Ozzymen
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| Joined: 26 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7115 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 09:56 PM |
Ah, I woke up, what a glorious day to kill, it's been three months since my encounter with emperor vaktus, I'm still a bit in awe, oh wait I'm moving to fast again, I just currently woke up with my squad. We've been posted at a VAC Training Camp for some odd reason, but we're in a bunker and we all just woke up.
I'll go ahead and list some of the guys in my squad, Private First Class WildPhillie (my best friend), he's more of a lean guy, he sorta just moves with the flow. Corporal Jordiebear20, more of a wild chick, she's my friend but we uh..get into it at times, Private First Class LawOfPhysics, this woman! Like a sister to me! Private Lordkyky199, the joker/heavy gunner, and last but not least Lieutenant Darkggod!
The way our chain of command goes is Lieutenant Darkggod, then me or jordie, then wild, then law, then lord. Most squads have a sergeant rather then a lieutenant as there commander but I guess we're just "different", anyways..along with the story..
..so Lieutenant Darkggod just woke us up, with lordkyky cracking some jokes and us all laughing besides wild, (only I can make him laugh) we all sit up straight and center after we see Darkggod is in a serious mode after his quick laugh.
Right when he's about to speak out of no where Colonel Zanos walks in, he's followed by Lieutenant Fireyash, we sit there and listen as the colonel speaks about what's currently happening, we've just entered a war with some strange clan named "RAT", and we're about to be deployed...
..and when I say "we're" I mean ALL of us, including the current VAC's in training, we're going to fly with the main basic attack as a squad to secure a island that we desperately need. Lieutenant Darkggod will be leading us and General Hades will be the main one leading the attack while Colonel Zanos leads a side mission with General Ganex to take some VCR through the back of the island and take out some "VIP"s.
As there done and finish out, lordkyky goes out and says it, saying, "So we're basically a distraction? Great..just great." at that time wild bumps in and tells him to shut it and have confidence, and that's when law and jordie get into it again, a few seconds later darkggod demands silence and tells us to prepare..
..we're about to leave, and as if it was right on time, sirens go off and we see grey uniformed VAC's running around rushing to there stations to prepare to go, we are moved to a gun rack, and some VAC Level 5 is passing out guns, with a strange VAK Sergeant telling us to move our asses.
The weapons are very different due to it being rushed, and I end up with the standard StA-52, but some of the others end up with a MC-56 or a Light Machine-Gun, as soon as we're all prepped up on what we're going to do, dark gets us to a hover craft and we're on it and moving in no time.
As we're going I notice law is a bit shaky and tell her it's okay, and we'll be alright, she agrees, and jordie tells her she's sorry, at that moment lordkyky's face is serious and dark says to shut it.
As the hover craft is moving (with obviously no roof) we notice other ones are being shot down with 6-12 VAC's in them, we're being murdered before we can even reach the island, and when I say murdered I mean murdered, a ship after another..
..right there two hover craft's beside us are hit, one runs into another, boom that's 3, wait no another is down, that's 4, wait no 5, wait I can't keep count it's at like 7, no 9, there's to many going down! I have no clue what's happening, BOOM our driver is shot, I see dark take controls, blood is all over jordie, WHAT'S GOING ON?!?
I'm not re-acting fast enough, I can't move my arms, I see wild hold the man and law try to cover the wound but puke, lordkyky takes over for law, and calls for me to help, I...I can't hear him, no I can I just cannot move, I see we're crashing into a sand area on the island where other VAC's are posted...
...I see dark, dark is turned around, BOOM dark is hit in his shoulder, we're going down, we're going to die, we're crashing, and there we go...we indeed did not die.
Dark landed us in the PERFECT landing area and lordkyky treats his wounds, we find out the driver was dead when the bullet first hit him and we move out as soon as dark is cleared to go by lordkyky.
Guns up I'm now ready, no longer in a daze, I hear gun fire all around us, we move fast, one by one, I hear dark yell out "STAY ON MY ASS!" we all listen, dunking and moving, dunking and moving, we're pitched behind a rock, dark has me give cover fire and wild takes out two men in a bunker with a sniper-rifle he got from a dead VAC.
VAC level 1-2's are ordered to charge, there's still gunners on the far left side but our side is clear, dark has us move up one by one, lordkyky first, then jordie, then me, then law and wild behind us, then dark...then..
Chapter called - "How our world turned upside down." |
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| 10 Jan 2013 09:59 PM |
...........Just saying, but writing in the same style as you speak generally isn't going to work.
"two hover craft's beside us are hit, one runs into another, boom that's 3, wait no another is down, that's 4, wait no 5, wait I can't keep count it's at like 7, no 9, there's to many going down!"
No grammar evident. |
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Ozzymen
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| Joined: 26 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7115 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:03 PM |
| It works for me, and don't "just say", just don't post if you have something that's not positive. |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:08 PM |
It may work for you, but it doesn't work well for readers. You have to make it palatable to the audience.
"just don't post if you have something that's not positive."
Constructive criticism is a helpful thing, actually. |
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Ozzymen
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| Joined: 26 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7115 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:09 PM |
| You're stating your opinion, you cannot speak for all readers, some may enjoy it, aka me. |
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Ihasacorm
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| Joined: 13 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 4884 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:12 PM |
Thank you for that, Grammar Police.
Instead of really critizing his writing, which I do not care for either way,, you could of just rated it. I am not looking for a flame war on a magnificent piece of a story, I am just pointing out that with a piece of artwork like this and excellent creativity, it is rather nice to be nice and rate it. Something like a personal opinion.
[:// _ Starlite General Hydrex _] |
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Ihasacorm
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| Joined: 13 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 4884 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:13 PM |
Forget my last post. I agree with Ozzy. |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:13 PM |
"Instead of really critizing his writing, which I do not care for either way,, you could of just rated it. I am not looking for a flame war on a magnificent piece of a story, I am just pointing out that with a piece of artwork like this and excellent creativity, it is rather nice to be nice and rate it. Something like a personal opinion."
Damn, I get flamed for trying to give constructive criticism. Welcome to the internet, where all opinions are oppressed relentlessly. |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:14 PM |
"Forget my last post. I agree with Ozzy."
Ah, ok. |
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timz56
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| Joined: 03 Mar 2008 |
| Total Posts: 7156 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:14 PM |
| That was kind of hard to read. :/ |
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swim4ymca
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| Joined: 05 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 4191 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:17 PM |
I've seen better; Commander had a valid point about your writing style.
Also you don't really count as a reader, you're more of the writer. Accept constructive criticism when it comes to you. |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:22 PM |
You guys are funny
Maybe he's telling the story to his children or something.
There's a valid explination for his narration-style writing. It was a nice read despite the minor flaws.
Outstanding Citizen of The Worst City on Earth |
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Ultru
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| Joined: 09 Feb 2011 |
| Total Posts: 4528 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:50 PM |
| I mostly read things that has "Ultru" in it or "Xevon" |
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Ozzymen
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| Joined: 26 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7115 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:52 PM |
| I'll make sure to include you in the next chapter then sir. |
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| 10 Jan 2013 10:53 PM |
| hi ozzy, i ct am back to eat all you little vak |
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Elendill
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| Joined: 05 Sep 2008 |
| Total Posts: 1519 |
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| 10 Jan 2013 11:00 PM |
| Oh boy, the RAT war. This brings me back. |
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fireryash
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| Joined: 23 Feb 2011 |
| Total Posts: 423 |
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| 11 Jan 2013 06:07 AM |
| I like the part where I walk in with Zanos. Hahaha. |
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Ozzymen
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| Joined: 26 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7115 |
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| 11 Jan 2013 02:37 PM |
I like these stories, keep them coming.
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army878
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| Joined: 09 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 187 |
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| 11 Jan 2013 02:53 PM |
| Did'nt Drakond start this? |
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