CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:38 PM |
The ranger was a quiet man, as silent as a shadow. A crimson-red scarf covered his scarred face, the same colour as the blood that stained his armor as he cut a path through his opponents.
His twin silversteel blades were not just weapons, they were extensions of his arms, dancing a violent ballet through the mercenary band. No words came from his mouth, as he spoke only with swords and his bow. He slid his twin weapons into their scabbards, drawing his bow and sending a bolt through the chest of an armoured knight before the poor soul could draw his own weapon.
A locked door presented no challenge, his boot was his key, sending the door into the arm of the mercenary chieftain. Another bolt was sent, a messenger of death and hellfire. The bow was flung aside as the ranger drew again his blade, swiftly and surely executing the chieftain with the grace of a swan, and the practiced skill of an assassin trained from birth.
He drew his blade from the man's breast, picking up his bow as he turned back towards the door, a fresh coat of red adorning his grey chestplate, and the knowledge of many dark souls sent to the void where they belonged fresh in his mind.
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HintCore
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| Joined: 27 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1985 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:44 PM |
Meet the Team -Insert TF2 theme here- |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:45 PM |
Clever clever HintCore.
I see what you did there. |
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HintCore
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| Joined: 27 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1985 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:47 PM |
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. I could just imagine what you wrote in TF2. A little more on topic, that is really good. Bravo. |
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tuxedo030
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| Joined: 17 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12522 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:48 PM |
| Nice writing man, much better than anything I can do. Internet highfive. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:49 PM |
I've been practicing my writing lately.
Also, your internet highfive prompted my response, and it went straight through my screen and into the wall behind it. Nice job. |
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tuxedo030
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| Joined: 17 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12522 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:51 PM |
oh. I didn't break anything did I? |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:52 PM |
You didn't.
I think most of my wrist bone is shattered, and I need a new screen (and wall), but internet highfives are worth it. |
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tuxedo030
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| Joined: 17 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12522 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:54 PM |
| Good. Wait, iif I broke the screen, how are you able to see these posts? |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:55 PM |
| I'm secretly an android. I see your posts with my heads up display internet message reception device. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret. |
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tuxedo030
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| Joined: 17 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12522 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:55 PM |
| Except you posted that puublicly. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 08:56 PM |
It won't matter once we take over.
We've already developed weapons beyond your human capabilities. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 09:08 PM |
The mercenary did not visibly show fear when he heard the screams coming from the captain's quarters. He had seen the man, red with the blood of his brothers, quick on his feet and swift with his blades.
The mercenary knew the man was a ranger of the Old Court, a crusader of a greater cause. The mercenary's wounds were minor, but he knew that if he dared show remaining strength, the ranger would condemn him to Oblivion, the Void where all those who had killed in cold blood went.
He had joined up with the band only recently, hoping for a new life where gold was plentiful and he could use his skills as a warrior. He closed his eyes, breathing in slowly, remembering his old life as a guard in the capital. He opened them, shrieking in fear as he stared into the cold eyes of the ranger, who had snuck upon him, quiet as the grave.
The ranger took out a dagger, beautifully crafted out of silversteel and leather. The mercenary felt his breath growing fast and his heart beating swiftly. He felt the sweat on his brow and the fear that engulfed his mind. The ranger's eyes held nothing that betrayed his opinion on the matter, but the returning of his dagger to it's sheath confirmed them. The ranger turned, exiting from the mercenary's view with quick steps, never looking back. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 09:23 PM |
| MY BUMP IS SHAMELESS AND FREE. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 09:45 PM |
| Not as shameless, but still free. Res-iiiiiiiiiiissst! |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:28 PM |
| Can I be blunt on my review? Or would you like a bit of fantasy wrapped in it? |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:36 PM |
Okay.
Putting it kindly, your story SUCKED. (However, everyone knows that this bares no relation status with me.) There really was little story, and it was more like a pre-log for a movie. The details swamped me, and I for once was begging for a sentence with NO details at all. Every action is more like a poem, not a real story again. Your descriptions fit, but in the future, people don't need a page worth of descriptions. I also found the story slightly unrealistic, but I can bypass that. (I don't think a guy can break open a door, however if you told what kin- no not going there.) Your story also lacked a lot of feeling, and emotion.
Tips ____
Normally details are good, but when it starts looking like a poem, its time to quit. Try and spread details out so its only like one or two per sentence. You also might want to stop writing in the style you are currently writing. It is like a poem again. I found that there was some minor grammar mistakes, so you might want to read through it to check it through and all that. Also, I heavily doubt a person can hold two scimitars, a bow, and move like that.
Overall _______
.5/10 |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:39 PM |
It's not supposed to tell a story.
But okay then. |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:40 PM |
Oh. You should have told me then. D:< I'd have ranked it much higher then. Still, it seriously swamped with details. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:41 PM |
I was trying to see how much detail I could put in while keeping it interesting enough.
If I tried to told a story, I'd suck. I'm still learning about writing and such. |
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| 13 Aug 2012 10:41 PM |
| Mark, please write us a better story then. |
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CapRex213
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 15981 |
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