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Re: Revenge of the Brony Master

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IamEpic1234567 is not online. IamEpic1234567
Joined: 07 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 11871
20 Jul 2012 03:39 PM
This was requested by bob8644 so don't be hating on me. I do requests

------------------------------------PROLOGUE------------------------------------------

A long time into the future, in a land not so far away, there were ponies. It was called Ponyland. And the humans who inhabited it were called bronies. It was peaceful. There were cupcakes every day. And the occasional invasion of brony haters, which were beaten back easily.

But one day, that all changed...
In another land not so far away, there was a purple dinosaur, who some people called Barney. People there lived in fear and misery. He held them as slaves, and forced them to do his bidding. He tortured them. He despised happiness. So when he heard about Ponyland, he got very angry.

"Ponyland has happiness in it?! That'll soon change!"Shouted Barney the dinosaur. "Ready up the slaves! It is time to invade Ponyland!"

So the slaves marched barney on their backs to Ponyland. The Ponys tried everything they could to keep them back. Rainbows, cupcakes, parties, all sorts of stuff. But it didn't work. The slaves and Barney had no idea what happiness really was so they were immune to it.

"Mwahahahahahahaha! I have taken over Ponyland!" screamed Barney " Now the whole world will fear me! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The Ponys were killed, rather brutally and slowly, and the Bronys were forced to watch. Then Barney led them into a steel cage with only one toilet. He made the Bronys do his evil bidding. He tortured them, murdered some, starved others into submission, and even....its too horrible to describe

One day a brave young slave had enough of this. He shouted out to the guards(who incidentally were slaves):
"I want to talk to Barney! I have an offer to make him"

The slaves were more than willing to let him, as they hated Barney, but were under his influence, otherwise they would let all the slave escape.

The brave young slave was led to Barney. He suddenly broke free of his guards(who didn't resist)and ran off into the sunset.

This Brony's name was Bob.

And he was destined to save Ponyland....

-----------------------------------PROLOGUE-------------------------------------------


So, you likey or not?


Chapter one will be coming up on Monday. And das a promise
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
20 Jul 2012 04:59 PM
LOVE it.
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
20 Jul 2012 05:01 PM
So, will you do a story of me saving sonic ( again ) while you wait?

You probably have other things to tackle.
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
20 Jul 2012 05:18 PM
So, what story will you make next? Here are some suggestions:

> Me saving sonic after being kidnapped.
> Me solving puzzles to find the person who stole the golden cookie.
> Me getting sucked into a video game.
> Me competing in a mortal kombat tournament with cyrax.
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IamEpic1234567 is not online. IamEpic1234567
Joined: 07 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 11871
20 Jul 2012 06:00 PM
I'm not doin any of dem, but I will do something, and it is a surprise so dun ask
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IamEpic1234567 is not online. IamEpic1234567
Joined: 07 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 11871
23 Jul 2012 10:57 PM
--------------------------------------Chapter 1--------------------------------------------

Barney literally exploded with rage when he heard about the slave's escape


"WHY THE CUSS CUSS DIDN'T YOU CUSS CUSS CUSS TRY TO CUSS CAPTURE THAT CUSS SLAVE?!"Screamed Barney, putting himself back together. "GO TO THE HAYMAKER! AND PUT ME BACK TOGETHER"


Meanwhile Bob has crossed the border to the country of Wehatebarney. He was weak from running all the way across the border, and soon collasped out of exhaustion.


Bob woke up suddenly. He wondered what brought him back to reality so suddenly, when all of a sudden there was a loud cry, and spears landed right next to him!


He got up immediately, but no use. Natives were surrounding him. One stepped foward and examined him.

"Noogie Boogie Ooga Poola!" the native cried. The rest of the natives cheered and picked up Bob. He remained still until they arrived at a native camp. He was put over a large fire, and tied to a pole. Very slowly the flames creeped up at him.

"So this is it", Bob thought. "I'm finally gonna die. After all those Hater invasions....this is humiliating..."


Suddenly, gunshots rang out! The natives around him screamed and threw spears at the noise. Soldiers charged in and took over the native camp. They didn't notice Bob, though, until he screamed for help. A soldier ran over and pulled him away from the fire.

"Thank you, thank you....erm....who are you?"Asked Bob

"Biff", Replied Biff. "I can tell from your posture that you are from Ponyland. What brings you to Wehatebarney?"

"Barney invaded Ponlyland", said Bob

"Barney? Barney the Purple Dinosaur?"asked Biff

"Yes"

Biff swore loudly, causing the remaining natives to look at him funny.

"Well, no use hanging around here. Let's get you to the capitol", said Biff


Soon they were standing in front of Anti-Barney, the capitol of Wehatebarney...

--------------------------------------Chapter 1--------------------------------------------
Sorry it came so late, I was busy all day. But as promised, here it is :)

Chapter 2 cooming up on Friday!
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 06:53 PM
YAY JUST IN TIME
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sly475 is not online. sly475
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2795
27 Jul 2012 07:06 PM
You could have done research, for starters.

'Ponyland' is 'Equestria'.

You completely left out the Elements of Harmony. Where's Celestia? How about Luna?

You need to know what you're writing about before you write it,

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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:16 PM
""WHY THE CUSS CUSS DIDN'T YOU CUSS CUSS CUSS TRY TO CUSS CAPTURE THAT CUSS SLAVE?!""

Just when I thought this story was gonna be half decent....
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 07:18 PM
Where's chapter 2?

How many chapters will this story have?

What is your new youtube channel called?
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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:22 PM
Btw everything goes WAY too fast in this story. There's no exaggerating dramatic moments, making it an overly fast-paced story and has close to no mood at all. And according to sly, you didn't even do research. You need some serious work.
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 07:23 PM
Neighborly, SHUTUP.


It doesn't matter if it doesn't fit in.

It's all made up.
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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:29 PM
Doesn't matter. If it's made up from something that exists in real life (no, not literally exists, you get my meaning) then it should be accurately flowing along with the storyline. That's like saying you can make a story in the land of Hyrule and not including the triforce.
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sly475 is not online. sly475
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2795
27 Jul 2012 07:29 PM
@Bob

>Neighborly, SHUTUP.


That was a pathetic comment, I really hope you are not trying to start flame wars

>It doesn't matter if it doesn't fit in.

It's all made up.

You fail to understand what we're saying. Basically, it had potential. It fell flat.

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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 07:32 PM
OK, so when's part 2?
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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:34 PM
"That was a pathetic comment, I really hope you are not trying to start flame wars"

...Where to start?

You do not know the meaning of flame wars. A flame war is when people insult each other on and on inside of a thread, having little to do with the actual topic of the thread. If you really think that giving my opinion will cause a flame war, you must think that everyone gets mad way too easily.

Also, how was it a pathetic comment? You agree with me so it couldn't have been that bad. Surely you must admit that this story went WAY too fast, as he obviously took no time into exaggerating key events and moments that may play into later inside the story.
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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 07:36 PM
Wow, that sounds like something I would say.
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sly475 is not online. sly475
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2795
27 Jul 2012 07:37 PM
Bro.

Friendly fire, there. He said that to you.

Neighborly, SHUTUP, due to the coma it was an intentional bashing towards you.

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bob8644 is not online. bob8644
Joined: 04 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 16378
27 Jul 2012 07:39 PM
I didn't say flame war. you did.
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IamEpic1234567 is not online. IamEpic1234567
Joined: 07 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 11871
27 Jul 2012 07:41 PM
Well, for one, I was making it all up. This isn't a story COMPLETELY about that. It also has different story things in it(Barney the Dinosaur for example). So don't go hatin on me.


And two, It's chapter 1, you really expect dramatic moments about every paragraph?

And three, if you don't like it, don't post

And fourth, so none of these events that happened will really play out into the story later. They will come however


Also bob, my channel is ThePdiddy4


But I also thank you for your criticism. You saved the later parts of the story

Chapter 2 is gonna be delayed. Sorry :(
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sly475 is not online. sly475
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2795
27 Jul 2012 07:41 PM
I never said you said flame? I said you said "Neighborly, Shutup"


Never mind. It's not worth it. I'm going to wait for OP to respond.
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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:42 PM
Your comment structures just make no sense. I literally have to read them at least 10 times just to figure out what on earth you're saying. And you say that when I use "..."s are annoying. O_o
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IamEpic1234567 is not online. IamEpic1234567
Joined: 07 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 11871
27 Jul 2012 07:43 PM
Oh and that cuss thing


It was added just for the sake of humor and character. Remember that Barney is an evil overlord with a bad temper who expects everything to go his way. He would of course go "WHY THE CUSS CUSS CUSS" if a slave escaped
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NeighborlySHUTUP is not online. NeighborlySHUTUP
Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 3898
27 Jul 2012 07:44 PM
"And two, It's chapter 1, you really expect dramatic moments about every paragraph?"

Dude, you put essentially the entire plot in a couple of paragraphs in a very brief form. I think it really needs exaggeration.
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sly475 is not online. sly475
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2795
27 Jul 2012 07:44 PM
>And two, It's chapter 1, you really expect dramatic moments about every paragraph?

And three, if you don't like it, don't post

And fourth, so none of these events that happened will really play out into the story later. They will come however


2.When there can be dramatic moments, yes.
3.Um, that's not how it works.
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