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Re: Excerpt from my new story.

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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:33 PM
To be quite honest, I dont think this is my best work, but you guys be the judge of that. Some of you may remember my story about the demons and such. Well, this is PART of Chapter 1.



Chapter 1: A Normal Day



“Wake up, Dane! For the last time, I’m not going to say it again. Either you wake up or we’re going to the museum without you!” the feminine voice yelled into Dane’s ear.

Keeping his eyes closed, he rolled his body onto his back so he lay flat, his face facing the direction from which the voice came from.

“Muh…” he mumbled, still half-asleep. He heard footsteps going to one side of his room, the side of his room with the closed curtains.

“Either you wake up, or I’m opening the curtains.” the voice continued. Dane could hear the voice’s hands rattling on the curtain’s handles.

“I’m getting up… I’m gett…” his voice got fainter and fainter with every word he spoke.

Suddenly, sunshine burst into the room, flooding the entire area with brightness. It hit Dane like a flashlight being shone directly into your eye.

He got up, rubbing his eyes, and said, “Yeah, thanks for that. Why do I have to wake up early on a weekend? For a museum? Yeah, I’ll pass.”

The feminine voice, who Dane, now in his fully awake state, realized was his mother, replied, “Because, Dane. Your father may be hired at this museum and get paid a great salary.”

“But-”

“No. Before you ask it, I am not allowing you to stay home alone. We live in a neighborhood that has had a murder take place within it before, I’m not going to risk some psychopath running into here and taking you out along with everything we own.”

“Fine.” Dane pushed the blankets off of him and onto the wood floors of his medium-sized room. His mother continued into the bathroom to continue doing her long, brown hair, which Dane knew would take another fifteen minutes or so.

Dane jumped off his bed and onto the floor. This somewhat hurt his ankles, but he didn’t really care. He’d be sitting in a car for about forty minutes anyways. Dane’s room wasn’t too big, but wasn’t too small either. He had a normal twin-sized bed in the center of his room with posters hanging all around of the various rock and metal bands he enjoyed. The occasional sport poster was there from his favorite sports teams, and then there were the skateboards. Dane loved to skateboard, it was his hobby. He had five skateboards, each from different brands, hanging from nails on his room until he was going to go outside and use them. In the center of his room, opposite the bed, was a big, wooden drawer with an old, non high definition TV. Dane badly wanted to upgrade his TV in his room as he spent several summer nights just laying in his bed and watching whatever he could find on the television; but it was okay, most kids at his age of 14 didn’t really have that big, 40 inch flat screen television in their rooms. He had decided just to be happy with the television that he had.

He stood in front of his wooden drawers and pulled out a blue t-shirt with brown shorts. Putting them on quickly he continued onwards into the other bathroom to get himself ready for public, by brushing his teeth, combing his black hair, and clipping his nails.

After about twenty minutes, the family met in the kitchen to each have a bowl of cereal atop the granite counter, in front of a window from which the sun was glaring. This was painful to Dane, as he had just woken up. Surprisingly to him, his family seemed to have been up for hours before the time he had woken up at, 8:00 AM.

“Mindy, this job would give me 100,000$ a year!” Dane’s father said. He was dressed very formally, in a black suit with red tie and black dress pants.

“I understand that, dear. But don’t get your hopes up. You may not even land the job.” Mindy replied to his father’s aspirations.

“I seem to have everything needed for this job, I’m a good people’s person, I have great health, and I am well educated in history. What else would I need for the museum job?”

“I agree with that, Zachary. All I’m saying is to not expect yourself to 100% land the job.”

“I see, honey.” Zachary told his wife.

Dane pushed his bowl of cereal into the sink and continued to the garage, where his family was now heading to. They got into their silver-colored car and started the drive to New York City towards the museum.


Thirty Minutes Later


“Stop at the nearest gas station, Zachary. We’re running low on gas.”

“Yes, Mindy, I see that. Do you really think I need you telling me to do everything? Trust me I got it.”

“Are you saying your bothered by having me help you?”

“No, all I’m saying is that you have to let me be independent some times.”

“Without me you’d barely be making it! Who brings home ¾ of our overall salary combined?! Answer me that!”

“With this job I’ll be earning more money than you!”

“You probably wont even get this job!”

Dane pressed his knuckle to his cheek. His parents were fighting again. Most of these fights were useless, they would always make up in the end and be a happy family. Normally it was his mother who started everything, but the times when his father started it were usually the worse fights.

Looking out the window, Dane realized his family had just pulled up to a gas station. It was a Namco gas station, the ordinary ones that were located in New York. His father and his mother had got out of the car without him and had walked to the inside of the gas station and seemed to be purchasing two packs of gum and some gas.

Dane used this time to ponder his thoughts, as he gazed out the window at the surrounding trees. On Monday he had a big exam, he realized, one that if he did well on would reflect well for the colleges later in life. He knew he would study this night, so that he would be well prepared for Monday and be sure to ace the test.

It was very nerve-wrecking, however. He knew that if he did poorly on this test, there were no do-overs. He had enough self confidence in himself, however; he was an honor student with straight 90 and above averages.

Dane also knew that on Tuesday was the big skate-park vert tournament. He had a big reputation at the skate park for being a very good skate-boarder. He had to uphold that at this big ramp competition, one that if he failed to get big air and land it as well, he would lose all his reputation and probably never be able to show his face at the skate park ever again.

It was bound to be a very stressful week for Dane, he knew. Tonight was when he would study, and tomorrow was when he would go into his driveway and practice his tricks. If everything were to go perfect for him, Dane would be the happiest teenager in the world.

“I said get out of the car, kid!” a voice growled at Dane through the window.

He had realized that the man had been yelling at him for a while, but Dane being in deep thought hadn’t heard him.

“What? Why get out of the car?” Dane asked the burly man staring him down through the window, close-up.

Suddenly, the man pulled out a revolver from his pocket and showed Dane quickly. Dane then knew what this was, a kidnapping.

Dane locked the doors, but knew he couldn’t stop the kidnapper. He broke the glass with his elbow and pulled Dane through, and got the back of his gun and hit Dane in the back of the head with it, knocking him out.




“Honey, we’re buying watermelon flavor and that is final!” Zachary yelled at his wife. “Your so picky!”

“Honey, I really like spearmint though! And, as a matter of fact, any other flavor besides watermelon!”

“I’m the driver today, I deserve to choose what kind of gum we buy!”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to ask you guys to step out of line momentarily, there are customers behind you.” the clerk said, gently pushing Zachary and his wife to the side.

“We have to get back to our son. Let’s just buy the watermelon pack and the spearmint pack, and get on our way!” Zachary said in such a way that his wife couldn’t respond adequately.

They got back in line and checked out after waiting for two more customers, and walked outside to their car. They dropped their gum in shock.

“…Zachary. Where is Dane?” Mindy said, her mouth dropped open.

“I.. don’t know…” Zachary replied.

A voice came out from behind a gas pump. “I know what happened. I saw it all!”

The voice was a plump man, a frightened looking man with very short brown hair. “It was this man… This man with a beard like Santa Claus, only brown! Than he had the most big body, and by big I mean muscular! I thought he was going to kill me, with that leather jacket on he looked like a murderer! Than he went, grabbed your son, and fled in his own car!”

Zachary stood there, in shock. Mindy simply fell to the ground, and screamed, “WHAT?! WHY, WHY?!” She started to cry. “Call 911, we’re going to have them investigate this place!”

Zachary didn’t show any emotion. He didn’t know how to handle his son getting kidnapped, so he just pulled his phone out and dialed 911. “Please… help… son… kidnapped…” Zachary than passed out from the pure horror that their son had been kidnapped by a seemingly murderer.

“Zach.. Zach! Wake up!” Mindy started shaking her husband mercilessly, trying to get him to awake.

“We’re going to find him, we’re going to find him!” Mindy kept saying relentlessly.

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DigtzyDog is not online. DigtzyDog
Joined: 12 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 7068
24 Jul 2012 11:34 PM
well.... i was kinda expecting an excerpt
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duedad202 is not online. duedad202
Joined: 17 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 1866
24 Jul 2012 11:35 PM
usually i tr0l stuff like this but that was actually pretty good
but im not sure that was an excerpt
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:35 PM
I consider an excerpt to be anything that is not the full deal.
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DigtzyDog is not online. DigtzyDog
Joined: 12 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 7068
24 Jul 2012 11:36 PM
i consider an excerpt to be anything from the story that doesn't shorten the scrollbar drastically
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:38 PM
Welp sorry about it being an excerpt but can I get actual feedback about the story?
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DigtzyDog is not online. DigtzyDog
Joined: 12 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 7068
24 Jul 2012 11:40 PM
uh
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:41 PM
Bump
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DJVERY is not online. DJVERY
Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 3833
24 Jul 2012 11:41 PM
awesome
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:44 PM
Thanks djvery
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youknoe986 is not online. youknoe986
Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 13743
24 Jul 2012 11:45 PM
Seems legit for a excerpt.
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:47 PM
Thank you, youknoe.
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DJVERY is not online. DJVERY
Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 3833
24 Jul 2012 11:49 PM
more story please
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alidizzy247 is not online. alidizzy247
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Total Posts: 5288
24 Jul 2012 11:54 PM
I cant, thats all I have typed up so far

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DJVERY is not online. DJVERY
Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 3833
24 Jul 2012 11:57 PM
:c
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