|
| 22 Nov 2011 09:14 PM |
Please ignore the spelling errors/grammar errors in the story, this is just a rough draft. I want to write a full length novel that takes place in the future...I need honest opinions and suggestions. Thanks! :) (Please don't be too harsh...I just started) I'm sorry it's so long! I appreciate whoever takes the time to fully read it! Please give me feedback!
CHAPTER ONE:
The TV buzzed in the other room, comforting me. The smell of hot chocolate and sugar cookies filled the air, as I sat by the crackling fire in the living room. My brother, Bryant, was outside riding his sleigh down the steep snowy hill in our backyard, my younger brother James, laughing and waiting for his turn. It was just a typical day, nothing out of the ordinary. Or at least, I thought so. "Taylor, your hot chocolate is ready!", I heard my mother yell from the kitchen. A huge smile spread across my face as I sprinted to the kitchen. My mother's hot cocoa is the best. She adds just enough mint and marshmallows, making the taste irresistible and made to perfection. Once I reached the kitchen, Bryant beat me to it, about to sip my hot chocolate. I playfully punched his shoulder, giggling. "Bryant! Paws off! Besides, I thought you and James were riding sleighs?" I say as I swipe the mug from his hands, taking a seat at the table. Bryant sits down, taking off his gloves. "We were, until James started freaking out. He said something about the neighbors, and told me to wait for him inside. It was weird...I've never seen the little guy look so terrified. Probably saw a wild dog in the woods or something." He says with a shrug, sipping his own mug. I wonder what that was all about? I sit at the table, taking in the sweet taste of the minty cocoa. Just as I'm about to chug down my last sip, the sound of the backdoor crashing against the wall, stops me dead cold. Tears are streaming down his bright red cheeks as he whispers loudly in mother's ear. Puzzled, Bryant and I both sit, trying our best to read James' lips and understand what the heck seems to be the big deal. He's talking so fast, I can't seem to identify one word. I know it can't be good though, as I see mother's face go ghostly white. She runs to her bedroom, shaking my father awake. I run and look out the window, the sound of sirens blaring, booms in my ears. What's going on?! I see the two neighbor kids being handcuffed and loaded in a large white truck, sending chills down my spine. Those kids would never do anything wrong. Is that what scared James so bad? Two men dressed in official government snow suits, wheel two stretchers out and load them in the truck as well, the truck zooming away at the blink of an eye. Those were the kids' parents on those stretchers. My mind is racing, I can hardly breathe. I run to my mom, when she comes back in the living room, my father close behind. "Hide!" She warns in a low voice as she approaches the door, my father following behind her, holding a pistol in his right hand. James, Bryant and I dive under the kitchen table and bite our tongues, trying as hard as we can not to cry. A loud pound comes from the front door, following the sounds of screams and gun shot. 3 gunshots, exactly. Everything after was a horrific blur. Two bodies hit the floor. My parents are dead, and we're next. I bite my jacket sleeve as hard as I can, holding back the burning tears. We've been spotted. The two government men throw the table in the air, pulling us to our feet and handcuffing us. We are next thrown in a similar van as the neighbors. As I try to scream, my body starts to feel weak. One of the men has given me a shot to knock me out. The next thing I know, I'm out cold. **** I wake up in a foreign place, the walls and floors white as snow. I'm on an operation table, a tattoo has been drawn on my left wrist, with random numbers and my initials on it. My head is pounding and my vision blurry. Where am I?! Screens flicker on around me, my vision starting to focus. The image is the government symbol, but shortly switches to video of the president. President Victor Black looking sinister as ever, as he stares dead at the camera from his podium. "Hello boys and girls, I am your President, Victor Black. I would like to inform you of a small change we have decided to put forward on the country. The number of soldiers for the army is shrinking by the day, making our country appear weak. We have recently lost the darkest battle of our time, and we can not let this happen again. We have decided to create a new army. You guys, the adolescence of the nation. Each of you has been assigned an identification number and given a shot to boost your strength. Until you reach the age of 18, anyone over 10 years of age will be sent in to battle after at least a year of training. Any one under ten will train until they are ten and have been trained for at least a year. This new operation has been officially named "POWER", something our poor country is slowly but surely losing. I'd like to thank each and every one of you for participating in this new operation, and I wish the best of luck to you all." The screen flickered back to the government logo, and then to a black screen. I scream at the top of lungs, hoping someone familiar will run in and save me. I know it won't happen though. I am alone and have no idea where I am. Then, everything goes black once again. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 22 Nov 2011 09:20 PM |
| Good, but it is highly unrealistic as for nobody acted on Human Rights and the fact you really can´t send kids about 10 to fight. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 22 Nov 2011 09:22 PM |
| Well, it's only the beginning of the story. The president is more of a dictator and this takes place in the future. Plus, I know from the first chapter it seems unrealistic, but I'm gonna explain in the other chapters why it makes since. :) Thanks for telling me though. I'll take that in to consideration to make it more realistic. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 22 Nov 2011 09:22 PM |
| Well, it's only the beginning of the story. The president is more of a dictator and this takes place in the future. Plus, I know from the first chapter it seems unrealistic, but I'm gonna explain in the other chapters why it makes since. :) Thanks for telling me though. I'll take that in to consideration to make it more realistic. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Nov 2011 07:20 AM |
| Ain't bad, but you're starting off too fast. Let some suspicious eventsstart happening before Taylor is taken to some training camp. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Nov 2011 09:30 AM |
| Follow their advice, and you're OK. By the way, there's a website called Wattpad (one of my classmates introduced this) where you can write stories on. You should be able to make a final draft there. Put it in a futuristic category, maybe Science Fiction. And... well, that's all. Keep it up! |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Nov 2011 12:51 PM |
| This chapter was actually meant to be a dream. Flashbacks from the past, and she wakes up screaming, and it's two years later. I'm re-writing it now though, and making it so it explains the whole beginning...and keeping it a present time instead of two years later. Thanks! :) |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Nov 2011 01:10 PM |
Pretty sweet! Mind if you check mine out? http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=58128031 |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Nov 2011 01:17 PM |
| Thank you. :) Great story! |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
hibean101
|
  |
| Joined: 23 Jun 2011 |
| Total Posts: 15 |
|
|
| 27 Jun 2012 07:56 PM |
| uhm...isnt it a bit much like the hunger games?? i dunno i just thought it was...is it me?? did any1 else c tht... |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
Boeing717
|
  |
 |
| Joined: 08 Jun 2008 |
| Total Posts: 70007 |
|
|
| 27 Jun 2012 09:32 PM |
| hial master lord president kony |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|