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Re: Sample from a story I'm working on

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LeslieVernon is not online. LeslieVernon
Joined: 15 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 10800
18 Aug 2012 02:00 AM
I wanted to write a story about a town similar to the ones you see in Stephen King's novels, like Castle Rock, Derry, Haven, Jerusalem's Lot, etc.

So here's a sample of it:



Creed (Unofficial Title)

Epilogue

Hank Stephenson was a man who enjoyed the quiet side of life. Never did he enjoy the noise of a highly populated area. That’s why he was glad he inherited his grandmother’s house. The man reading the will was confused to notice Hank’s mixed expression of sadness over a family member’s death and the happiness of inheriting her house.

“Thank you, sir. My grandmother would have appreciated what you’re doing.” The man nodded, and then Hank was off to pack for the move. He lived in a small apartment, so it didn’t take much time to pack up what little possessions he had. After he had loaded them up into a moving truck, he got into the front seat and began to check his map. “It’ll just take four hours. Let’s get it over with.” The aged truck started with a blare of loud noise and a hideous puff of smoke and exhaust.

The truck traveled through rotted and overused highways, up through grassy canyons and hills, and down through the sand-covered landscape of a long forgotten Indian land. About two hours from his destination, he pulled over to a gas station. He got out his wallet, put his credit card number into the gas pump, mumbled something about Big Brother, and began to pour gas into the tank. “Damn gas company makes the prices go up every chance they get.” Now with a full tank of gas, he went back into the truck and onto the road.

“Oh Creed, how I can’t wait to see you.” Time was beginning to pass, and the spreading of dusk began to overhead the highways. “And I hope it’s soon.” He turned on the headlights, and saw a sign that said Creed was only eight miles away. “Good, about fifteen minutes, and I can get into Gramma’s old house.” He finally made it to the town limits, and pulled into a town from which he could have never expected to see. All the lights were dead. Not a single person out. “The Hell is wrong with these people?” He continued to drive out towards his newly inherited house. “Looks like there ain’t a bus system around here. ‘Guess I’ll have to buy a new car, too.” He pulled into the driveway and decided to move the items out into the house in the morning. “I still have the truck for another three days, no biggie.” He walked on into the house, and to his surprise, a few pieces of furniture were still left. “Yes!” He jumped onto the couch with a nice quiet squish of the springs, and nodded off into a deep sleep.
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jewelycat is not online. jewelycat
Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 17345
18 Aug 2012 02:10 AM
You need a little work with quotations...
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LeslieVernon is not online. LeslieVernon
Joined: 15 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 10800
18 Aug 2012 02:13 AM
Yeah, that's probably my main problem with grammar. What exactly is wrong with 'em? =x



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jewelycat is not online. jewelycat
Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 17345
18 Aug 2012 02:19 AM
Well every new speaker needs to be a different line, Ex:

"What a beautiful day," said Tom.
"I agree," Phil said in reply.


And also you need to say who's speaking them, before, after, or in between the quote.

"Yes, of course." said Brian. or
Brian said "Yes, of course." or
"Yes," Brian said, "of course."
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LeslieVernon is not online. LeslieVernon
Joined: 15 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 10800
18 Aug 2012 02:28 AM
Hank was the only person using dialogue, though. =x



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betteranimationguy is not online. betteranimationguy
Joined: 22 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 412
18 Aug 2012 03:43 AM
Could've told us that....
pay a bit more attention is english classes and no worries! :D
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