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Re: Evil - A short story.

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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
10 Sep 2012 08:23 PM
You know? I wasn't always a evil. I remember remember the first time I saw her. I was in love. I am one to appreciate beauty, but she was more. Though us together will never be. I thought she'd understand me. I was mistaken. Instead he seen me as a freak... A monster. So I became one.

Know what I realized over the past years? Being evil is easy, not to mention fun. To hear the screams and cries for help was like music to my ears. It helped to keep my mind off of her. My therapy worked well. Its hard to count the many people who has fallen to my sadistic ways.

The blood I shed the more the world fell into my grasp. I brought upon, drought, Famine, and disease. Until there was no one left and I sat on throne over the now barren world. I couldn't help but to think of her. Not to love, but to thank. If it weren't for her rejection I would be here now. King of the world.

That was until these two princesses decided to reign over me. Or to at least try Ha Ha. They used their magic to bring rain. To bring life. They sought to chase me down, hunt me? Maybe so, I was hunting them already though. I underestimated their power though. Being turned to stone is a horrible thing to imagine. The pain... But before I went, the last thing I saw.... was her.

I'll be back though. Just you wait.
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SmartyPants10000 is not online. SmartyPants10000
Joined: 15 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 179
10 Sep 2012 08:37 PM
Good job. You'll be a great author some day.
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chowder00 is not online. chowder00
Joined: 29 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 382
11 Sep 2012 04:11 PM
Loved it. Very nice X3
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
11 Sep 2012 04:40 PM
Thanks, I also noticed some typos :P
I guess that what I get when I don't proofread.
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NilPirate is not online. NilPirate
Joined: 31 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 3077
11 Sep 2012 06:49 PM
One of the things I see a lot in stories on this forum is a lot of compression of plot. You could probably take this and draw it out to a good 10+ paragraphs. The beginning paragraph especially; Who is this "her"? How was their relationship exactly? Them "together will never be" is kinda awkwardly worded, and also really vague. Overall, it's a good start, but you should work on length. Perhaps take each of the individual ideas and devote an entire paragraph to it?
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
11 Sep 2012 08:42 PM
Again, it is a short story, It is not mean't to be 30 paragraphs, This her, it is just a metaphor, You just have to think about the it.
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betteranimationguy is not online. betteranimationguy
Joined: 22 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 412
11 Sep 2012 11:20 PM
just to say, short stories in fact do NOT have to be short. But they do have to be shorter than a chapter book, say...Hunger games kind of book. it could be fifty pages but still considered a short story. :3
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
12 Sep 2012 08:06 PM
Yes, but this isn't technically story if you think about it really. Its actually more of a Free Verse Poem,
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SmartyPants10000 is not online. SmartyPants10000
Joined: 15 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 179
13 Sep 2012 09:27 AM
Just leave him alone. He did a fantastic job.
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NilPirate is not online. NilPirate
Joined: 31 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 3077
13 Sep 2012 05:55 PM
Listen, what I wrote was not a flame. It's constructive criticism. Writing is an incredibly hard profession, and anyone who can write and not curl up and die after reading responses has already earned my admiration. But if you ever want to get better, you have to get feedback from your audience. I can assume by the fact he posted it here that he wants the people of this forum to enjoy it, so we have a responsibility to respond and tell him if we liked it or not and what parts we liked. That's how you get better at pretty much everything; You need someone else to analyze your methods to really see where the flaws are.

tl;dr: The only way to get better is to have people tell you what you did wrong every once in a while.
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
13 Sep 2012 07:59 PM
Yes, I know. I just try to sum things up. Sometime I don't agree with all of my critiques.
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Dreizehn is not online. Dreizehn
Joined: 16 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 2519
14 Sep 2012 01:32 AM
Ending paragraph seemed unfinished, protagonist is flat once again, and GRAMMAR is in need of working on.
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
14 Sep 2012 07:24 AM
@dre

That's alright, I already mentioned my grammar. And remember, the story is written in a way where you don't know who each of the two are. That helps the metaphor or true meaning up the story stand out. You are also reading from the perspective of just one person. You have no idea what his love has to say, or what she thinks. After all you can't read minds. Also I wouldn't even call these a paragraph, I'd call them a Stanza.
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
14 Sep 2012 07:26 AM
and yes I know the ending paragraph is unfinished. That is there as a cliffhanger. I'll be writing the second part.
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
14 Sep 2012 07:32 AM
-Fixed grammar-


You know? I wasn't always evil. I remember the first time I saw her. I was in love. I am one to appreciate beauty, but she was more. Though us together will never be. I thought she'd understand me. I was mistaken. Instead he seen me as a freak... A monster. So I became one.

Know what I realized over the past years? Being evil is easy, not to mention fun. To hear the screams and cries for help was like music to my ears. It helped to keep my mind off of her. My therapy worked well. It’s hard to count the many people who has fallen to my sadistic ways.

The blood I shed the more the world fell into my grasp. I brought upon, drought, Famine, and disease. Until there was no one left and I sat on throne over the now barren world. I couldn't help but to think of her. Not to love, but to thank. If it weren't for her rejection I would be here now, King of the world.

That was until these two princesses decided to reign over me. Or to at least try Ha Ha. They used their magic to bring rain, to bring life. They sought to chase me down, hunt me? Maybe so, I was hunting them already though. I underestimated their power though. Being turned to stone is a horrible thing to imagine. The pain... But before I went the last thing I saw.... was her.

I'll be back. Just you wait.
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Amydamaru is not online. Amydamaru
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Total Posts: 232
14 Sep 2012 11:48 AM
This is constructive criticism so it must be seen as that:

I do not see a beginning to your short story which can be good in some cases when you will show some detail of where you are or how was it before the monster destroyed everything,but in your story I can't really see that.It might sound good,but there is a lot of missing detail which is irrelevant in a short story especially that short.
Besides that,I have to say that you used the emotion of hatred and fear very well trying to combine it with love and trying to make your character evil,very evil but not the absolute evil,giving him the feeling of love deep inside his heart and I believe that you should added to the end of the story something such as "...the stone might be cold and bring only sufferance to my soul,but the princesses could choose other ways to destroy me...maybe my love...my heart made them see something within...or just their insanity and hope..." so that you let the readers hope for even more if a new story comes out.

Well,in general,it is good,but as I said,describe the place as less as possible if it is a short story,but never give out everything,give your characters some features such as visual and emotional images of them (using words,of course) and use details,not too many but enough to give a better image of what happens because when the story ended what I understood was that a monster loved a woman who never loved him for what he was and so he started killing everything until the world was his,but somehow two princesses appeard(where did they come from,what world are you talking about,what feeling did he have when he killed and destroyed etc etc).

Again,it is constructive criticism and it should help you.


-Amydamaru

"Hate me and well,just hate me,I am not really interested in being liked or hated,say your opinion but do not think I will obligatorily listen to it"

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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
14 Sep 2012 03:18 PM
@Amy

Thank you very much, This can may actually help me. Anyways, I'll make sure to add more detail into the second part which I will write, right now.
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FlamezOfDeath987 is not online. FlamezOfDeath987
Joined: 30 May 2011
Total Posts: 611
14 Sep 2012 03:29 PM
That was disturbing and fairly gruesome. In other words, I LOVED IT. And screw proofreading. That's why people pay editors.
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dale111 is not online. dale111
Joined: 01 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 1293
14 Sep 2012 04:53 PM
Part two

Being turned to stone isn't actually that bad after so long. You tend to become accustom to the feeling. It is like a deep sleep, except that your awake...If that makes any sense. You are still conscious.

For the next thousands of years I couldn't help but to think of her. How could she do this to me? On the brighter side though, she didn't kill me. Does this mean something? Or was it just a cold mercy. I also couldn't help to think about the other one. The one that stood by the side of my once true love, she had a much smaller stature, but she had the same beautiful face. Perhaps she was a sibling?

After all a thousand years is a long time. Stone has to eventually crack. Freeing me from my solid prison. The first thing that I shall do? Easy, take back what was rightfully mine of course. Not to mention give this Princess a small visit. Once I was out the world change so much. I was in a peaceful area, only the birds songs to be hear. I was in what appears to be a garden. So this is how I am to be treated? A yard decoration?

Ha, my first victim, The person who thought they could use me to make their little garden "pretty". I haven't seen blood in quite the time, it was reviving.

I used my magic to reach a high altitude and scout the area. That was when I see a large castle in the distance. It looked good enough to house royalty.

-will add more-
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
16 May 2013 12:49 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Construx is not online. Construx
Joined: 19 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 1039
16 May 2013 09:30 AM
Make a plot twist and kill "her" in the end.
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