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Vampires Book 1: Becoming

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flobbit is not online. flobbit
Joined: 14 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 638
16 Oct 2012 12:11 AM
I saw the new kid sit down slowly. He was small for his age. He had dark, sprawly, shaggy hair that went in ten different directions. He had pale skin and...red eyes. Red? Strange. I couldn't get my eyes off of him. There was something unsettling about him. The bell rung and I trudged out of the door into the lunch room. Uh, glop. I reluctantly sat down and stuck my fork in. I slowly took a bite. The new kid sat down by me, his pale skin and red eyes shining. He sat and devoured a red velvet cake. I really never liked red velvet. The new kids name was Jake. I asked him if he wanted to meet him at the abandoned warehouse and for him to hang out with me. He grinned and said okay.
I sat finishing my test. The new kid seemed to have sharp teeth. It was strange. He wouldn't even look at the garlic bread at lunch. The bell rung for the end of the day and I hauled up my backpack and stepped outside to leave. I motion Jake to follow me to the warehouse. It was a long way. It got darker every minute, the darker or got, the weirder Jake seemed to be. He checked his watch and grnned a sharp tooth smile. We stepped inside the warehouse and hung around for a while. I wish I knew what was gonna happen next.
Suddenly, it was midnight. Jake laughed. He suddenly got taller. He gave a grin to reveal two very sharp teeth in the front of his mouth. "V-vampire" I stuttered. He laughed and dove at me. He grabbed me by the short collar and threw me into the wall. He fiendishly laughed and prepared to turn me into a vampire. I hit him in the stomach with my foot. He kept an iron grip. He then reached his mouth towards me and bit, transforming me into a vampire.

It isn't very long, detailed, or good. I'm sorry and I didn't have too much time. It'll be a series so it'll get better
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owenster is not online. owenster
Joined: 10 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 1106
16 Oct 2012 12:24 AM
Yeah, add more detail. Cheesy, not too original because these are all the vampire stereotypical things. You better upgrade this a lot if you want more popularity.

`~Just Saiyan~`
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NarutosRasengan1 is not online. NarutosRasengan1
Joined: 28 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 15727
16 Oct 2012 04:23 PM
I'd suggest instead of leading towards the whole "vampire hunter even though im a vampire" thing, lean towards something different in a way
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