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| 01 Dec 2012 01:18 AM |
True Blood Introduction
Flashback Dream
"OW!" Viola screamed at the top of her voice, Orlando came running into the living room "SHHHHH! be quiet you know mum's sick." "I bumped my head on the table," Viola cried, "Really again!? come on into the kitchen and we'll get you a Ice Pack." Orlando said helpfully. Orlando gave Viola a Ice Pack, "Me tired," Viola yawned, "Can I go up stairs and take a nap?" Viola asked while yawning. "But mother is up stairs sleeping, can't you take a nap down here?" Orlando suggested, "But it's getting dark, I could sleep with mummy." Viola said climbing up the stairs. "No Wait You Can't!" Orlando said looking worried, "Why not?" Viola asked, "Well you'll get sick too, then I'll have to look after yous both by my self, since dad in fighting in the war," Orlando replied, "It's only for a night or..." Viola voice trailed off because there was a noise coming from up stairs, BANG! CRASH! CLATTER! BOOM!, Viola and Orlando rushed up stairs to see where the noise was coming from. They rushed to there mothers room, "It's coming from here," Orlando said with his ear to the door, Viola looked up at Orlando, "I hope mummy's o.k," Viola said with a worried voice. Viola and Orlando pushed open the door and ran inside to find, to find no one, only a open window and the curtains blowing in the wind, their mother was no where to be found. Viola turned to Orlando and hugged him tight, her eyes were filling up with tears. Orlando looked down at Viola, he stroked her hair and held her tightly. Princess Viola Ivy and Prince Orlando Ivy were alone with no Queen as their mum and no King as their dad, they were alone and frighten in the world.
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(the Introduction continues in every book, there's 13 books and 13 chapters in each book! I'll post chapter 1 on Sunday or Monday, Oh and once you read every Introduction of True Blood you'll get the rest of the story, so 12 more Introductions to go!) |
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| 01 Dec 2012 01:22 AM |
| P.S the dream Viola had took place in 1983 she was 5, so she was born in 1979, but the story takes place in 1997. |
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BaGoo77
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| Joined: 26 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 168 |
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| 01 Dec 2012 01:53 AM |
Well, it's good for an intro, just one of two little things. I had some trouble reading, maybe it's my eyesight but could you put the speech on a new line. Bob and Emma walked into a food shop. "I like pie." Bob said. "I like cheese." Emma laughed. Therefore, they bought a cheese pie.
Also, I don't think you put she or she in the story. It gets a little tedious when you repeat names over and over again.
I liked it though and I'd like to see more.
Hope I've helped -
.:~BaGoo~:. |
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| 02 Dec 2012 01:11 AM |
| made a mistake, the title is meant to be Flashback Dream (Part 1) |
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fayis
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| Joined: 24 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 16 |
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| 02 Dec 2012 10:29 AM |
| Yeah, I had trouble reading it too. Perhaps you should divide it into paragraphs? |
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fayis
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| Joined: 24 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 16 |
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| 02 Dec 2012 10:30 AM |
| Otherwise, I thought it was fine. |
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| 02 Dec 2012 11:18 AM |
| thanks, I'll do that with Chapter 1: A Brother goes to War, so it's easier to read |
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| 02 Dec 2012 04:01 PM |
| Oh, wow. I must say, I'm a writer (not professional, just as a hobbie), and this is great! I'd say that you totally have a future in litature!!! Beautiful grammar!! Good luck! :) |
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| 03 Dec 2012 12:22 AM |
| thanks, Chapter 1 will be posted later today, I'll send Link once i write it |
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BaGoo77
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| Joined: 26 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 168 |
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| 03 Dec 2012 01:46 AM |
'be quiet you know mum's sick.' Is that meant to be 'Be quiet, you know mum's sick.'? Just to clarify... |
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| 03 Dec 2012 01:51 AM |
| yep, don't worry You'll be able to read chapter 1 easier |
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