darknano
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 1231 |
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| 04 Feb 2013 07:25 PM |
72 Hours. CHAPTER 1: Operation Mango "Alright then, I've gone over the Teams and orginization of our team, lets begin." Michael claims. "Navar, grab the backpack, and lets go." He says to Navar. Navar turns around to the backpack in the corner of the room. He stuffs a First Aid Kit into the bag, then swifts his arm into the the backpack. "Alright, Bravo, lets move." Michael commands. Him and 4 others walk out the door. "Channel 1 Online." A voice travels through a device in Navar's pocket. Navar grasps his B-B Rifle and swings it over in his pack. "Alright" Navar says, "Alpha, lets go. We're Op Kie."
Navar begins to load cardboard cylinders in his pack, filled with black powder and various chemicals. 3 RC- Airplanes packed away, as well as food, a Sleeping-bag, and other various supplies.
The sun shines right onto them, the 5 young boys, who've been training for a month and a half for this huge event, the day they become men in battle.
"Guns out, we're near enemy ground according to intel." Navar commands to his squad. David pulls out his Auto-B-B rifle. "What's thier armory?" He questions. "Possible Frag Grenades, Flashes, and Long range rifles." Navar answers. "Shouldn't we fly a plane over?" Another member suggests. "No," Navar says, "We only have 3 of these babies, I'm afraid we're flying blind." "What's the ground situation?" "It's an urban outpost, set in Daniels house, our objective is to run them out, eliminate them if we have to."
Suddenly, talking in the distance. "Crap, get low"Navar demands. He begins to tilt himself forward, his rifle in hand. Two human figures appear far. "Don't engage." Navar pulls his weapon toward the figures. Suddenly, more appear through the wall left of his squad. Navar counts... 2...3....6... "Dammit!" He whispers. "7 targets." Fred, who's the youngest of them all informs. Navar pulls out his communication device from a pocket. "Michael, we're outnumbered, there's about 7 targets.... There's a third of a team here." He says. "Forgot to say.." Michael transmits. "Team Matrux, they have more men. 25 on our side, 37 on their." Another voice in the background faintly heard. "Alright...So yeah, Navar, we're scouting around the back of the small field in a barn. We have a whole squad out here. They've occupied the area-CRAP!" "What?" Navar questions. "WE'RE SPOTTED! Bravo go! Get off the field! Hurry the hell up!" The transmit ends. "Alright, we're moving south." Navar declares. He puts his knee upright, rising from the grass. "What about Bravo?" A member asks. Navar begins to move along the wall, ignoring the question.
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| 04 Feb 2013 09:28 PM |
Correct forum.
I like it. I would happily continue reading if you ever continued this. |
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darknano
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 1231 |
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| 05 Feb 2013 06:35 AM |
There's a lot more to it
I'm planning to release it by November. If I can, sooner. |
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| 05 Feb 2013 10:04 PM |
| I like it! I love the unique names like Navar, Bravo, and Alpha. May I just add some advice? I think the characters could use more individual development, but that's okay, because this is only a few paragraphs. I found the story catching, but could you be a bit more descriptive about their surroundings and characters? It helps readers visualize the story better. Besides that, I give your writing a 4/5. I would love to read the rest. :D |
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oddbod610
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| Joined: 29 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2480 |
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| 06 Feb 2013 01:11 PM |
Sounds like seventh grade english, wheres the good grammar matteee.. Lousy script, fix it please.
2/5 |
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darknano
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 1231 |
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| 06 Feb 2013 08:04 PM |
It's NOT A SCRIPT btw.
It's just a little skit.
And it's just a teaser, which means it's only to say a "demo" is to a videogame. Which means there will be "bugs" |
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MrTechn0
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| Joined: 23 Nov 2012 |
| Total Posts: 1252 |
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| 06 Feb 2013 08:23 PM |
| @oddbod, dont give him that much compliment, its like 5th grade work at the most, I'm not saying its bad. Its just that it has lot's of grammatical errors, for example: each time you use dialog, it begins a new line. Other than that, it was very creative! |
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darknano
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| Joined: 06 Jul 2008 |
| Total Posts: 1231 |
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| 07 Feb 2013 06:39 AM |
@MrTech
That's actually what your supposed to do if you have a continuing conversation over only 2 people. But like I said, I posted this before editing it, and it's still in the rough draft stage, so there will be errors and lack of detail. |
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| 07 Feb 2013 06:43 AM |
Yes, but you did it wrong.
It's not like this:
"Yeah" Guy 1 said "Cool" Guy 2 Said "Totally" Guy 1 said "Nice" Guy 2 said
It's like this:
"Yeah" "Cool" "Totally" "Nice" |
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oddbod610
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| Joined: 29 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2480 |
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