anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 446 |
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| 28 Mar 2012 10:18 AM |
BOOK 2:New Rivals
AGH!, Sandman! (Callsign off Sgt.TheDestroyer345) GET OUT OF THE KILL ZONE NOW! [1 HOUR EARLIER] Commander Sonic stood there, Saying all F.E.A.R members I'm afraid TD has raided us once again. I'm assigning Squad "Flash". On a misson with Squad "Flare". The attack will be at Fort Argon once more. I question to myself "Again?" I didn't question Commander Sonic. I just went on our squad's heli named "Hammer". We flew through various places until we arrived. We arrived at Fort Argon once more, We got our weapons of choice and moved out. I said to Sandman and Snatch (Sgt.Epicdeadlydude321). Team move out, We must go sneak behind the fort and breach Pieperson's meeting room. So we moved out.
[Chapter 1 End] Sorry for short chapter... Make your critisim friendly. Not insulting. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 28 Mar 2012 11:42 AM |
Chapter 2:Missiles!
Me, Sandman and Snatch were finally behind Fort Argon. I carefully placed the door charge on the wall and screamed "BREACHING!". We raised our ACRs and shot every TD soldier before they could grab their Ak-47 or Ak-47u. I saw Pieperson escaping my sight once more so I said "Commander Sonic, fire a missile at coordinates 5-7-0-4." Commander Sonic said "Affirmative." I saw the missile firing exactly at the Air Docks... I said "Did we get him???" A part of the Air Force said "He escaped before the misssile hit the Air Docks, We're tracking him right now." We were outside Fort Argon unfortunately TD planes modified with 50 caliber cannons shot a pillar in front of Fort Argon. I got my hand hit by a pillar. It hurt very bad but I was never going to give up considering me being a F.E.A.R Colonel. Sandman was lying there so I got him and said "AGH! Sandman! GET OUT OF THE KILL ZONE NOW! There were a lot of pillars so I helped Sandman jump over them. I saw Snatch at the exfil point so I said "Snatch help me bring Sandman inside the "Hammer".
[Chapter 2 End] Tell me if you want to be in the story, I will base your part on how I know you. Make your criteria about my story nice, Not bad. |
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| 28 Mar 2012 01:23 PM |
| Good Story............. But I see you like MW3 :P |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 446 |
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| 28 Mar 2012 01:46 PM |
| Can i be in this please? My rank is sgt. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 446 |
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| 28 Mar 2012 02:27 PM |
| I'll post Chapter 3? later. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 29 Mar 2012 04:31 AM |
Chapter 3:Injured!
Me, Sandman and Snatch were in the 'Hammer'. I said to Snatch "Get the medic kit at the back, We can save him." He went to the back and got it he said "Here Frost." I unzipped the medic kit and got gauze, I wrapped it around his legs and arms and said "Sandman, You'll be okay." Fortunately he woke up and said "Where am I? I said "The 'Hammer' we'll be coming back here soon. I also gave his M1911 and said "I believe this is yours." Sandman replied "Thanks." I said to our driver Sgt.spartanduckie2 " Are we there?" He replied "No." I said "Okay what's our E.T.A to the dormitories?" Spartan replied "10 minutes at most." I said "I'll bring you to the clinic when we arrive Sandman." Sandman said "Thanks, But my legs... and hands..." I said to Sandman "No worries, I asked Honors MP Officer georgek22 to get one." After a few minutes of waiting spartan said "We're here." I saw georgek and said "C'mere, Help me put Sandman here." georgek replied "I know." So I pushed Sandman's wheelchair to the clinic.
[Chapter 3 End] Accepting friendly comments about this. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 446 |
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| 29 Mar 2012 06:05 AM |
| PEOPLE Y U NO POST HERE. LOL. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 29 Mar 2012 08:14 AM |
| Chapter 4 comes out later. |
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| 29 Mar 2012 08:24 AM |
It's nice, but a bit too short. You also have some problems transitioning from dialoge to the rest of your text. I would seperate it out with paragraphs and lines to make it more easy to read. You also need more bulk on your stories, there should be more textual and sensory details, that makes the reader feel like they're there.
Else the story is just a plain read that readers blow through, and one would think you would want your ready to enjoy your story, rather than just skimming over it. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 29 Mar 2012 09:02 AM |
Chapter 4:TD's raid LOCATION:Dormitory Clinic EST TIME:4:05
We arrived at the clinic, There was a horrible smell that smelled like blood. Suddenly my comms-link said "ATTENTION! ALIANOR IS BEING RAIDED BY TD!" I said to Sandman "Just stay there you'll be fine." I went to the entrance of the dorms I saw Snatch and I said "where's our transport?" Snatch replied "This hover humvee is our transport." I looked at the hover humvee, It had no wheels it hovered as the name states. It had the F.E.A.R logo on it's side. So I said to Snatch "Let's go!" Snatch replied "Yeah,Frost." We went aboard the humvee, It whirred across the land as we were transported to Alianor.
We arrived at Alianor, There was so many TD soldiers I said to Snatch "C'mon then, Let's go up the cliffs!." We were up on the cliffs I said to Snatch "Get your sniper we're gonna need these. Oh and don't forget your silencer." Snatch said "Well said"
[Chapter 4 End] @Crav, Is this good enough? Accepting friendly criteria, Not bad. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:24 AM |
Chapter 5:Snipers
LOCATION:CLIFFS OF ALIANOR EST TIME:5:00
Me and Snatch started shooting every TD soldier we could find. By my guess Sandman was nearly recovered. I said "Snatch, I think they have found us." There were missiles hitting spots near us. I could smell smoke so I said to Snatch "Dude,We must get out of here, NOW!" I said "Jump to the ground,Over there!" I jumped over to the spot I pointed to Snatch. A missile barely dodged me. I freaked out saying "AW, NO-" I was shot by probably a AK-47. When I hit the ground I said to Snatch "GET OUT OF HERE NOW, I WILL CRAWL TO THE CLINIC IF I HAVE TO." He said "Ok,I'll secure Sandman." All of a sudden Colonel FerrariLambo said "Get up, You're not down." I said to Col "Thanks." Colonel Ferrari smirked at me. I was transported to the clinic.
[End of Chapter 5] Rate please, Not negative. |
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beebart12
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:29 AM |
| Nice! Exempt chapter 2. It's not ak-74U, it's AKS-74U |
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georgek22
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:30 AM |
8/10 Put me in? ~Honor MP FiD Officer~ |
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beebart12
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| Joined: 01 Sep 2009 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:32 AM |
| Great! But officer bee batter save your butt in chapter 6! |
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anlm123
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:44 AM |
Put me in it? :3
~FEAR Honor, Replica, MP, CO Officer. |
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TYBBB
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| Joined: 15 Jun 2008 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:45 AM |
To much like MW3 :(
-Stay thirsty my friends- |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 11:47 AM |
| @TY, I can make it more orig if you want. |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
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anlm123
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| Joined: 05 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 446 |
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| 06 Apr 2012 05:04 AM |
| Chapter 6 soon I'm trying to get an idea. |
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| 07 Apr 2012 08:20 AM |
So, im in the story. are ya making a book 3 ?
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