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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danial828
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| Joined: 25 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 5335 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 11:45 AM |
| It was rather good, just I prefer shorter paragraphs. |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 11:46 AM |
I'm sorry about that, I'm rather creative with what I write, and if I can't fit everything then I get frustrated! Thanks for the feedback anyway! ツ |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:14 PM |
I loved it.
~The Devil Forgot His Pants~ |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:17 PM |
| Awesome story! Are you gonna make another chapter? I dunno Why the ones I do never work out... Anyways, hope your's will. |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:17 PM |
| Oh, I forgot to add that this is in the view of a nine year old. |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:18 PM |
@Feedback Thank you all! It was nothing, really. ツ |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:22 PM |
@Non I'll try my hardest! I'll do one every day! ツ |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:34 PM |
| Hey, could you check out my RP, it's called Blue Lights. I usually don't ask for this or anything, but I kind of wished that one survived. |
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Emily6LA
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| Joined: 10 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 64 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:37 PM |
Cool! :P Bit long though xD
I think the way that you wrote it out is the best, including the interesting words!
~Em
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 12:39 PM |
Hello Emily6LA, thanks for the feedback! I appreciate what you said and it encourages me to make more! ツ |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 01:32 PM |
@Non Yes, I like the idea! ツ |
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snakehunt
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| Joined: 22 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 34463 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 01:55 PM |
FINALLY, A DIARY THAT ISN'T ABOUT A WAR GROUP!
It's very good, very wonderful. (Or should I say vunderfull?) |
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| 20 Mar 2013 02:25 PM |
| Could you give a feedback on it? I'm considering making a remake, not fully happy on it. |
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gwebster2
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| Joined: 29 Aug 2010 |
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| 20 Mar 2013 06:35 PM |
The writng style is very good, you seem to be good at this.
One thing I don't like though is how it's a journal. He talks much too grammatical and fluent for a man going through bombings and just lost his mother. It might have been better if it wasn't a journal entry but an actual story. |
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| 20 Mar 2013 06:42 PM |
Yours Sincerely, Casey. -------------------------- What English - speaking country was bombed in 1939?, for I remember London being bombed until mid - 1940. |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 21 Mar 2013 02:04 AM |
@Pluto WW2 started on September 1, 1939. It ended on September 2, 1945. Hopefully this website will help. http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_did_World_War_II_start
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| 21 Mar 2013 05:49 AM |
| I kind of agree if gw, now I think about. Still, you should keep going. |
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Vamma
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| Joined: 15 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 755 |
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| 24 Mar 2013 07:01 AM |
Great! Very well written, people like you deserve to be a famous author...
~Quick! Shoot me in the face!~ |
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