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Re: The Chocolate Touch - Chapter 1 - Parts 7 & 8

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Masterlet is not online. Masterlet
Joined: 30 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 648
30 Nov 2012 10:51 PM
Start time: 11:26 PM (probably)
End time: 11:50 PM

--Part 7--
"That's just what I thought," Dr. Cranium said. "I can tell by looking at him that he eats much too much candy." The doctor shone a little electric light into John's right ear. Then he shone it into John's left ear. Then he shone it in John's nose. He told John to open wide and say ah. Then he shone the light into John's mouth. "Much too much candy! Gracious me—he seems to be full of candy!" He told John to sit down and relax. Then he picked up a small rubber-headed hammer and gave John a light tap on the right knee, just below the joint. John's foot gave a weak kick. John giggled. "It's nothing to laugh about," Mr. Midas said. "No, John," the doctor reproved him. "A healthy little boy who didn't eat too much candy would kick harder than that." "I'm sorry," John said politely. "But I can

--Part 8--
"But I can kick harder if you want me to." He gave a sudden high kick, which knocked the hammer out of Dr. Cranium's hand. It landed on its rubber head and bounced across the room. "John!" exclaimed Mrs. Midas. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Cranium. John, tell the doctor you're sorry for kicking his hammer." "I'm sorry I kicked your hammer," John said. "I would recommend less candy," Dr. Cranium told Mr. and Mrs. Midas. "An upset stomach can lead to all sorts of complications." On the way home Mrs. Midas tried to explain to John what she thought the doctor meant by complications. "You see," she said, "if you put too much of one kind of food in your stomach and not enough of other kinds, it is bad for your whole body, because different parts of your body need different kinds of food. Do you understand?"
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CheeseForEveryone is not online. CheeseForEveryone
Joined: 28 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 2677
30 Nov 2012 11:07 PM
This seems like a good idea for a children's story, but the way you split it into parts just feels like you took a knife and wantonly hacked a chapter into pieces. In addition, spreading a story out over multiple topics without linking to the previous just makes it difficult to read your story. Try always linking to the previous chapter, and when done, you should make a summary page where you link to each part, for easy access.

Overall, I feel that this story would be popular with young children, but the way you formatted it seems to follow no pattern and just annoys the reader.
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Masterlet is not online. Masterlet
Joined: 30 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 648
30 Nov 2012 11:37 PM
@cheeseforeveryone

I'm going to add all the previous parts. (probably)


by the way, your username reminds me that I get cheez :3
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theknightoftime is not online. theknightoftime
Joined: 15 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 14839
01 Dec 2012 12:21 AM
this has already been written

i have read this is 3rd grade




what the hell

~ Cat power on a Vampire Weekend, Sailing on The Pumpkin Tide. ~
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