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Long night in hell (Prologue) Feedback.

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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 08:32 PM
He looked out at his troops in the hangar bay... legions upon legions of soldiers doing last minute checks on their weapons and armor systems before the invasion.This would be the first invasion he himself led, he was nervous, as were a few of his troops based on the expressions on their faces. He was not unfamiliar to war nor battles, he had seen good friends die right beside him and yet... he wanted to be anywhere but onboard this ship... with this fleet. He thought to himself,
"what made this so different from any of the invasions before?"
He sat there and pondered this question as he continued to watch his new batallion of soldiers prepare for battle. He watched the engineers check every tank, every valtrike and every dropship for last minute preperations. He didn't have too long however as a trooper barged through the door of the observation bay and saluted before giving his messege.
"Captain Raze, sir! You are needed on the bridge ASAP!"
"what for?" Raze replied.
"No clue sir, it is urgent."
Raze reluctantly got up from his seat as the PA system sounded an announcement.
"30 minutes before invasion! All squads are to finish preparations and briefings!"
Raze continues to make his way towards the bridge, he paused by one of the ships long windows to admire the destruction their fleet had already wrought, the burning husks of the Coalition's fleet were still slightly glowing, Nafarian scavenger drones were still scanning it for survivors. Inside he felt sorry for their poor souls but quickly dropped this emotion. As he walked he continued to ponder why he was so... nervous about this upcoming invasion, he had never feared death nor letting good friends go... He got used to that. He entered the bridge and heard the last snippets of conversation between the Imperial Marshal on screen and the Major he left in charge of the bridge. Forgot all of that, it was all replaced with the steaming anger he felt after hearing their final words... He now knew why he felt so nervous... and why oddly enough he no longer did.

~End of prologue, chapter One is currently being worked on.
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halobrute117 is not online. halobrute117
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 315
26 Sep 2012 08:38 PM
Amazing.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 08:40 PM
Thanks, this is going to be a very emotional, yet action packed storyline, it vvill really capture the life of the dreadnoughts and a typical Nafarian officer.
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Anthonylazaro101 is not online. Anthonylazaro101
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 1182
26 Sep 2012 08:40 PM
I remember this war it was the first one I fought in but I come in later, heh. Well soon the life of myself will come in and destroy the rest of this group! I was the man to took care of it in the first place and will be the man to end it! This was my first and my last war today!

«⊱▶✰ Follow me into the dark abyss - Lord Pain ✰◀⊰»
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 08:41 PM
Yes, Raze and another main character vvho vvill be introduced by chapter 2 vvill be the main focal points, they are completely fiction based.
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nickle389 is not online. nickle389
Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 456
26 Sep 2012 09:01 PM
Sounds like an interesting story. I can't wait for more.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 09:22 PM
I'll probably have chapter 1 done in a vveek.
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talahasseawesome is not online. talahasseawesome
Joined: 14 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 10466
26 Sep 2012 09:22 PM
It's great. If you think of the typical invasion in movies, it's just like this. They have to be very quick and concise with invasion preparations. I look forward to reading more!
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kakashi3236 is not online. kakashi3236
Joined: 23 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 503
26 Sep 2012 10:12 PM
Very nice
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MasterRipcord is not online. MasterRipcord
Joined: 06 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 155
26 Sep 2012 11:12 PM
Awesome Rom!
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 11:16 PM
Thank you all for the feedback.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
26 Sep 2012 11:18 PM
DANGIT! Forgot character description for Raze, vvill add that in the second or third chapter.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
27 Sep 2012 09:23 AM
Bump.
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coat34 is not online. coat34
Joined: 15 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 710
27 Sep 2012 09:31 AM
damned hell...
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Anthonylazaro101 is not online. Anthonylazaro101
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 1182
27 Sep 2012 12:57 PM
I think I come in the next chapter or later on in the story.

«⊱▶✰ Follow me into the dark abyss - Lord Pain ✰◀⊰»
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braedena018 is not online. braedena018
Joined: 09 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 114
27 Sep 2012 02:04 PM
This is WONDERFUL. I'm Very inpressed at the Storyline, Grammar, Everything. Its a great entry into te story. I plan to make my story in a very similar way. Third person, Tense. Wonderful.
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LadyMoo is not online. LadyMoo
Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 10506
27 Sep 2012 02:05 PM
Is it bad that I reported this? :o
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ShatteredRealites120 is not online. ShatteredRealites120
Joined: 27 May 2010
Total Posts: 9961
27 Sep 2012 02:06 PM
there is no paragraphing so, tl;dr
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kidpool1 is not online. kidpool1
Joined: 07 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 1342
27 Sep 2012 03:22 PM
Nice job romuluz.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
27 Sep 2012 06:46 PM
@Shattered, Ill be sure to add that in the future revised prologue and in the future chapters, just realized my issue there... heh.

@Ladymoo, mods apparently don't count hell as a bad vvord, I've tried to get people I don't like banned for saying it and it never vvorks.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
27 Sep 2012 06:48 PM
@Pain, your referenced to in the next chapter, and a fevv times in chapter 2, you make an appearence in the last fevv chapters and tovvards the middle.
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Tallkittycatlover is not online. Tallkittycatlover
Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 17144
27 Sep 2012 06:50 PM
Wow... this is great. Can't wait for more. c;

ღAshi
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
27 Sep 2012 06:52 PM
^Thanks, this'll be the condensed version, I'll post the full length novel on fan fic or something, chapter one vvill be released on C&G by Sunday probably.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
27 Sep 2012 07:05 PM
Bump..
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Petalbumper is not online. Petalbumper
Joined: 04 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 2046
27 Sep 2012 07:09 PM
Sounds great.




<3
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