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OT, what do you think of a story I'm making

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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:19 PM
i'll give you a little excerpt (yes I posted this same thing on my poem thread but this reaches more people meaning more feedback)
PM me if you want the entire thing <3

After dinner, I could have gone back to the courtyard to visit some more, but I was tired. I just wanted to go sleep. I pressed the button next to my tray of food and it evaporated, along with some chewed up bitter chocolate and turkey. I waited until we were dismissed by the warden, then walked through Peace Hall towards the translucent green field across the exit. I stepped into it and was temporarily unable to move while it searched me for anything dangerous. It lit up around me and everyone stopped and stared. The field only did that if there was a threat. Some black-suited men ran towards me. Where did they come from? They were dressed to be agile and unseen, like... What were they called? I’d read about them once in a history book. Ninjas. I started to panic. I tried to move, I tried to flail out, but I couldn’t. I was locked in the doorway.
And then I wasn’t.
The field burst, little shards of untouchable green stuff, like glass, flying through the air. People screamed and took cover under the tables. Those who didn’t were knocked back, sliding across the floor or table, depending on their position.
I bolted.


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shadow97 is not online. shadow97
Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Total Posts: 42693
08 Nov 2012 08:22 PM
tl;dr read first 2 lines sounds GrAY
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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:22 PM
@shadow

okay
is that the only adjective you can give me


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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:25 PM
i'll take that as a yes
also useless bump


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JaffaCoffee is not online. JaffaCoffee
Joined: 06 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 265
08 Nov 2012 08:26 PM
literally too much detail

getting from one end of the hall to the other end of the hall will take two god damn pages if you write like this
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Cabaji is not online. Cabaji
Joined: 07 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 75130
08 Nov 2012 08:28 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:32 PM
@cabaji

it was supposed to emphasize how far along it was
the people weren't ninjas

it was a metaphor
and a bad one, but that's to outline the character
this is like 2000 years in the future btw
there's a huge backstory, this is only a tiny bit

@jaffa

well
that part was really detailed because I had to describe the food and the difference it is now (2000 years difference) and the past (current year irl)
so yes
it was a lot of detail but necessary


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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:36 PM
it's currently about fifteen pages


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shadow97 is not online. shadow97
Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Total Posts: 42693
08 Nov 2012 08:37 PM
15 pages about getting from one part of town to another k
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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:38 PM
@shadow97

fifteen pages about a high-security prison in a post-apocalypse war zone, actually


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katuu is not online. katuu
Joined: 22 May 2010
Total Posts: 6866
08 Nov 2012 08:40 PM
sounds like a wannabe hunger games from the technology and the "peace hall"
i don't like it
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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:41 PM
@katuu

not at all actually
quite different

there's no people being forced to kill and eat eachother
or any arena
or gamekeepers
or anything related to the hunger games really


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katuu is not online. katuu
Joined: 22 May 2010
Total Posts: 6866
08 Nov 2012 08:44 PM
"there's no people being forced to kill and eat each other"

children
and they don't eat each other i don't think the capitol would like that too much
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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:46 PM
the capitol watches children brutally murder eachother for fun
i think it would be entertaining to them to watch someone go so long without food they must eat an ally


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Crystoh is not online. Crystoh
Joined: 28 May 2010
Total Posts: 16458
08 Nov 2012 08:54 PM
also "peace hall" is only a name for the dining hall, used for the purpose of making everything seem okay
when in reality this place sucks.


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