generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Club Houses » Off Topic
Home Search
 

Re: The Blackjay War; First three paragraphs, version I

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Max5081 is not online. Max5081
Joined: 02 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 95
23 Oct 2012 05:20 PM
As I get ready to drop down from the hovercraft, I hear Jackson say from in front of me, “You know, this is pretty big, I never got to go secure a town like you’re doing!” I can’t help but smile. Jackson has been my friend threw the Redhawk war, and all the hard parts in my life. The light turns green, and the hatch opens. “Bye Jackson! Tell Hudson I owe him for the wrist-guards!” Jackson nods, and with that, I jump out.
The landing was a bit harder than I would have liked. When I land, I instantly have to use my kinetics to keep the pain in my ankles from overwhelming me. I decide to sit against a tree, and take in my surroundings. Let’s see… A forest where I am right now, pretty deep and thick, a lake to the north, and a town to the south, nothing unusual! I stand up, and look to my left and right. I start off walking, and I see a streak of… Red, or is it blue, to my right. I look over, but find nothing. I continue walking, until I’m pinned against a tree. “’Ello, Jessy! Long time no see!” A deep, arrogant voice says in my ear. “Cason! Let me go you Redhawk!” A knife goes to my arm, and I feel pain in the middle of my arm, and the blood trickles from the cut. Just when Cason is about to drill the knife deeper into my arm, someone tackles Cason off of me. I hear a lot of noise, but right now my attention is on that cut Cason gave my arm. I wipe the blood trickling from it with a leaf from the tree I was pinned to, and take a bandage from my pocket. As I un-wrap the bandage and put it on, a girl walks over to me. “You alright?” She says. “Yea, I’m good. I’m… I’m Jess,” I say with a bit of caution. “Well, nice to meet you Jess. I’m Angie,” the girl says normally. Something isn’t right about her… But I can’t figure out what! The pain in my arm is getting worse every minute, did Cason use Blackjay poison? No, he couldn’t have. I start walking to the bar, where I work, and I keep getting the feeling I’m being watched.
About thirty minutes after I make it to the bar, Angie walks in. I look to Zella, who is busy with someone else. I walk over to where Angie sat down, and ask, “Hey there, Angie. What would you like?” She looks up at me, and for the first time, I see a necklace on her neck. It’s blue, with a serpent on it. “I’ll like some water, please,” Angie says. I nod, and get a water bottle from the mini-fridge under the counter, and hand it to her. “Thanks,” Angie says as she opens the bottle. I hesitate, but I say it anyway, “Nice necklace. I have one just like it, but there’s a phoenix on it, and it’s orange.” I take my orange necklace from under my shirt and take it off. In detail, it’s a beaded necklace, with flame-orange beads, and at the “main part” of it, there’s a golden shield with a flame-orange phoenix on it. She looks at it for a minute, and then says, “That’s cool! Where did you get it?” Uh-oh… I can’t tell her the truth… “Oh um… I got it from a friend,” I say. She nods. I think she bought it. I want to go to the lake; it’s been a hard, long, work day. “Zella, do you mind covering for me, please? I would like to go to the lake,” I tell Zella. She nods, and I walk out.
Report Abuse
monkeyboy490 is not online. monkeyboy490
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 1
23 Oct 2012 06:54 PM
double thumbs up dude!
Report Abuse
Max5081 is not online. Max5081
Joined: 02 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 95
23 Oct 2012 11:37 PM
Thanks. A ROUND OF APLAUSE FOR THE FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT!!! *CLAPS*
Report Abuse
zomgbbq is not online. zomgbbq
Joined: 30 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 6638
23 Oct 2012 11:39 PM
do you see that rising up from the horizon

it's all the incoming trolls and haters

eeeee
Report Abuse
Max5081 is not online. Max5081
Joined: 02 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 95
23 Oct 2012 11:59 PM
Trollers gunna troll.
Haters gunna hate.
People gunna ignore.
Better people gunna counter those trolls and hates.
Report Abuse
CheeseForEveryone is not online. CheeseForEveryone
Joined: 28 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 2677
24 Oct 2012 12:15 AM
It has potential. You seem to be a good beginner writer, but you don't really seem to have your style worked out yet. Every writer has a style. I deal with very heavy themes, my writing is usually pretty dark, and I write dialogue as it's meant to be pronounced. Work out a style, see what fits for you.

Also, one more tip:

Use the enter key more. Too many text walls.
Report Abuse
Max5081 is not online. Max5081
Joined: 02 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 95
24 Oct 2012 12:18 AM
Wow... NEVER thought of that! But erm... Idk how to find a style...
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Club Houses » Off Topic
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image