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Re: On The Run [Working Title]/epic story

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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
28 Apr 2012 05:10 PM
Hello all,
I'd like to receive feedback for the start of my story, which is below.
Please note that the copyright belongs to me. Please respect that.



The sirens pierced the otherwise silent night. Usually they would reassure me; after all, I’m usually the one using them. Tonight they only serve to distress me. If I’m caught, I won’t be arrested. I’ll be killed.

I work for the CIA. Well, I did until tonight. I was responsible for making sure highly classified documents were delivered safely to their intended recipients. Now I’m being accused of delivering those documents to people who shouldn’t even know about them. There’s only one problem: I’m innocent.

‘Are you going to pay for that?’ asked the barista.

‘Yeah, sorry,’ I replied, fumbling with my cash. The sirens had totally distracted me from paying for the poor excuse of a cappuccino that I held in my hand. While I’m waiting for my change, I glanced around the near-empty coffee-house, looking for CCTV cameras or suspicious customers. The only thing of interest I can see is a TV channel set to news. Satisfied, I sit down in a corner to gather my thoughts.

Sleeping rough shouldn’t be a problem; I’ve had to do it plenty of times before. My main worry is remaining undetected. Unfortunately for me, that’s harder than it would seem. No sooner have I thought the word “undetected,” the news channel has started talking about “A rogue CIA agent who is armed, dangerous and willing to kill.” That’ll be me then, I note dryly. Thankfully they’re awaiting a picture, which will be released during the press conference in half an hour. I better leave soon.

Suddenly there’s a draft so I zip up my coat, and I reassuringly feel the one item that is most likely to keep me alive. Some only see it as a tool only for destruction. Others believe that, in the right hands, it is a force for good. I just regard the SIG Sauer in my pocket as hope. I look up and realise I’m going to need hope and a hell of a lot of luck, too, as two FBI agents walk into the coffee shop.



If you'd like to PM me your feedback, that's fine too.
Regards,
Jackisback
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NilPirate is not online. NilPirate
Joined: 31 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 3077
28 Apr 2012 06:13 PM
Interesting and well made. Looking forward to more.
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
28 Apr 2012 06:27 PM
Thanks, Nil. I'll try to write some more tommorow.
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happyarchie11 is not online. happyarchie11
Joined: 09 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 24
28 Apr 2012 08:51 PM
hurry up and write more and tell us down at the bookwriters group when its done too
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
29 Apr 2012 04:08 AM
I'll try my best, happy.
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lolypopcherrydrop is not online. lolypopcherrydrop
Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 634
29 Apr 2012 09:28 AM
This is impressive. Vivid words, backstory, length, this is just amazing. And you have a good title. I can never come up with good titles.
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LizardGirl9 is not online. LizardGirl9
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3138
29 Apr 2012 09:46 AM
I like that you didn't use kiddy words.... :) and plus it was pro overall!
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
29 Apr 2012 09:57 AM
Thank you everyone for your very kind words.
Hopefully I'll have another segment for you later today.
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
29 Apr 2012 11:26 AM
I try to not draw attention to myself. I pick up the newspaper, but my hands shake. I try to drink my cappuccino, but I end up spilling it. In trying to not act suspiciously, I’ve apparently singled myself out; they start to walk towards me and I have to make a decision: do I draw my weapon and shoot, or do I hope that they haven’t recognised me?

I look at their faces and decide on the latter. I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I’d killed two people who, by rights, should be my colleagues. To my alarm they hold my gaze, continue on their route and then sit at my table.

I look towards my coat, but I know I wouldn’t be able to draw it in time. As if they know what I’m thinking, one agent adjusts himself in his chair, allowing his holstered gun to be visible. The other just shakes his head. The motion is so discrete that I barely catch it; it means that neither of them wants trouble. At least not yet, anyway. The situation is so awkward, so unexpected, I sit in silence.

‘John, we need to talk.’ Evidently they do recognise me.

The voice belongs to the agent who shook his head. His voice is calm, his face strangely reassuring. It looks somewhat familiar, too. I take my cappuccino and sip it. I might-as-well act relaxed, even if I’m anything but.

‘Listen.’ He glances around to make sure no one else is looking before continuing. ‘Every agent’s been told to arrest you, but we know you. We know you wouldn’t do this. We’re trying our best to find out who’s set you up, but we need you to lie low for a while.’

The last sentence makes me remember where I know them from. Conversations, locations and information flood my mind. About two years ago, they escorted me on an extremely important mission. Erik and John saved my life, and now they’re offering to do it again.

‘Sorry, I didn’t recognise you at first.’ I reply, elated.

‘We doubted you would.’ Just like two years ago, Erik is the talkative one. ‘Anyway, we just wanted to give you these.’ He hands me a folio entitled “John Brown” and a mobile phone, and then they both stand up and leave the coffee shop.

Now I’ve got a fighting chance.
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DarkStrike3 is not online. DarkStrike3
Joined: 03 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1263
29 Apr 2012 12:33 PM
Very good story jack.
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
29 Apr 2012 12:41 PM
Thank you Dark. :D
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
30 Apr 2012 12:21 PM
Thanks to those who've PMed me feedback.
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Olympus23 is not online. Olympus23
Joined: 27 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 2682
30 Apr 2012 03:08 PM
This is a great story, write another chapter soon.
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
01 May 2012 11:17 AM
Thanks Olympus. I'll try to get some more done soon.
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Bloodrushsindrome is not online. Bloodrushsindrome
Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 7231
01 May 2012 02:43 PM
Me gusta.
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
02 May 2012 01:53 PM
Thanks, I think. :P
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DarkStrike3 is not online. DarkStrike3
Joined: 03 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1263
02 May 2012 03:35 PM
xD
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LizardGirl9 is not online. LizardGirl9
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3138
02 May 2012 05:24 PM
EPIC STORY!
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
04 May 2012 01:54 AM
Thanks Lizard, I'm glad you like it.
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LizardGirl9 is not online. LizardGirl9
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3138
04 May 2012 01:55 PM
Though, why don't you use " instead of '? " says they are saying something....
Example: "Jack did you have a piece of paper I can have?" Quoatation marks..
Unless you are reapeating something like say a Qwote such as 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' That is a qwote. Btw I know I spelled some things wrong, i' just curious why you don't use Qwotation marks.
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DarkStrike3 is not online. DarkStrike3
Joined: 03 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1263
04 May 2012 01:59 PM
" Is for talking
I think jack forgot to do Shift>'
He just pushed '
So he didn't get " he got '
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
04 May 2012 02:01 PM
That's a good question. In reality, it simply depends on where you live.
In the United Kingdom, single quotation marks (') are preferred to double quotation marks ("). There's no real difference between them when using them for speech and quotations.
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pup321 is not online. pup321
Joined: 31 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 439
04 May 2012 03:33 PM
One word. More! If I was a wolf, the fur on my back would be prickling up by now. It shocked me when the FBI agents stepped inside the coffee shop and recognized the guy... I thought they were going to kill him. I was prickling with sweat until I finally realized that they were his friends. Then I sighed in relief and kept reading. And now I've reached the point to begging for more chapters. Keep it up!
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jackisback12321 is not online. jackisback12321
Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 1536
04 May 2012 03:44 PM
Thank you very much, PUP. =D
It's really great to hear that you liked it so much; that's one of the awesome things about writing. Thanks for an amazing reply.
I'll try to get another segment up soon.
I loved the wolf analogy, by the way.
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kingdestroyah is not online. kingdestroyah
Joined: 30 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 11582
04 May 2012 04:23 PM
It's good.
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