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Re: Contest Entry (Round One)

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tobin2006 is not online. tobin2006
Joined: 15 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 883
22 Jul 2012 06:14 PM
Office Revenge
“What do you mean I’m fired? I’m the Vice President, you can’t do this to me! ” I yelled, outraged, in what my boss just told me.

“I can if you haven’t been doing your job, very well.” Mr. Jake said. “Your help to progress this company has not been big enough.”

“I’ve save this company from thieves. They were stealing are diamonds, every week!” I yelled.

“But did the robberies stop, did we get our stolen diamonds back Mr. Shield?” He asked, his tone growing. “Your things better be packed when I get back”

Mr. Jake stormed out, slamming the door on his way out. I grabbed a box, packed my things. I walked to the sectary’s desk, and asked for my paycheck. She put the check in the box, and went back to work. I went down the elevator to the basement and drove home.

After a week I heard they already replaced me, with a Mr. Kyle. They kept on losing diamonds, and they have not caught any thieves. Though they keep losing diamonds they rose in money because they have insurance on all of their merchandise.

Another week has past, and I had a box with an envelope taped to it. I took out the paper to find, insurance dates on the diamonds, which was the day before the first set was stolen. They showed the inventory stalk got higher after I left, with no shipping place, and schematics of the vault and rooms around it. In the box was ropes, a camera, lock picking set, a phone, hacking device, and a letter. The letter said:

“Mr. Shield I have given you the items to make sure that Mr. Jake will go to jail. Now your revenge is just an extra for you. In the vault are the diamonds said to be missing, if you can show the police the diamonds you can bring Mr. Jake to justice.”

I know what I must do, I must get my revenge.

End of Part One
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MrGiraffe1 is not online. MrGiraffe1
Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 23833
22 Jul 2012 06:58 PM
Hi!

So first, of course, be sure to check your grammar! ‘I’ve save this company…’ should be ‘I’ve saved this company…’
Also, the commas! When you do a read aloud check do pauses when a comma appears as they signal a break in the sentence. They seemed to have been placed randomly here.

Another thing, I think this plot is boring, mainly because the conflict is so poorly executed. Why do they want Mr. Jake to go to jail? What does this company even do, keep diamonds or do they just own them? How did Mr. Jake get the box? Why is he called Mr. Jake, is Jake his last name? Also, please be more descriptive in your writing. Show the readers emotions, show them what the world looks like and show them what you see.

Overall
0.5/10
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wwhat101 is not online. wwhat101
Joined: 26 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 32
27 Jul 2012 09:49 PM
wow Giraffffeeeee
getting meeeaaaaaaaaaannnnn are we?
>:]
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Morgan101XD is not online. Morgan101XD
Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 31
28 Jul 2012 01:56 AM
IKR?!?!
on every story he has "commemted" on, he makes some smart, insulting comeback

But i still dont think the forums is the best place to introduce your new story.
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MrGiraffe1 is not online. MrGiraffe1
Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 23833
28 Jul 2012 07:57 AM
…I do?

I mean, I’m a judge. I don’t think every story is perfect, sorry about that. Would you care to inform me on my insults? I am almost certain what you think are ‘comebacks’ are actually me being extremely blunt towards giving advice.

This is a competition buddy, I’m not even the Simon Cowell. Wwhat gives tougher advice than I do, her comment was sarcastic. I’m not going to say his entry is sprinkles and sunshine.
Also, I’m a woman.

:|
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