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Re: Long Night in Hell Chapter 4 (FEEDBACK) Rough Draft

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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 01:39 AM
Long Night in Hell

Chapter 4: The Dreadnought's Reclemation

Krypka slowly opened her eyes after an eternity of darkness and nightmares. As her eyes opened she only layed there in silence for a second to focus her blurry vision. After her vision cleared, she slowly got up in a daze. She reached her hand to her forehead and tried to remember what the hell had just happened. she only remembered loosing her balance on board the Albatross. She stumbled around in the darkened cabin of the Albatross in search of her helmet, she eventually found it and cursed under her breath as she noticed it was completely crushed. She then un-holstered her two Maverick heavy automatic pistols and began to step out into the outer cabin, as she did she began to hear the heavy repetition of a Nafarian MG outside. Krypka quickened her pace in hopes of re linking with her own kind, her quickened pace nearly made her slip on the blood-slick floors of the Albatross's outer cabin. As she stepped outside she noticed a lone Nafarian soldiers yelling and firing the MG into the darkness above the craters wall, she tried to open her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. She slowly made her way up to the crater wall, as she did she noticed the MG overheat, a coalition soldier popped over the wall and swiped at the Nafarian, the Nafarian dodged, Krypka quickly raised her Maverick and shot straight into the man's head, he fell without a scream, another coalition soldier popped over, took one look at Krypka before looking behind him and yelling:

"Dreadnought! Retreat!" The solder turned around quickly and saw Krypka, he looked at her for a second before speaking.

"Ever heard of duck?"

"I don't give unnecessary warnings." Krypka replied coldly.

She recognized that soldiers voice, Captain Raze, the one who appeared to hold some form of distaste for her.

"what's the situation" She asked again as she holstered her weapons.

"Stopped hearing fighting about three hours ago, I do belive we're the last ones left." Raze replied in a rather annoyed voice.

"Anything from the Razer's?" She asked.

"No ma'am, they were shot out of the sky 5 hours ago, only lasted an hour after we crashed, I can't pull up any long distance comms, I believe their jamming us."

Krypka pulled out her tac pad to test Raze's claim, she was met with an orange Nafarian symbol slowly turning with slight static, identifying no available connection to any Nafarian channel. She pulled the symbol away and tried to pull up a hologram of the city but it would not move from the report she last sent, which ended in a bunch of gibberish due to the crash. She tossed the now useless tac-pad to the side, and began to think of a plan.

"Orders ma'am?" Raze impatiently said as he looked behind his back looking for more coalition soldiers. Krypka could only come up with one viable solution out of this which she announced to Raze.

"Yeah... our only viable option is to get out of range of whatever is blocking our comms and alert Nafarian High comm of these pulse cannons if they don't already know about them"

Raze coughed before replying. "Ma'am with all do respect were up against an entire army of these humans, the likelyhood is if we try to escape, we'll only die, which dieing for no purpose is not going to give our

army much of a help."

"So what do you suggest Captain, just sitting here and waiting for them to come to us?!"

"No ma'am, I'm actually suggesting the destruction of the AA guns and that comm jammer, go out with a bang, destroy everything we can before our deaths, we'll most likely die by the time we destroy the first

gun... but it'll save lives."

Krypka got up and stretched mulling over what the captain had just said. "So... that's it then?" She said in dismay. "were just going to server as cannon fodder..." She walked up to the crater wall and surveyed their surroundings, she looked up to a building about 5 miles off before saying.

"we need to get to high ground, see where these objectives are located and devise a plan, I suggest that tall building that way." She said pointing to the building.

"Then we need to get moving" Raze said, I don't give it long before they attack this position in force."

Krypka nodded and began to jog down the hill, Raze followed suit, she took a right and began to attempt to navigate through the city. she hung a left as she reached the first left, as she turned on it she stopped, standing before her was one of her personal guard patrols, destroyed, decimated by the humans, she walked up the street slowly, stopping for a second to observe the destroyed Nafarian rhino tank. Raze pulled up behind her. He was jogging quite considerably slower pace than her. He came up behind her and slowed. Krypka sollemly looked at the destruction, she never had lost a friend in battle, she had lost many soldiers she did not know, and yet now, she was standing before an entire squad of Nafarians she knew, Nafarians she had hand picked. Rage swelled up in her as she sunk her armored fist into the side of the tank leaving a huge dent in it. She removed her fist and grabbed a fallen AR-3, she turned to Raze who obviously didn't know what to make of the situation.

"C'mon" She said irratably. "No use mourning."

Raze looked as if he were about to say something but stayed silent and followed behind, as she came up to the second turn, she heard laughing, she poked her head around the corner and saw a collection of eight humans and one of their old tech tanks. She signaled for Raze to come up to her position.

"we have armor around the bend, I'll take on the tank, you distract the rest."

"Yes ma'am" He replied.

"On the count of three give me some covering fire, I'll rush the tank"

Raze nodded and prepared his AR'3. Krypka put her AR-3 across her back and pulled out her energy sword in one hand and a Maverick in the other."One." She whispered. "Two..." "Three!" As she ran for the tank, energy sword drawn she heard Raze begin to open fire on the enemy. She saw two coalition soldiers go down by Raze's weapon before the rest jumped for cover, one Coalition soldier attempted to tackle Krypka but she simply shot him with a short burst from her Maverick and continued to sprint after the tank, which sprang to life and was beggining to turn it's turret in her direction. She sprinted faster and made it to the tank before it could even turn it's turret. she jumped along the side and made it to the hatch, sliced the hatch off with the sword and speared the operator, she hit the control systems at the same time. She felt a few projectile's hit her in her back, the armor reflected the blows, she took the operator out of the tank still attached to her sword and began to use him as a meat shield, she holstered her Maverick above his shoulder and picked off the remaining three coalition soldiers before throwing the operator to the side. She gave Raze the thumbs up to move ahead. Raze approached as Krypka holstered her energy sword. She expected him to say something about the foolishness about the tactic but received none. She thought he either viewed the tactic as good or still didn't know whether or not to speak to her. She motioned for Raze to follow her, she liked the silence, gave her much time to think about what had happened here, she saw the signs of battle, scorch marks on coalition bodies, bullet holes in Nafarian bodies. She recognized no more of her comrades. She silently wondered if Raze had recognized any comrades of his but quickly dropped the thought. She refused to form any kind of similarities between her and Raze no matter how small, as the looming tower grew closer and both Raze and Krypka grew tired from the jogging, Krypka called for a rest as the pain in her legs became unbearable. They pulled off into a near building, as they entered Raze took off his helmet, and Krypka sat down in a corner. The building was dark, and the door was made of thin glass, most of which had broken away, it didn't appear to have been a holdout for either side as no bodies littered the building and it was undamaged for the most part besides the bits of ceiling that gave way due to bombings, it was the perfect place to rest undetected. they stood silently for a moment, before Raze broke the ice, the tall Nafarian looked into her with his dull Grey eyes as he spoke, most of his pitch black Hair was shaven save for one half. A cut ran down his left cheek, obviously fresh.

"Those soldiers back there, you knew them, didn't you?" He asked.

Krypka's eyes hardened and her stance stiffened. "It.. it doesn't concern you." She replied stiffly. She still remembered some of their names, Dan, the PFC who proved himself on the first day under her regiment, Nukra, the Sergeant she put in command of her forces. She had bonded with those men, fought with them on many campaigns bringing destruction as they went. Raze said no more on the subject and looked out the tinted windows as a large convoy passed by the building, missing them entirely.

"Reckon their searching for us?" He asked.

"without a doubt." Krypka replied coldly. "You don't patrol a dead city." Raze simply grunted in reply as he leaned back against one of the collums holding up the damaged building, Krypka sollemly looked out the

window as she caught her breath, and waited for the Coalition patrol to pass them by. Raze astonishingly already appeared to be rested, as the last coalition tank passed by. She straightened her posture and walked to the doorway in an attempt to see what way the coalition was headed. She wasnt surprised to see them turning in the direction of their crash site. As soon as the last coalition vehicle turned the corner, she prepared

to leave.

"Lets go." Krypka said.

Raze nodded, put his helmet back on and loaded is AR-3 and followed Krypka out as she exited the building. They both ran down the dark, silent streets of the city, passing the bodies of fallen coalition soldiers and their fallen comrades along the way. Raze was still jogging behind Krypka but was keeping up the same pace, she silently wondered why he was making sure to jog behind her, Soon they were only a block away from the large tower, Krypka took the final turn and slowed as she arrived to the final turn, she stopped at the corner and waited for Raze to catch up, he slid to a halt behind her. Krypka peeked her head around

the corner, and gave no signal to move out.

"what's the hold up?" He asked.

She looked around more before replying, a large coalition force lay before them, enough to hold off an entire Nafarian batallion for an hour... or one drenought. Krypka turned to Raze and began to speak.

"Large regiment of Coalition troops, three tanks, no way to sneek around... any ideas?"

Raze simply smiled and tossed a few charges up in down in his hand. Krypka returned the smile as she was pretty sure she knew what he was thinking. "So, what's the plan?" She asked.

"Luring their armor into these, and picking off their infantry in the chaos, and if you don't mind commander, you will be our jackrabbit." He said motioning to the charge he held in his hand. Krypka nodded as she

pulled her AR-3 out and slammed a fresh clip into it.

"And what do you plan on doing Captain?" She asked.

"Someone must set the charges up." He simply said in reply.

Krypka didn't say anything else before waiting for her opening, she was going to wait for Raze to set up the charges before drawing the coalition soldier's fire. She ducked as she ran to the first pile of rubble on the street, once she reached it she observed her surroundings, there were three tanks, one with an operator in it, and the other two were dormant, at least two dozen Coalition soldiers were patrolling the tower, she saw a half a dozen more inside the tower, the street was filled with rubble and lots of strategically placed barricades, giving her a lot of cover and operating room, two flood lights lit up the street, making it much brighter compared to the streets they had previously jogged across, she looked behind her to see the dart of Grey movement as Raze set up the charges, as he set up the final charge, he gave Krypka the thumbs up before running into cover. Krypka began to level her AR-3 and began to look for her target. She saw an older coalition soldier standing in the opening, she looked down her sight and pulled the trigger, 3 shots were released into his back, he fell to the ground screaming in agony, the rest of the coalition soldiers sprang to life, taking defensive positions, she saw two operators run for the other tanks, the six soldiers in the tower ran out and leveling their weapons and searching for targets, Krypka threw her AR-3 to the side and pulled out her Maverick and Energy sword, she jumped from her cover, and began to fire on the nearest coalition soldier while sprinting to the next piece of cover, she grinned as she heard a yell, marking a hit, four coalition soldiers began to open fire, missing by a large margin, she settled down at the next barricade and popped her head over to see three coalition soldiers running at her, she killed one with a well placed shot and injured the second, the third vaulted over her barricade, a fatal error, he met the end of Krypka's energy sword as she speared it through him. The rest of the coalition soldiers saw her now, a barrage of bullets hit her position, her armor reflected the bullets as she ran to her next target, she rammed her shoulder into the man, knocking the breath out of him, and knocking him down, she stooped down as she speared him with her energy sword, she brought him up and began using him as a human shield, the tanks now sprang to life and took aim, she took out three more coalition soldiers before kicking her meat shield off the end of her sword and turned to sprint away, the tanks followed suit, one firing it's main gun that nearly missed Krypka's head. She felt shell pass just feet over her head, she ran past the charges, and gave Raze the thumbs up. He had his AR-3 in one hand and the detonator in the other. Krypka didn't stop sprinting, turning right towards Raze's position, but let a few shots off at her pursuers, the tanks were still following. She skidded to a halt next to Raze and began to watch the tanks passed, Raze activated the charges, four large explosions rocked their position, Krypka's hearing went out and she was slightly blinded by the flash of light from the explosion, she wished she had had her helmet. After her senses returned to her, she charged back into the field, She pulled out her second Maverick and began unloading onto the coalition soldiers still running after their tanks died. Raze followed suit, bringing his AR-3 to bear. Krypka turned the corner and took cover again, only a handful of Coalition soldiers remained. "Simple" She thought to herself, she looked towards Raze, he was pinned down by a barrage of Coalition fire, Krypka vaulted over her cover and began to fire on the remaining coalition soldiers, they turned their fire on her, she felt the projectiles slam into her armor, but not penetrating it, one of the perks of being a dreadnought. She took out three more soldiers as Raze took the opportunity to take out the final four. His shots were precise and led to quick deaths. Krypka lowered her weapons and looked to Raze. After he returned her gaze, she motioned to the tower, Raze nodded and covered her advance, she jogged quickly to up the marble steps of the tower, she made it to the landing as she raised her weapons once more, sweeping the inside of the building with her eyes, after assuring that all hostiles were eliminated, she holstered her Maverick SMG's and began to move to the entrance, as she was steps away, she felt something tug at her ankle, she looked down, a wounded coalition soldier looked up at her. He had blue eyes, and brown hair, scorch marks marked his neck and legs, he was young, probably barely 18. His eyes had a pleading look about them as he spoke.

"Please..." He said weakly. "Help me... have mercy..."

Krypka looked down upon him for a second before drawing her SK-15 and aiming it down at the man's face. Fear registered on the young man's face as he knew his fate. she let three shots go into his face, and watched the life escape from his body, she felt a sense of revenge for the loss of her personal guard as he died, she still needed more.

"There's your damned mercy..." She said as she shook his cold, dead hand from her ankle. Raze simply looked on in shock before making his way up the stairs.

"He was hardly a man..." He said. " Do you have any sense of mercy?" Raze asked in utter astonishment.

Krypka stopped walking and turned her head in Raze's direction. "He is the enemy" She said. "It's their life... or ours."

Raze stood in shock as Krypka began to enter the building, It took only a second for Raze to recover and follow suit. Krypka looked around at her surroundings, the building was in moderate condition, bodies of Coalition and Nafarian soldiers lay strewn across the floor of the building. As she scanned she found an operational elevator, the door wide open. "There she said, pointing to the elevator." Raze nodded as they made their way to it, she picked up a discarded AR-3. She moved into the elevator, Raze following suit behind her, she leveled her weapon and motioned for Raze to do the same as she pushed the button to the top floor. The elevator doors closed agonizingly slowly, once they shut, she could feel the elevator begin to lurch up to the top. She quickly looked up to the number indicating what floor they were on before looking back down her sights. "Four floors to go" She thought to herself. She heard the ding of the elevator reaching its destination. The seconds it took for the doors to open felt more like hours. Krypka's heart raced as she expected the worst to appear from behind those doors. It took her only a second to scan the roof as the doors open, three coalition soldiers could be seen, unprepared, both Krypka and Raze opened fire, the soldiers

dropped to the floor, dead.

"C'mon," she said through heavy breaths." Lets get this over with." Raze simply nodded in response. She walked outside of the elevator, AR-3 at her shoulder as she swept the roof. No other coalition soldier made an appearance. She relaxed and slung her AR-3 back over her shoulder, Raze walked ahead of her towards the edge of the tower. Krypka followed suit. As she made it to the edge, she looked out on to the burning city, most of the lights came from fires still raging across the city like torches. She saw the large guns that had taken out their air support, only three remained, she scanned up and down for the jammer as well. She eventually saw it, strategically placed in the center of the the three guns. "They've had this planned since the beggining... this was all a trap." Krypka said. Raze grunted in response. They both scanned the city from their vantage point some more before Raze finally spoke up.

"Commander..." He began to say. "were going to have to split up before-"

"No, that will only make it easier for them to pick us off." She said interrupting him.

"Ma'am, with all do respect, there is no chance of us making it through here alive if we stick together." Raze replied.

"Captain Raze, if we split up, we surely will die before even making it to the first gun... no, we take these together, one by one." She said.

"Commander! One of your plans already got this entire army killed!" Raze shouted. "I will not sit idly as-"

"Captain!" Krypka shouted back as she turned to him, dark red eyes filled with hatred. "It's two of us versus all of them! No single one of us can take all that on! Either we take these together or die before we even make it to the buildings these guns are placed on." Raze gave no reply, they both stood in silence, the silence seemed to last for hours before Raze spoke up.

"You're right..." Raze admitted. "I am sorry, Commander." Krypka didn't truly believe Raze's apology, nor his revelation.

"Ok." She simply stated. "were going to have to utilize the darkness and move quickly, once one of these blows were sure to attract attention, do you have more of those charges?" She asked.

"Seven more, Commander." Raze replied.

"Good." Krypka said, "Now, let's move out... lets get this over with..." she said.

Her final thoughts before she turned away from the ledge were "what would Lord Pain do in my position?" For the moment, she truly wished she had never been assigned to this city, and quietly cursed Pain for putting her in charge of the invasion force. She slowly followed Raze into the elevator, preparing herself for the hell-filled night fate had in store for Raze and Krypka.


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Anthonylazaro101 is not online. Anthonylazaro101
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 1182
06 Oct 2012 01:40 AM
Great but long chapter

«⊱▶✰ Fear only lies, in my dark abyss. Tremble in fear! Where there is darkness, there is death. - Lord Pain ✰◀⊰»
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 01:41 AM
^Yep I promise to make ch.5 a bit more condensed.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 01:50 AM
Title fix.
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thered28 is not online. thered28
Joined: 25 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 123
06 Oct 2012 02:11 AM
Very good.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 02:12 AM
^Thanks.
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Materialization is not online. Materialization
Joined: 22 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 10109
06 Oct 2012 02:12 AM
keep up the good work
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 02:14 AM
^Thanks, I considered condensing this further but I already feel that I rushed a fevv paragraphs.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 04:28 AM
Bump.
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warmakers is not online. warmakers
Joined: 07 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3264
06 Oct 2012 04:58 AM
Epic.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 05:00 AM
Thanks, read previous chapters if this makes no sense to you.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 05:08 AM
bumpp
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 06:27 AM
Bump before nighty night.
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funnymagic8ball is not online. funnymagic8ball
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 4485
06 Oct 2012 06:41 AM
tl;dr




↺Reversal Revenant↺ Funny
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 06:43 AM
^ Cool
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nickle389 is not online. nickle389
Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 456
06 Oct 2012 10:59 AM
That was... LONG AND AWESOME!!!
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pumpedpwnage4life54 is not online. pumpedpwnage4life54
Joined: 24 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 4925
06 Oct 2012 11:04 AM
avoid dialogue unless you're really good at it. Focus more on the description and telling the story. Only use dialogue if you absolutely need to.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 11:10 AM
^Yeah felt that vvas a bit rushed, previous dialogue's in older chapters vvere much better in my opinion, This is also a rough draft draft and vvill be heavily edited over the next fevv vveeks.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 11:57 AM
Also thanks.
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Tr0llfaice is not online. Tr0llfaice
Joined: 26 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 121
06 Oct 2012 11:28 PM
Gud story keep it uppppp....
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
06 Oct 2012 11:39 PM
Thanks.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
07 Oct 2012 01:22 AM
Bump.
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RobotWeegee101 is not online. RobotWeegee101
Joined: 21 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 20899
07 Oct 2012 01:26 AM
long night in ot*
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sposeisawesome is not online. sposeisawesome
Joined: 29 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 4473
07 Oct 2012 01:27 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
07 Oct 2012 02:07 AM
Thanks,
@Robot, clan based story, nuff said.
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