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Re: :D :D :D GREAT STORY!

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MaxTheRetriever is not online. MaxTheRetriever
Joined: 15 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 12
03 Feb 2011 01:59 PM
Chapter 1: The Accident: MudClaw is the deputy of a forgotten clan, MudClan. He was returning to the camp from a hunting patrol with LightHeart, a white she cat with some brown tufts of fur, LightningClaw, a black tom with one white paw, and his apprentice Lionpaw, a small tom with golden-brown fur and white paws. It was leafbare so upon walking into the camp with so much prey the group was happily greeted. After putting the prey in the pile MudClaw climbed to the top of the camp at the edge and stared at the stars. He was sitting and watching not aware of Lionpaw sneaking up behind him to tell him something. "Hey MudClaw!" Lionpaw shouted now bursting into a run. MudClaw jumped and when he did he tripped himself and tumbled to the bottom of the camp. Lionpaw ran to get MoonShine, the clan's medicine cat. The leader, FlameStar, also came out. And the three lifted MudClaw to MoonShine's den.

Chapter 2: The Truth: MudClaw woke the next morning, sprawled on the ground in one of the patient beds. MoonShine spotted the deputy awake. "Do you feel better?" the she-cat sounded concerned. MoonShine wasn't just the clan's medicine cat, but the deputy's, mother's sister. She was the last of his family still alive. "I can't feel my leg. Whats wrong with it MoonShine?" He asked, concern concealed well in his voice. "Well, when you fell, you broke your leg the first fall, then it twisted on all the falls after that. I could have fixed it if it hadn't twisted but... Now that its twisted, your leg will never move again, except by being dragged." the she-cat meowed with grief and sadness in her voice. "I'm sorry MudClaw. I'm sorry I couldn't help you." she meowed then walked back into her den. MudClaw got to his paws and walked out of camp, keeping his bad leg in the air.

Chapter 3: In Denial: MudClaw was trying to fight and hunt but got only more furious after each failure. "I am useless! I am completely useless now! I can't hunt! I can't fight! I can't do anything!" he hissed angrily and slashed a tree with his good front paw. Then he walked to the edge of the gorge and stared over it. He crouched ready to pounce. Then RainHead, a blue-grey she-cat, with amber eyes, back paws, and white belly-fur, came and grabbed MudClaw back from the edge. MudClaw was dragged away hissing furiously. "Why are you keeping me from jumping! I'm useless! I'm better off dead!" he spat furiously. RainHead stared at him. "It's because you could find a way. And I could help you." she said calmly.

Chapter 4: Training: Every night after everyone fell asleep MudClaw and RainHead snuck away from camp and trained. They were training harder and harder every night. Using techniqes for fighting that no other cat would be able to do with the same effect. MudClaw had loved the she-cat since being he became a warrior and she became an apprentice. He never had the guts to tell her though. One night, he snuck from camp alone and sat on the branch of a tree staring up at the stars. The wind blowing through his fur. Then, RainHead hopped into the tree branch and sat next to him and stared at the stars. Without looking at him she started to talk. "The stars are beautiful tonight. They aren't blocked by a single cloud." she said. MudClaw finally decided to ask the courage. "I have something to sa-" They both started saying the same thing. "You first." MudClaw said calmly. "Well... For a while now... I have... I have loved you." RainHead said, her amber eyes shining from the starlight. "I have too." MudClaw replied. They ran through the forest happily.

Chapter 5: Happy Ending: Moons had passed. The camp awoken to a painful yowl from the nursery and MudClaw spotted MoonShine and her new apprentice, Hazelpaw, rush to the nursery. FlameStar, and the rest of the camp bounded to see what was happening. MudClaw pushed through the crowd, almost as confused as the rest of his clan. When he got there there was a smell of warm milk in the air and RainHead lay there, three small kits suckling. "What should there names be MudClaw?" she asked tiredly and calmly." He pointed to the small brown tom, similar looking to himself. "He could be Dustkit." He replied. RainHead pointed to a small she-kit similar to her. "She could be Skykit." she replied again. Then MudClaw looked at the she-kit which looked like a mixture of both of them. "And finally, that one should be Starkit." he replied.

Epilogue: Moons passed. And MudClaw, now MudStar after FlameStar's death, pounced to the top of the rock. "Let all those cats old enough to catch there own prey, gather around for a clan meeting. We have three apprentices ready to earn their warrior names. Dustpaw, Skypaw, Starpaw, come up here." He beckoned the kits with his tail. "I look upon my warrior ancestors to look down on these apprentices. They have trained hard under the ways of your noble code and I commend to them warriors in their turn. From this point on the three will be known as DustClaw, SkyHeart, and StarPelt." He touched his nose to each of his kits and dismissed the meeting.
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HelenaGranger is not online. HelenaGranger
Joined: 09 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 17
15 Feb 2011 05:42 PM
This is an outstanding story, Short but good. You really need to put alittle bit of detail. n_n I love it.




-Silverstar, Silverclan's leader n_n
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Fsu2 is not online. Fsu2
Joined: 12 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 421
25 Mar 2011 09:52 PM
You are stupid.
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MaxTheRetriever is not online. MaxTheRetriever
Joined: 15 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 12
28 Mar 2011 01:50 PM
I'm stupid? How?!
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yumia is not online. yumia
Joined: 05 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 7062
28 Mar 2011 01:58 PM
You stuffed too much events into one story, and in turn the events came shorter and less detailed. If you could make a detailed story out of each chapter...

Well, that'd just be really cool.
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lionblaze1212 is not online. lionblaze1212
Joined: 29 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 182
03 May 2011 08:05 PM
1. make it longer
2. more detail
3. use more creative names
4. have interesting ideas
5.dont waste your time making storys cause there not good ......
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lionblaze1212 is not online. lionblaze1212
Joined: 29 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 182
17 May 2011 05:02 PM
hey u warrior cats fans !!! you should join my clan ( group) its called the warrios of darkclan ( and yes thats how i spelts warriors it not a typo yea i know thats a fail XD) hope u can join !!!!
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lionblaze1212 is not online. lionblaze1212
Joined: 29 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 182
26 May 2011 09:47 PM
I like warrior cats but this story makes warrior cats look stupid
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MaxTheRetriever is not online. MaxTheRetriever
Joined: 15 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 12
20 Mar 2012 05:02 PM
So you advertise your story, call mine stupid? Moron.
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Skyfang186 is not online. Skyfang186
Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1084
11 May 2012 06:11 PM
Excellent!
Very interesting events, but it got a little repetitive when you started to say:
"Moons had passed."
You could've wrote:
The moons slithered by, and Skykit, Dustkit, and Starkit grew bigger every day.

Also, you should've described a bit more about MudClan Camp, and the territory around it.
:)
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MagiclyEvilFox is not online. MagiclyEvilFox
Joined: 12 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 236
05 Aug 2012 06:14 PM
This is a nice story! Although, yes, it could use more detail. And I don't really care that its short, you were just writing your own story. You don't need to make it long. And another thing...
No cats should be named star, because if they became leader then they would be named StarStar.
But it is a GREAT story! ;)
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Soulstar427 is not online. Soulstar427
Joined: 01 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 357
14 Aug 2012 05:33 PM
omg, GREAT story! the length, not a big deal to ME! It just maters if its good!
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Soulstar427 is not online. Soulstar427
Joined: 01 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 357
14 Aug 2012 05:33 PM
in opinion, that is.
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Animalluv10 is not online. Animalluv10
Joined: 24 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 5
25 Sep 2012 04:12 PM
i like it. but the chapters should be longer and you tumble all the words in one small space. but i do write so if you need an example i could help you. also it could use a smidge more detail and detail of the camp too.
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