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| 26 Aug 2012 02:04 PM |
(I hope people will like it. If they do, I'll try to do a chapter a day, maybe more a day, or less. This has some small poetic moments in it, so yeah..)
My hand slowly picked up the rose, twirling it in my palm. The flash of red, so dazzingly brilliant. It would make one smile, in this blank life. Roses, violets, grass... I hold them dearly. They are the only things keeping me sane in this life. My blouse, so black and gray. My hair, grey, my eyes, grey, my very name dull with no excitement. I wish for change, and I wish for hope. I know there is none, in this perfect society. There is he now. Straightening up, and glancing at it, with curious eyes. I could not bring myself to call it by anything but it, a scowled demon. His face, turned with anger. Slowly picking myself up, careful not to tear my blouse again, I slowly take one step, on the road, after another. The building in sight, and I turn in. My house, or should I say the government's house. My hands fiddle with the knob, and I slowly turned the brass cold item, until it opened up enough for me to step in. Closing the door, I briskly walked to the kitchen, grabbing a small apple to wait the time out. There is the speaker now, crackling to life. "Attention, the incident has been resolved. You may exit the buildings and continue to work. Thank you for your time." The little, moronic, voice squawked in its usual dark tone. My anger was slowly rising, but I needed to keep in control.
Or face something worse then death.
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mimalover
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| Joined: 18 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2368 |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:15 PM |
| Thanks. I'm looking for critic advice, on how to make it better. |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:18 PM |
| Can't really say anything until I have an idea of what is going on. |
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mimalover
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| Joined: 18 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2368 |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:20 PM |
I was always bad at taking thoughts in a context. I know what I want to say but I just don‘t know how.
I‘m a really bad critic. : / |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:26 PM |
Music! They had to rid of that too! Music, music... the chimes... the dances... everything! Apparently by their laws, dancing is dangerous. Rebellious even!
I let out a small choked sob, before I slam my hand against the marble surface. Why? Music is nice, fluid.. amazing. Like a rose. Full of hope, beauty, and love. Before I can stop myself, I slowly tap out a rhythm. Mom would hate me if she ever found out, and dad would have me... I don't want to think about that possibility. My brain flickers on and off, the lights glaring at me like a true nightmare. Shadows shift around each corner, and soon I feel like I'm surrounded by the goblins of society. Society, the very ones who killed our hope, dreams, and life. The one who supposedly saved us from death, by killing us on the inside. Nobody else knows! Nobody else cares! If only I could change that, into a world I could love. A world of colors. A world with hope and dreams.
A small raven on the window Outstretched wings Even he wants to leave The five rings Say no, to hope, and dare to cage us all. I could never wish, but I could dream. And together, as a team Our hope is united Under one bond Under one flag Under one dream
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loppolh
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| Joined: 26 Jan 2010 |
| Total Posts: 6164 |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:56 PM |
| But when they say under one flag it means the country is masking crime, it is split open in civil war. |
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Drow509
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| Joined: 16 Aug 2008 |
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| 26 Aug 2012 02:58 PM |
Reminds me of 1984.
Do continue; though as some advice; I really liked the sort of cold and strange enviromental details you were going at in the first section, the inner struggle to keep thoughts contained. I was also intrested in the 'incident' that the voice mentioned. Keep things like these up and I'll be sure to be reading. |
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| 26 Aug 2012 03:00 PM |
Thanks for the compliment Drow, and I will attempt to do that.
Loppolh; Poetic speech. Sometimes meanings are screwed for poetic meaning. |
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loppolh
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| Joined: 26 Jan 2010 |
| Total Posts: 6164 |
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| 26 Aug 2012 03:01 PM |
| I'm a political mind, and this country is screwed. |
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| 26 Aug 2012 03:37 PM |
Final chapter for today
I stiffen up, as the door turns open. My mother walks in, content and happy with her life. "My day was fine, thank you for asking Rachel." She says that in her prissy, happy voice. She doesn't know what happened previously. The pain, the cries, the agony. I only know this, because of that one run in, earlier. The vault of memories. Containing the past, the future, and the present. One walks in, and is filled with memories. They have finally sealed it shut, but when I was six, it all changed...
"Hey, Ash! Wanna go run around the big ball?" My voice sounded so pure at the time, so happy with life. "Sure!" His stubby legs stumbled after my brisk runs. The sphere, approaches in the distance. Ash cries out "Rachel, I dare you to enter the sphere!" I replied quickly with "Its just a sphere." Never the less, I dared to enter it. What I saw... was so horrific. The battle for perfection, the battle for life. Men screaming, rifles blazing. Blood splashing on the ground. Red swirls. Pink swirls. Life ended, just for one cause. Perfection, why? Why? Why? Why?
That is my only question in this life, of blankness. |
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GIGI777
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| Joined: 28 Jul 2011 |
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| 27 Aug 2012 05:25 PM |
My mother rambling on about work brought me back to the present. "So, you gotta exempted from volunt'rin' heyy?" The way she put the sound on heyy it sounded like ehyy. My voice, desperate for control over my recent thoughts, quickly responded with a curt "Yes. Wh'dda happened any'ay." She put down her purse, and unfolded the note book. "S'teems 'ere that the c'ews re'atched the ball 'gin." With a heavy (southern) slurr, it sounded quite amusing. Occasionally I'd imitate her, for fun. A simple rodent, in the game of life. I nodded, my face slowly returning to the stone I was used to. My hand slowly sliding to a circular object, called food. I miss the oranges I dreamed off, but I never truly tasted. "So where's father?" "I.. htear.. tat he was d'lay'd." We show no true emotion, but her face was truly in a frown.
I can take that to mean, he's dead.
Chat:
'So, you gotta exempted from voluntering eh?' 'Yes. Whadda happened anyway?' 'Seems here that the crews re-attched the ball again.' 'I hear that he was delayed.' |
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vamking12
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| Joined: 08 May 2010 |
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| 31 Aug 2012 08:26 PM |
Her eyes slowly downcasted on the counter, and I slowly etched on the counter with my nail. Forever, a small wind whistle. A scratch on the door. A rose etwined on my hair. Everything. He can't be gone! He can't... he can.. I know this society. This society of hell. I softly shake my hair, my eyes barely moving of the rose. The red, wonderful, breezy smell, of a rose. My father's tone, of anger, his laughter soft but not unkind, his eyes... His eyes...
Were blue. My mother's are orange. Maybe if I can convince them... to start seeing colors. If I could transfer memory. But, atlas, I have no hope. A soft bit of air wished by us, not in an unkind way. I softly reached for the satchel. My mother nodded. I took out something, a long cylinder object, a cold object. I.. couldn't do it. Change the life style, change the world. Impossible. My efforts only result in a soft sob. She simply walks up those carpeted stairs, and I can hear a dull thud of her body hitting that quilted bed. |
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| 31 Aug 2012 08:38 PM |
| EVERYBODYS GOING FOOTLOOSE! |
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| 31 Aug 2012 08:39 PM |
BUM BAH, BA DAH DAH! BUM BAH, BA DAH DAH!! |
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