AbCatchem
|
  |
| Joined: 20 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 31757 |
|
|
| 09 Sep 2012 06:29 PM |
(This is my story entry for round one of CreativeMystery's story contest. Feedback is appreciated.)
The grass was a gray, malnourished hue, reaching as high as my ankles, scratching them up. Hunger ravaged my stomach, and I sighed. A child, a little younger than I tagged behind me, with dark, messy hair, deep emerald eyes, and a cheery expression. "Sister, do you think we're close to it yet?" I forced a smile. "Maybe, Alphonse." I stared at the landscape. Wastelands, vast, dismal wastelands, a few eroding tombstones dotted the melancholy hills, a cluster of people, ragged and weary, most clothed in rags, even through their scrappy clothing, I could make out exact outlines of ribs. The worst part was looking at their expressions. Even the children were sullen. But not Alphonse...my glassy green eyes fell onto the gray, dull horizon. Not a speck of blue in sight, no merriment, just a wasteland, better known as an Oblivion by my own terms.
I heard a distinct yelp from Alphonse and whirled around, seeing he'd collapsed, or tripped on one of the crude little tombstones. He grinned a little, and turned, looking at the text scratched sloppily into the stone. "What's it say?" I leaned forward and read it for him, reluctantly. "Clemence," I managed (I was still practicing how to read), and sighed, a little disturbed. "Clemence is your name, Sister!" Alphonse cried cheerily, and I regarded him seriously. "W...What did I say?" he inquired shakily as we began walking with the group again. "Alphonse, don't you know what those stones are for?" he shook his head. "Those have people's name on them. People who have died. They were put up to honor the deceased." I noticed him trembling a little. "But it was just a coincidence that Clemence and I have the same name!" I added hurriedly.
He didn't relax. "But it's still kinda sad that they are dead now..." he murmured sullenly. "Yes," I began carefully, "But at least their spirits have each other, even if they were once enemies, their ghosts have settled their differences," I encouraged. He nodded distantly. "Sister...do you think the city is real?" I remembered when I was a child, I'd been four when I first heard the rumors of the land, over a decade before Alphonse was even born. Villagers would weave incredible tales of a haven in the center of vast wastelands, people who lived right beside a thriving lake, it was a beautiful image, especially for a child. What they hadn't told us was tales of people wandering the land, never to find the lush haven, of the heartless soldiers who slaughtered hundreds in a pathetic attempt to conquer the wastes, of the hundreds of thousands who died in vain, most of which never to receive their burials. I shivered.
As the hours passed, shadows began to lengthen, enveloping the landscape, I could tell night was near. On the horizon, I could make out a small hoard, silhouetted. They seemed to be moving towards our general direction. 'A trick of the mind, perhaps some spirits wandering the land', I reassured myself as I trudged on, Alphonse at my side. As the minutes passed, I became more and more aware of the crows and ravens circling the landscape. I'd heard that they were brilliant creatures, with longevity, strength, and wisdom. Yet they were cursed to feed off of the flesh of the deceased. Fear began to dwell in my soul, my stomach churned and twisted into a knot, and my breath became shaky. Alphonse looked up at me curiously. "What's wrong...?" he worried, and I shook my head.
Suddenly, an arrow whizzed through the air, slamming into the head of a staggering refugee. He fell onto the ground, eyes wide, life gradually dulling away from them, as blood seeped into the cracked, hard soil. A woman who'd been standing next to him screamed before another arrow silenced her, a barrage of arrows shot forward, taking out a few more refugees. I could now see, about a quarter of a mile away from us was a small group of what looked like warriors, archers, and spear men. Horror overcame me, as I realized this must have been one of the groups, trying to stake out territory in the wastes. Almost immeadiately, one of the stronger men from our group bolted forward and thrust a blunt knife into one of the nearest men. That's when the fighting really began. The groups merged, kicking, biting, shooting, hitting, stabbing, and clubbing each other, I could barely heard Alphonse's whimpers and reached for his hand, grabbing it in time and pulling him forward.
We made our way through the chaotic throng, ignoring the shouts and cries. It was custom that women and children depart first, after all. "Why are they attacking us?" Alphonse whimpered, terrified. I shook my head. "Later!" I hissed, dragging him forward. I heard something hurling through the air behind me and turned swiftly , stepping aside as I saw a knife slice through the air. Unfortunately, Alphonse was...directly behind me. The knife plunged into his chest and he fell onto the ground, coughing up blood. I rushed to him. "Alphonse...? Al...phonse? Wake up...please wake up..." he was silent, I felt at his chest. ...thump... ...thump... ............... I turned shakily, my face was streaked with dirt and blood, and I could feel tears blurring my vision. I stood, stomping forward, and hurled my fist into the face of one of the warriors, knocking him flat over. The next few moments of my life I cannot recall quite so clearly, all I know was that I'd been somewhat...blind, with rage. I grabbed the knife from the fallen warrior, hurling it into his chest, over and over again, then ripped it out, plunging it into various other soldiers. Suddenly, a slow wave of shock overcame me. I staggered, then fell onto my knees. I could feel an arrow , plunged deep into the center of my spine. I coughed and sputtered, my vision blurring and darkening.
What had I done...? How many people did I kill...? Shock formed into misery, I'd never killed anyone before...I'd sunk to their level, hadn't I? Before I could think more about it, all went black...
(Sorry, it's not that good OAO)
|
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| 09 Sep 2012 06:42 PM |
~Thoughts~
I love the action in this story. A good vivid description of the surroundings with some detail of what happened. I'm not too terribly confused and it had an EPIC ending. I think I could detect a sort of moral to the story?
~Overall~
There were only one or two errors here and there but otherwise it was quite good. Another thing, have more confidence!
~Rating~
9 |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| 09 Sep 2012 06:43 PM |
~Thoughts~ Not your best work, and defiantly not one of the better stories. You should stop using Clemence and Alphonse so often (srsly). Detail was plentiful, but it was a tiny bit bland. Little excitement, even for the battle. I found that stuff happened slowly, some fast. Not a great mix, but livable.
~Overall~
Bland. Really, just bland.
~Rating~
4/10
|
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
AbCatchem
|
  |
| Joined: 20 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 31757 |
|
|
| 09 Sep 2012 06:47 PM |
| I'm sorry, I like to use those names for characters, and I know it's fairly bland...sorry... |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| 10 Sep 2012 06:47 PM |
~Thoughts~
A good story, but with how much expectations I have of you I would expect better yet still this is fantastic. I saw a run-on sentence and one spelling mistake, not bad at all. The ending was dark but then again I am a fan of that style in writing, however I do feel as if you slightly rushed near the end to hurry it to an end. Also, I reached a slight confusion near the end because you didn't mention the refugees until then. I was left to piece together that the children were in the group as well. Good work overall though.
~Overall~
Check over for mistakes, I found few. Overall good.
~Rating~
6.9/10
CreativeMystery |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
AbCatchem
|
  |
| Joined: 20 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 31757 |
|
|
| 10 Sep 2012 07:22 PM |
Moral was to control yourself and be forgiving, then the main character may have been able to escape. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed of how it turned out. I did rush it a little, and it lacked detail... |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| 10 Sep 2012 07:36 PM |
Okay, and don't feel bad, it wasn't that bad. Also, everyone has days like that.
CreativeMystery |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|