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Re: New Civilization: Chapter One

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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
27 Jul 2012 03:24 PM
New Civilizations: Chapter One

Hello, I am Brian, the Captain of the first Venizian long voyage star vessel called The Centurion. Our mission is to go through space to find new galaxies , new civilizations to meet and new lands to conquer. Our first planet we will go to has very little vegetation. We do not know if anyone lives there or if it's just a life less planet. " We are coming into the planet's orbit" said Jay Bay, a man who monitors the dense space for any unusual or ordinary occurrences. "Once we land on the surface, There will be 5 men with me. They will be equipped with G2A2. While I equip myself with a Demolisher. Everyone else in this ship must at least have a pistol. Do I make myself clear?" said Captain Brian. "Yes, Sir" said the men and women.


Soon they reached the planets surface and they were struck with awe. The planet did not have any vegetation as they found on there sensors but it was filled with technology. The people that lived there made a great empire of great technological feats, such as cybernetics, a nutritional serum that gives you enough energy on the day and many different kinds of weapons. Brian soon took out his language translator and started speaking to one of the civilians. The man told Brian, That they called the planet Katon. There was only one war in there great civilization which never really had begun because there leader was killed for some reason that is not known. They also said they controlled many other planets as well. One was called Talkon, a planet filled with vegetation unlike there home world. " Why does everyone wear those black and blue suits?" said Brian through his translator. " These "black and blue suits" is to extend our life. It is a way for more energy to be transmitted to our bodies to make us live for hundreds of years." said the man. Brian was stunned by this revelation. He asked if he could have one of the suits for observation. The man told him he must speak with the Grand Admiral for such a extraordinary technology. So they were off to see him. What will happen next?
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jhonny1202 is not online. jhonny1202
Joined: 21 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 1229
27 Jul 2012 07:24 PM
That was great! :D
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
27 Jul 2012 07:46 PM
Thanks, the civilization is based on my group. The Venizian are FEAR of course.
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Steelix1 is not online. Steelix1
Joined: 08 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 7023
27 Jul 2012 07:59 PM
Do more xD!
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bobpi is not online. bobpi
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 2021
27 Jul 2012 08:07 PM
Brain saw the admiral.
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Energybomb90 is not online. Energybomb90
Joined: 05 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 58
27 Jul 2012 09:39 PM
Can I be in it? :3
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bobpi is not online. bobpi
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 2021
27 Jul 2012 09:39 PM
Me too!
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Energybomb90 is not online. Energybomb90
Joined: 05 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 58
27 Jul 2012 09:40 PM
Oh, first.
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bobpi is not online. bobpi
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 2021
27 Jul 2012 09:42 PM
First is the worst, second is the best.
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CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
27 Jul 2012 10:07 PM
~Thoughts~

Well written, I found the grammar and spelling good, but I also found the story very overused, I see too many space expeditions going to alien planets. Still good story, I enjoyed reading it.

~Overall~

Well written, but overused.

~Rating~

6.9/10
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conmankill1 is not online. conmankill1
Joined: 21 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 154
28 Jul 2012 01:12 AM
yea did anyone read mine?
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
28 Jul 2012 07:14 AM
Thank you FEAR and others.
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LuckyChaosKing12 is not online. LuckyChaosKing12
Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Total Posts: 27
28 Jul 2012 08:36 AM
That was great!
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jaybay1147 is not online. jaybay1147
Joined: 28 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 2188
28 Jul 2012 08:38 AM
I'm in it. :)
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jaybay1147 is not online. jaybay1147
Joined: 28 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 2188
28 Jul 2012 08:44 AM
I feel special when I'm in a story. jk jk jk :P Well.....kinda. .-.
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
28 Jul 2012 08:46 AM
The group I based this new civilization is my group T.A.O.K.
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anlm123 is not online. anlm123
Joined: 05 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 446
28 Jul 2012 08:48 AM
It's good, needs to be proof read though.
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
28 Jul 2012 08:50 AM
What mistakes do you see, Anlm?
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
28 Jul 2012 08:51 AM
T.A.O.K..*
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majesticnick is not online. majesticnick
Joined: 19 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 7
28 Jul 2012 10:21 PM
Rating: 9.7/10 That was the best part I can't wait to read more.
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limasam is not online. limasam
Joined: 21 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 5
28 Jul 2012 11:18 PM
Great story.
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SuperDarkMan12 is not online. SuperDarkMan12
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1903
02 Aug 2012 02:12 PM
Chapter two coming soon.
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bobpi is not online. bobpi
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 2021
07 Aug 2012 10:20 AM
Put me in it!
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