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Re: The Saga of a New Queen

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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
25 Dec 2012 02:54 PM
This is a book( hopefully trilogy) I'm writing... I hope you like it.


Hey. My name , Freya. Freya III, Queen of the Fire Tribes. But let's say I'm getting ahead of the point. If you are reading this, if you found this story, then there is a reason for that. Don't put it down. But if you feel a fire inside you, shut this now. Don't live the life I did.

1. A Chill in the Fire
I saw him right where he shouldn't be. Again. Castor had just swung over the walls( The guards not seeing a thing, of course.) when he saw me. He grinned, that lopsided one that always made you wonder what he'd done this time, and called up to me.
“ Freya! Fancy seeing you here. Will you come down or will I come up?”
I pursed my lips and headed to the door. Just as I got there a slightly grimy, but handsome face appeared out on the balcony. He was wearing a satchel, so he must have slipped off when his mother, the castle healer, got him to go collect herbs.
“ Castor! You shouldn't be here. I don't care if your mother has rights to go in and out of the castle. That doesn't mean that you do.”

He laughed. “ For the seven years that you've known me, have the guards ever caught me?”
I sat down, resigned. “ Fine. But will you at least tell me when you come for one of your little visits? Anybody could see you!”
Hanging his head to one side, he somehow made himself look even goofier. “ S'awright, boss. I'd tell them some excuse.”
I flopped down on a chair and rubbed my temples, sighing. “ Are you ever, ever going to stop lying to the guards? Castor, stop joking. This is serious!”
He grimaced. “ Yeah, yeah. Maybe in the next ten years. Here, I brought you something.”
He flipped open the satchel and revealed a tiny box wrapped in a decorated Sydel leaf. The leaves were huge, lavender and off-white. People who couldn't afford paper used it. It worked just as well, even better sometimes.
I opened it , widening my eyes at the glass statue of a firefly. It would've cost a small fortune in town. Well, a fortune to a villager. “Thank you! How did you know? Mum and Dad don't celebrate my birthday publicly.”
Castor looked at me quizzically. “ You mean to tell me that you think the only royal heir's birthday goes unnoticed in Varga? In the Capitol? People celebrate it all the time!”
“ I-” I felt my face growing hot from embarrassment. “ They celebrate it?”
“ Sure do. In fact, I have to get going. Joanne wanted help putting up the decorations.”
He winked slyly and climbed out of the window. I hurried over and looked down, just catching warm blue eyes and a mop of straw-yellow hair before he disappeared. Putting the firefly down, I walk out to the corridor and take a long breath, exhaling slowly. My birthday was royal, so why am I so surprised to find that people celebrate it? I suppose it is a little unnerving to find that people you don't even know start hanging decorations when my birthday rolls around. My father, King Forthor understood my want of privacy and didn't boast of me turning seventeen, although most of the other worlds do. There are five rulers, each a ruler over five planets-Air, Earth, Water, Ice, and Fire. Only the king of the Air Tribes, King Sorath, agreed with my father. Slytha of Earth, Kerath of Ice, and Lithia of Water all seemed arrogant, swaggering around in their new upgraded armor and preforming feats to impress their people. I was the heir of the throne for the Fire Tribes. Trust me, it's no treat.
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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
25 Dec 2012 06:40 PM
Anyone? This is rather rough, and I would appreciate feedback. :)
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TheRandomAvenger is not online. TheRandomAvenger
Joined: 25 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5254
25 Dec 2012 06:52 PM
It's good.
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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
25 Dec 2012 08:24 PM
Thanks.. did you notice anything that you thought could be improved?
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moomooman222 is not online. moomooman222
Joined: 03 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 6841
25 Dec 2012 08:28 PM
Wow.

This is amazing!
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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
25 Dec 2012 08:29 PM
Thanks! :D I was a little worried on how I described the setting ( The kings, queens, etc.) DO you think it's an information dump?
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Mr44 is not online. Mr44
Joined: 04 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 2628
25 Dec 2012 08:31 PM
It starts rather abruptly, as if it expects me to know the backstory.

If the story takes place in a place that isn't our own, one would expect at least some exposition.
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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
25 Dec 2012 08:33 PM
@Mr: I was hoping for the background information to be revealed as you go along, like to get the basics close to the beginning and the details get filled in as you go. this isn't even a full page, and certainly not a full chapter.
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Mr44 is not online. Mr44
Joined: 04 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 2628
25 Dec 2012 08:37 PM
But I'd expect a quick explanation of the setting at the beginning just to know what I'm getting in to. It doesn't have to tell me everything about the universe, but something like "I'm the princess of [Insert Location Here]" would suffice.
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Sarhath is not online. Sarhath
Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4761
26 Dec 2012 09:29 AM
I did tell you. This isn't meant to be a short story, so I probably left many of the basic fundamentals out for that setting. This entire thing IS " I'm the princess of the Fire Tribes" if you get my meaning. If this was a short story, then I would agree: this is way inadequate.
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