Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:19 PM |
i'll give you a little excerpt (yes I posted this same thing on my poem thread but this reaches more people meaning more feedback) PM me if you want the entire thing <3
After dinner, I could have gone back to the courtyard to visit some more, but I was tired. I just wanted to go sleep. I pressed the button next to my tray of food and it evaporated, along with some chewed up bitter chocolate and turkey. I waited until we were dismissed by the warden, then walked through Peace Hall towards the translucent green field across the exit. I stepped into it and was temporarily unable to move while it searched me for anything dangerous. It lit up around me and everyone stopped and stared. The field only did that if there was a threat. Some black-suited men ran towards me. Where did they come from? They were dressed to be agile and unseen, like... What were they called? I’d read about them once in a history book. Ninjas. I started to panic. I tried to move, I tried to flail out, but I couldn’t. I was locked in the doorway. And then I wasn’t. The field burst, little shards of untouchable green stuff, like glass, flying through the air. People screamed and took cover under the tables. Those who didn’t were knocked back, sliding across the floor or table, depending on their position. I bolted.
maybe you can be science |
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shadow97
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| Joined: 03 Sep 2007 |
| Total Posts: 42693 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:22 PM |
| tl;dr read first 2 lines sounds GrAY |
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:22 PM |
@shadow
okay is that the only adjective you can give me
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:25 PM |
i'll take that as a yes also useless bump
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:26 PM |
literally too much detail
getting from one end of the hall to the other end of the hall will take two god damn pages if you write like this |
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Cabaji
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| Joined: 07 Feb 2011 |
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:32 PM |
@cabaji
it was supposed to emphasize how far along it was the people weren't ninjas
it was a metaphor and a bad one, but that's to outline the character this is like 2000 years in the future btw there's a huge backstory, this is only a tiny bit
@jaffa
well that part was really detailed because I had to describe the food and the difference it is now (2000 years difference) and the past (current year irl) so yes it was a lot of detail but necessary
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:36 PM |
it's currently about fifteen pages
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shadow97
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| Joined: 03 Sep 2007 |
| Total Posts: 42693 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:37 PM |
| 15 pages about getting from one part of town to another k |
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:38 PM |
@shadow97
fifteen pages about a high-security prison in a post-apocalypse war zone, actually
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katuu
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| Joined: 22 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 6866 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:40 PM |
sounds like a wannabe hunger games from the technology and the "peace hall" i don't like it |
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:41 PM |
@katuu
not at all actually quite different
there's no people being forced to kill and eat eachother or any arena or gamekeepers or anything related to the hunger games really
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katuu
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| Joined: 22 May 2010 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:44 PM |
"there's no people being forced to kill and eat each other"
children and they don't eat each other i don't think the capitol would like that too much |
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:46 PM |
the capitol watches children brutally murder eachother for fun i think it would be entertaining to them to watch someone go so long without food they must eat an ally
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Crystoh
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| Joined: 28 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 16458 |
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| 08 Nov 2012 08:54 PM |
also "peace hall" is only a name for the dining hall, used for the purpose of making everything seem okay when in reality this place sucks.
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