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Re: Long Night in Hell Chapter 1 (Feedback)

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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:18 AM
Chapter 1: The Dreadnought

Raze stood in astonishment as he heard the last few words escape the Imperial Marshal's lips. Those last words that stated the he would no longer be leading his forces into battle, that they would be headed by one of the soldiers he despised the most... the Dreadnought. He knew their type, arrogant, cocky, and worst of all reckless. He remembered his earlier days in which he served under a Dreadnought... he hated that soldier. He stood there in complete astonishment staring blankly at the Imperial Marshal's face. He couldn't find his voice, he couldn't manage to say one word. The Imperial Marshal began to talk.

"Ah Raze, there you are, as I have just told Major Marcus, you will not be leading you're forces into battle, Lord Pain has thought it best if a dreadnought class soldier led this invasion."

Raze stood in utter silence as he mulled over these words one last time, looking at the wide curved grey and red bridge. He finally found his voice.

"Sir! with all do respect I will not, nor will I ever leave even ONE of my soldiers in command of one of those... those... demons, nay, fools in armor!

The Imperial Marshal looked astonished, this was probably the very first time any soldier of a lower rank had directly talked against his orders. He soon shook it off, and smiled, and began to speak once more.

"Captain Raze, this is a directive straight from Lord Pain himself, I have just about as little control over this as you. Now I would highly, highly suggest that you do not have one of these outbursts again, understood?"

"But-"

"AM I CLEAR!?" The Imperial Marshal shouted.

"Yes sir..."

"Good, she should be arriving on you're ship to debrief your soldiers on the invasion, I have specs on all Coalition vehicles to both of you're tac pads, study it, learn it, memorize it, it's what you'll expect to see from these humans on the ground. Good luck"

Raze saluted as the screen went black and was retracted back into the ceiling, revealing through the windows the massive Nafarian fleet, and the lush green and blue planet that the first wave of Aktun class Cruisers were descending upon. He watched as they began to bombard the planet's surface, areas of no importance. Major Marcus looked at Raze for a second, the tall lanky Nafarian was in full standard-issue Nafarian battle armor, set for battle. His pitch black hair was combed back and he looked into Razes face with his deep grey eyes. He spoke up after he decided Raze had cooled off.

"Sir? where do you want me?" He asked.

Raze sighed for a second before replying.

"Go down and prepare the soldiers, I will prepare for our... guest."

"Yes sir!"

Raze continued to watch the Cruiser's begin the initial assault as the PA system announced the 15 minute mark. The dreadnought would be here soon. Raze got up and began to head for the hangar bay, leaving the now quiet bridge behind him.
***
An Albatross class dropship made it's way across the deep black stretch of space between her ship and this "Captain Raze's" ship, inside stood one lone figure clad in deep red armor, she was looking out at the glowing husks of the coalition's ships, marveling at the destruction a Nafarian fleet could cause. She suddenly looked down at her tac pad as it began to vibrate announcing new info, she imedeatly dismissed it once she saw it was simple vehicle specs of these humans.

"They are nothing compared to us" She thought as the Razer class cruiser in the distance began to grow closer.

An escort of wasp class fighters soon pulled up behind the Albatross to escort it in, she began to pull up the debriefing regarding the invasion of the named city she was charged with taking. The inner PA system turned on as the pilots began to announce entry into the Razer.

"Entry in 15 seconds ma'am."

"Understood" The dreadnought replied.

Her last thoughts before she entered were about how the head of this ship, this unit, reacted upon hearing of her taking over his mission. She chuckled to herself imagining his reaction as the Albatross began to pull into the Razer.
***
Captain Raze waited in the Hangar bay as the Albatross began to pull in, it lowered enough for the Dreadnought to step out, she was small, by Nafarian standards, only at 5'9, her straight pitch black hair fell to her shoulders, her pale narrow face held an expression of mild amusement as she stepped out, her deep red pupils stood out against the black and white of her face. Raze was in amazement himself. "Does she think this is a game?" He thought. So far, this Dreadnought was meeting all of the stereotypes he placed on them. She smiled as she walked up to Raze and held out her hand, Raze reluctantly shook it as she said.

"Hello, my name is Kripka, shall we get started?"

An Aktun class passed outside of the hangar bay as she said this, Raze motioned for a few soldiers to bring up a table for the debriefing, she laid her tac pad on the table and began.

End of Chapter 1.

As always leave feedback of any improvements I may need.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:18 AM
Disreguard the old chapter 1, major typo in it.
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kakashi3236 is not online. kakashi3236
Joined: 23 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 503
29 Sep 2012 12:22 AM
Very nice story. Keeping me interested all the way!

~Emperor and Direktor Corey von Toter
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:26 AM
^Thanks.
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Anthonylazaro101 is not online. Anthonylazaro101
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 1182
29 Sep 2012 12:31 AM
I cant wait for chapter five!

«⊱▶✰ Follow me into the dark abyss - Lord Pain ✰◀⊰»
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smellyfireguy is not online. smellyfireguy
Joined: 23 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 26
29 Sep 2012 12:32 AM
Wow very interesting. I also love the character's name's.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:39 AM
VVhich one? There are tvvo, and thanks for the feedback.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:45 AM
Bump.
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Anthonylazaro101 is not online. Anthonylazaro101
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 1182
29 Sep 2012 12:45 AM
I love my parts in there! hehe.

«⊱▶✰ Follow me into the dark abyss - Lord Pain ✰◀⊰»
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 12:53 AM
Heh, Ill give you more of a part in later books, ok?
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 01:17 AM
I got the bumpys.
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matt2703 is not online. matt2703
Joined: 06 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 6969
29 Sep 2012 01:19 AM
Boring and stupid.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 01:22 AM
Because you didnt read Prologue :) the main action comes in chap. 3.
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Tr0llfaice is not online. Tr0llfaice
Joined: 26 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 121
29 Sep 2012 02:08 AM
Gud shtory, keep making more.
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braedena018 is not online. braedena018
Joined: 09 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 114
29 Sep 2012 02:12 AM
Its all good. It's doing exactly what it's supposed to, keep me wondering whats next. My prolouge is in "media res", or starts in the middle of the action, but then backs up to before the event and explains things after the event. I plan to post it Saturday (Today)
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Tr0llfaice is not online. Tr0llfaice
Joined: 26 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 121
29 Sep 2012 02:15 AM
But it still needs tomato paste.
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Tr0llfaice is not online. Tr0llfaice
Joined: 26 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 121
29 Sep 2012 02:34 AM
Liek a lot of Tomato Paste.
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Rockonfreaks is not online. Rockonfreaks
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 4597
29 Sep 2012 06:41 AM
It's good.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 10:57 AM
Thanks.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 11:06 AM
Action starts at ch.3. Ch.2 vvill be released probably on Sunday. Possibly monday.
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 11:27 AM
Bump, needs more feedback.
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halobrute117 is not online. halobrute117
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 315
29 Sep 2012 11:27 AM
Very well detailed.
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Petalbumper is not online. Petalbumper
Joined: 04 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 2046
29 Sep 2012 11:41 AM
Amazing, you really have talent.




<3
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romuluz is online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
29 Sep 2012 01:55 PM
Thanks.
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TntBoy2001 is not online. TntBoy2001
Joined: 09 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 13845
29 Sep 2012 01:57 PM
Beast story.

Keep writing comrade.
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