altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 29 Aug 2012 10:15 PM |
What are you doing In my house? ( I'm Leaving you) What, I wasn't good enough for you, Nah, your looking for mister perfect wasn't you, Now were both alone and now what will you do? Nothing, that's what so keep your mouth shut!!!! Stay quite please, I dont want to start something up. I hate being loud but I'm allowed to right, But If i know you then you would take that right from me too, Wouldn't you, Wouldn't you!!!! You would, I know this for a fact, When we were together that whole thing was just an act, And to think we spent all that time together, I want it back. Now I know I did things that hurt us, But you didn't have to complain or fuss, ( I said I'm Leaving) I SAID SHUT UP, I KNOW YOU HEARD ME GIRL, I tried to make you happy, I would've given you the world, Remember when we were at the beach and you made me that ice cream swirl? ( The doors locked, let me out of your lair) Ha, your not going anywhere, Oh, so now your scared, ( This isn't funny..... ) I love you honey, Hold on I want to show you something, looks it a toy dummy, Cute isn't it, it's a bunny, ( HELP, IM INSIDE ) Keep it going, cmon keep on screaming, No ones outside and no ones hearing, It's just me, you, and my broken feelings, I'm gonna give this dummy some meaning, Here catch, Look at its back, Pull the lever and open the latch, ( You cheated on me, it wasn't fun ) Look inside the doll, that's my grandfathers gun, Shoot me, go ahead, press it and run, ( We are through ok..... We're done ) NO, we're done when I say we are, I'm gonna do something that's gonna leave us both scarred, Oh and did I mention I have the keys to your car? ( Please ........ I'm sorry ) Sorry? Sorry for what, I'm the one who messed up, It's all my fault....... Wait, you dropped my grandpas magnum, Don't worry I got it, someone could'e tripped, BANG, Oops, my finger slipped. ( AHHHHH THAT'S MY FOOT, WHY DID YOU SHOOT) Sorry babe, that was my bad, Everything was my bad...... ( CALL A DOCTOR ) Tis but a flesh wound, see, I have a sense of humor, ( YOUR HARD TO GET RID OF ) What, like a tumor? I know me cheating was wrong, But I tried to make it up, i even wrote you a song, I wanted us to last really long, It's funny, my best friend over dosed but left a note almost like he knew, So I guess it's only fair if I did that to you, Here's a pen and some paper, Write all you want but I'm tired of your voice so I'm going to use this stapler, ( mmmhmmhmmmmmmmmhm ) Excuse me, sorry I don't understand, I gave you the pen for a reason now put it in your hand, It's really easy, I'll send it to that other guy, Ya that's right, you cheated too, So there's no need to cry, Good, I think that's enough writing, Now get in the car, let's go for a ride, Dont be afraid now get inside, Your probably wondering where were going too, Well let's see, I could feed you to the lions at the zoo, Or I could take you to the lake that's just across the bridge, This reminds me of goldilocks and the porridge, Looks like you got caught and the bears gonna take you to storage, Oooooo look a drink, Dare me to drive, Wait I don't care what you think, My breath is heavy and is starting to stink, Don't worry, I'll wash up later in our sink, OUR SINK, IT'S MINE, Baby can you help me, It's kinda getting hard to see, ( MMMMMMMHMMHMMHMH ) What's that, I'm gonna drive over the bridge? Oh well, Atleast We'll be together in hell............
CRASH
*Silence*
SPLASH
(MMMHMHMHMHMMMMMMmmmmmhmhmmhmmmmmmm................)
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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ducky870
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| Joined: 28 Jul 2012 |
| Total Posts: 955 |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 29 Aug 2012 10:54 PM |
| What dont you like about it? |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:07 PM |
| Can I get some feedback, comment, rating or something? |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:19 PM |
| dont worry altar they jelly, dont take it emotionally look at that guy that said no. (hes a nub). I liked it mane. Keep that stuff up XD. We need to bring u back. People are starting to think of u like LL cool J now. (forgotten just a sidekick). Advertise more. |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:20 PM |
"they jelly"
no
"(hes a nub)"
no
anyway it's kind of corny and seems a bit more forced then the other lyrics you've written
~f٥гﻉ√ﻉг™~ |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:35 PM |
@Krea Thx dude but in pretty mellow with my music, people can say whatever they want, I use that feedback to my advantage @Eman I kinda felt the same way after reading it over a week later |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:43 PM |
| This is kinda like steve by Eminem *tear* |
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| 29 Aug 2012 11:47 PM |
here I'll be a little more specific to help:
"Remember when we were at the beach and you made me that ice cream swirl?"
seems randomly placed in the song. looks like its only purpose was to rhyme with "world" (which it doesn't exactly, but who cares. not everything needs to be a pure rhyme)
"Hold on I want to show you something, looks it a toy dummy, Cute isn't it, it's a bunny,"
what
"Wait, you dropped my grandpas magnum, Don't worry I got it, someone could'e tripped, BANG, Oops, my finger slipped. ( AHHHHH THAT'S MY FOOT, WHY DID YOU SHOOT) Sorry babe, that was my bad, Everything was my bad...... ( CALL A DOCTOR ) Tis but a flesh wound, see, I have a sense of humor, ( YOUR HARD TO GET RID OF )"
that's sort of unrealistic majorly.
"Write all you want but I'm tired of your voice so I'm going to use this stapler,"
seems out of place
"Don't worry, I'll wash up later in our sink, OUR SINK, IT'S MINE,"
no
anyway yeah also the theme is kind of dark but pretty unrealistic (like how, y'know, the girl in the song didn't really seem to fight back. also didn't complain much about the bullet shot. or the fact she was going to die)
so that's my pennies thrown in a river
~f٥гﻉ√ﻉг™~ |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:14 AM |
| Thx for the feedback. The Dummy part was supposed to be a fake doll which really holds a gun. The beach was supposed to just randomly bring in the idea that they had a nice relationship before things escalated to this. I stapled her mouth shut in case you didnt know. The theme was ment to be dark and the girl, well we will just say shes too stupid to fight back :) |
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Gmoney53
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| Joined: 04 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 31 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:27 AM |
| DAMM HE REMIND ME OF EMINEM Keep doingg what ur doing altar dont let anyone put yuh down i RAT E IT A 9.8/10 |
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link6249
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| Joined: 06 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2671 |
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link6249
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| Joined: 06 Jan 2011 |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:48 AM |
@gmoney, thx dude :D @link, what don't you like about it? |
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link6249
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| Joined: 06 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2671 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:49 AM |
| The phychiatrist opens at Noon, Just saying... |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:50 AM |
| You dont like it cause it's weird, crazy, depressing, I need some feedback If I want to get better |
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link6249
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| Joined: 06 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2671 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:53 AM |
| Start by not posting them on the forums... At least not on MF... |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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link6249
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| Joined: 06 Jan 2011 |
| Total Posts: 2671 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 12:57 AM |
A. Some person that can ACTUALLY make a song a hit could steal the song.
B. Frankly MF Hates Ro-Rappers. |
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altar30
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| Joined: 26 Nov 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1925 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 01:04 AM |
| So besides the fact that you don't like Ro-Rappers, how did you like the song as a whole |
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| 30 Aug 2012 07:03 AM |
| Keep It Up Radical It Was Good Reminds Me Of Eminem And I Know How That Feels Except I Didnt Shoot Her Or Staple Her Mouth Shut |
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racsmnoz
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| Joined: 12 Oct 2010 |
| Total Posts: 1282 |
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| 30 Aug 2012 08:25 AM |
The old altar in there somewhere. Bring him back.
Did remind me of eminem :) |
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