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Re: A Stupid Person's Guide To Life

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ArmyMan00 is not online. ArmyMan00
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 1843
10 Nov 2012 01:38 PM
◦Don't eat rocks.
◦Don't take naps in the road.
◦Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
◦Don't throw a brick straight up.
◦Don't breathe car exhaust.
◦If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
◦For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
◦Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
◦Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
◦The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
◦If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
◦If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
◦Don't flip off the Mafia.
◦If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
◦Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
◦Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
◦Don't shave with a lawn mower.
◦Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
◦Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
◦Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
◦The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
◦Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
◦Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
◦The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
◦Don't eat hot coals.
◦Don't escape in to jail.
◦Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
◦Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
◦Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
◦Sell at most one of your kidneys.
◦Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
◦Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
◦Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
◦Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
◦Don't snap towels at passing cops.
◦Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
◦Don't lick dry ice.
◦Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
◦Don't pour salt in your eyes.
◦Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
◦Don't microwave yourself.
◦Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
◦Don't swallow toothpaste.
◦Don't chew Tylenol.
◦Don't bathe in gasoline.
◦Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
◦Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
◦Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
◦Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
◦Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
◦Don't go swimming in a well.
◦Rake leaves, not people.
◦Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
◦Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
◦If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
◦Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
◦Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
◦When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
◦Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
◦Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
◦Elvis is dead. Get over it.
◦Wear clothes.
◦Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
◦If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
◦Don't drink.
◦Don't drive.
◦Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
◦Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
◦When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
◦When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
◦No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
◦Give me all your money.
◦When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
◦Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
◦Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
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ArmyMan00 is not online. ArmyMan00
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 1843
10 Nov 2012 01:41 PM
Hello? bump
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yosheevee is not online. yosheevee
Joined: 23 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 2018
10 Nov 2012 01:41 PM
That last one.
Amen
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yosheevee is not online. yosheevee
Joined: 23 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 2018
10 Nov 2012 01:42 PM
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All of it's good
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xXitsover7000Xx is not online. xXitsover7000Xx
Joined: 10 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 1172
10 Nov 2012 01:43 PM
To be honest: tl;dr.
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yosheevee is not online. yosheevee
Joined: 23 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 2018
10 Nov 2012 01:43 PM
sorry about spam
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ArmyMan00 is not online. ArmyMan00
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 1843
10 Nov 2012 01:44 PM
Its too long, but its funny
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