generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
Home Search
 

Re: The Resistance [Story Entry]

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:03 PM
I sat back my chair, I lit my cigar and inhaled deeply, a exhaled letting a thin stream of smoke go with it. I sighed and looked over my shoulder to the sound a cough. It was Yuri Yamanaka, my supervisor. She looked at my with soulless shallow eyes, she has had them ever since her son died on the front lines.

“Darren, no time for slacking off. More soldiers have been spotted to the East of the base. From what I have heard they are headed this way.” She said to me without emotion.
“Damn, they just don't give up do they?” I ask without expecting an answer as I stand up. “Looks like I am going to have to help out, huh?” Again not expecting an answer. I head out the front door. I was headed for the main lab, I pass the security guard and enter the door.

Wallace, one of the scientists that works for the U.R.R.T like me, looked at me with a exaggerated expression on his face. “Late again Mr. Darren.” He said acting important. In truth I am far more important than he is, he was younger than me and his normal job consisted of getting coffee for the real scientists, still I felt bad for the kid, he did deserve more respect than he was getting. “Sorry Wallace, I was busy.”

He looked unconvinced but went back to his business. “So, how are you Wallace?” I asked.
“I am doing better than ever.” He said slightly more cheerful. “Turns out we may be finishing that weapon by tomorrow.” I nodded as he said this. “That is all well and good, as long as we live long enough to use it, turns out a big troupe of government are headed this way. He looked as if he could care less. I simply shook my head and headed into the weapons room. I needed a better weapon than a simply sidearm if I am to defend the base. I grab a simple sniper-rifle and head up to the main building once more to get to the roof, I walk in as an alarm goes off.

“Damn! They're here already?” I shout rushing up to the roof of the building, I begin on he first flight of stairs as I hear a explosion from outside the walls and begin to run and fast as I can when I hear a shout from their soldiers. I reach the roof to see a colossal siege placed by the enemy, B.U.R.S.T soldiers were defending as well as possible, but each time one of them fell another took his place. I got steadied and shot one, I aimed for another when suddenly, I fell back. I coughed up a bit of blood, I looked for the wound, but before I could find where it was all grew black and cold.

“Cole...are you awake?” I rose quickly as the words snapped me out of a unconscious zone.
“Huh?” I managed to sputter. “It is me Yuri, thank God, I though we lost you.” She responded. I looked at her confused, then I remembered the raid, I jumped to my feet. “Wait, wait, calm down we won, the raid is over.” She said with a forced smile.

“Okay, what happened?” I say glaring at her. That is when her true feeling came out, she teared up and a frown appeared. “Cole...your son was shot and killed.” She blurted in tears. No...it was a cruel joke, he wasn't dead, he couldn't be she was jealous I had a son and she didn't. I pushed her away and began walking for the door. I opened it and headed for the Guard's bunker. As I walked outside blood and dead bodies lay all around, both enemy and ally. I reached the bunker and open the door I didn't see my son, but I continued to look.
“Sir?” A young guard asked.
“I am looking for Daniel Darren.” I told him. His face grew sad and grey. I shouted and left the building. I began screaming for my son.
“Daniel! Daniel!”

Yuri walked outside and began to try and stop me. “Cole...stop.” She said sadly. “He is gone. Screaming won't bring him back.” At this I fell to my knees in tears, he was dead. “He didn't have to die.” I say. Then I realized how much Yuri knew my pain. I never understood her pain fully, but now I completely do. I looked at her and realized she was crying too, she felt bad. Suddenly, and urge came over me.

Rage replaced my sadness... I felt the sudden urge to kill those who killed my son, I would kill all of the government soldiers. I screamed.


I walked down the hall of the newer base of U.R.R.T it was redone and given upgrades after... the raid. I got to the door to the meeting room. I typed in the access code and entered the room.
“Hello, General Darren.” A high-ranking soldier said to me as I entered. I nodded to him and took my place at the table. I looked up they I did every meeting, like clockwork. The U.R.R.T sign hung there under it the words; Unidentified Russian Resistance Troopers. We were defending against the new dictatorship led by Nikolai Orfrienzi, the most vile man living today.

Suddenly, Yuri and Preston, a high-ranking captain, entered.
“Hello, Darren.” She said. He saluted me and I responded identically. “Hello you two.” I replied to the two. More and more high-ranking members entered and sat down then finally one of the three main resistance leaders entered, Kori Yamanaka, Yuri's older brother.

“Hello, U.R.R.T soldiers, I called this meeting to alert you on the massive rise in raids from the enemy.” He started. “I also called this meeting to congratulate General Darren on his promotion along with Garrett Webster for his promotion to Sub-Leader. Garrett and I both rose to our feet and awaited the following applause then sat back in our seats. “So, I have had small ideas, but no big plans on how to stop these assaults, any ideas?” He continued.

Yuri raised her hand and began speaking. “I have been thinking about continuing construction on the super weapon we were working on.” Everyone looked at each other as she finished her sentence. That device was locked away long ago due to the catastrophic events it could cause it was a nuclear device that could end this war with a couple shots, but the results would be mortifying.

Kori shook his head. “No way, the results of that weapon are clear to be too destructive, it would kill us along with them.” Yuri chimed in here. “But what if we find another power source?”
All grew silent and looked at each other. It could work, electricity is one of the things they haven't cut from the building yet. They already have manged to cut off the water and heat source to our base. So it was decided with silent looks to each other.
“So, agreed?”
We all agreed and it was settled.

They set to work on the machine three days after the meeting. I was helping gather supplies for the machine itself along with a couple others. The scientists set to work on how to transfer the nuclear supplies for electric. Wallace sadly not one of them, he died a week after a raid following a couple days after the one that killed my son. Wallace was a good lad who I looked at as both my brother and my son in a odd way. It was sad to see him pass but I moved on just as I had with my son.

About a month later the machine was converted safely and completed. The weapon was finished and ready for war, we would reveal it in the next raid. We all began to wait, oddly enough we were waiting for an attack. After nearly two weeks it finally happened, nothing big, a small troupe with sidearms and a couple machine guns assaulted the base and we responded with a small assault at first and as they progressed we brought out the weapon. The device was the size of a small cannon, pushed easily, even possible to lift.

Upon using it on our first live target the other ran, we managed to kill them all so they couldn't alert the others. We ended the raid successfully as the victors. We all headed to the cabins proud to have a weapon that could possibly end this entire war. I got in my bed in my own personal room. I tossed and turned that night and I began to have terrible nightmares of my son and Wallace. How I could use the weapon my elf and finish off the government myself. I awoke in a sweat. I slowly fell back into sleep.

I awoke the next morning to an alarm. I hurried to dress and leave with my sidearm readied. I t was revealed to only be a drill and I calmed myself, the morning went about normally, I ordered the minor guards around being General Guard. Throughout the day I thought about the dream I had the night before. I thought about how Wallace called to me to kill them and how my on joined him later in the dream. I paused and thought...
“General?” A guard asked which snapped me out of my daydream. “Yes soldier?” I responded.
“I request to go on break, it is my turn for break.” I nodded allowing him to go. I continued thinking and more and more I thought it was the right idea. No, it couldn't be right, that would be treachery...or would it be?

I went to bed and had the dream once more. This time though it was much more graphic and detailed, my son still had the wounds he had when he was killed and Wallace was charred due to his death in a fire. I felt ill, this time they demanded I kill the Russian government, I awoke once more this night. Again I passed it off as a nightmare, but it seemed so right to do it I got dressed and went for a walk.
“Cole?” A voice rang out from behind me. I paused and turned to see Yuri.
“Oh hello Yuri.” I reply. “Hello, out for a walk as well?” She asked. I laughed responding yes. After a bit more pleasantries she asked me something a bit odd.

“I have been thinking...about my son and your son as well.” She started. “I have never stopped missing him to this day I feel just as bad as the day he died.” She continued. “I guess I want to know if you miss your son as well...I mean as much as you did as the day you learned of his passing. I paused and though, truthfully I didn't, I mean of course I missed him but not as much.”Yes, I suppose.” I lied.
“Let me tell you something I have never told anyone...” She continued to speak. “...I told him I hated him the day he died, he was posted down out deep in the action and I sent him a letter saying I hated him.” She began to tear up. “He never responded. He never had the chance!” She began to cry fully now. Maybe this was why, she felt guilty.

“Yuri, it isn't your fault he passed, why would you tell him that though?” I asked. She began to quiet now, but you could still hear the sadness in her voice. “He told me of how cowardice I was hiding here. I told him of how much trouble I go through here and he acted as if it was no trouble, I over reacted of course, I see that now, I just never expected...” The tears came back now. “Yuri, you are not to blame, this is not your fault...”She seemed to accept that she ran off to her room. I paused...There is a different reason she but that in her letter. There was a reason she hated him that wasn't it...

Another dream hit now with Yuri's son, Austin. He was scarred from his war, I awoke now in a rush and found myself on the floor near my bed, I rolled my way off the bed in panic these dreams were telling me to do it...and I was going to. It was late, about three thirty. I got dressed and rushed outside. I started to open the weapon's holding room with the safety passkey. Suddenly a jolt of electricity shocked me and a alarm went off along with a red light flashing.

“In here!” I hear Kori say down the hall, they rushed in to see me with a gun pointed at them.
“W-what are you doing here General?” He asked. Suddenly, my hand clenched. I could barely control myself. “Avenging my son!” Suddenly a shot rang out, I searched myself for the wound only to find I was the one to have fired, killing Kori. I froze at this, I looked at the other soldier's, one slowly raising his gun. I rose my own gun, and fired it...a myself. All grew black.
Report Abuse
bebithetuffle is not online. bebithetuffle
Joined: 13 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 28080
21 Jul 2012 11:04 PM
*Clap* *Clap* I like this, I like it alot. It is really good.

My "I would be a judge if Tai wasn't such a prick" Rating meter gives it a 10/10.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:05 PM
You're a fast reader. o.o
Report Abuse
bebithetuffle is not online. bebithetuffle
Joined: 13 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 28080
21 Jul 2012 11:05 PM
Indeed.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:05 PM
Indeed, and thank you.
Report Abuse
uknowhimguy is not online. uknowhimguy
Joined: 19 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 3700
21 Jul 2012 11:33 PM
A sad ending but i like the story. All of it was so unexpected.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:39 PM
Thank you, the hero often doesn't die so I thought eh, kill him.
Report Abuse
Princess9 is not online. Princess9
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Total Posts: 9049
21 Jul 2012 11:46 PM
I found this quite interesting. I found few grammar mistakes, and I enjoyed the detail you put into the story, the words you used and how you used them really helped me to paint a vivid picture of what was occurring. I really didn't anticipate the ending, either. It was so unexpected and original. Good job. :3
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:48 PM
Thanks. :D
Report Abuse
Princess9 is not online. Princess9
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Total Posts: 9049
21 Jul 2012 11:50 PM
You're welcome. :D You have great potential.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
21 Jul 2012 11:53 PM
T.T
THank you again, but please I hate when people say that it makes me feel like I am a newb to writing when in truth I have been writing for like 6 years.
Report Abuse
Princess9 is not online. Princess9
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Total Posts: 9049
21 Jul 2012 11:59 PM
Sorry, didn't mean for it to sound that way, I can tell that you've had a lot of experience with writing. I just meant you have great potential to actually become a professional author someday.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 12:00 AM
Oh, thank you madam. I try. *Arrogant laugh* I have an eighty page novel.
Report Abuse
Princess9 is not online. Princess9
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Total Posts: 9049
22 Jul 2012 12:06 AM
Lol..

Lucky for you. :D
I usually can't get up to twenty pages before I get bored and tired of my own novel or get writer's block, although I usually have no time to finish my stories. I can come up with plenty of ideas, and then in the middle, I just have no idea what to do next.
Report Abuse
MrGiraffe1 is not online. MrGiraffe1
Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 23833
22 Jul 2012 12:47 AM
Hey, I’m here!

Alright so there was quite a few grammar mistakes, namely ones where you used ‘and’ instead of ‘an’ or forgot to include the last bunch of quotation marks. Although to be fair the latter only happened once. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit choppy in some places and I think you could benefit from listening really closely to conversations in your day-to-day life. The only reason I mention this in yours and not others is that I saw much more talking in this in others, which is actually great! The plot is certainly interesting and I do enjoy it, don’t get me wrong! Also, remember that in writing you’ve got to show your readers, not tell. So the line ‘she said with no emotions’ is a bit…odd, try to show it!

In the beginning I noticed an overuse of I’s, I won’t include this though since you fixed a majority of it near the end. This is just for your future reference. Try to start sentences that are back-to-back differently.

Overall
5.7/10
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 11:22 AM
.0. oh god.
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 11:23 AM
.O. I hope I don't lose :C
Report Abuse
EpicBoyMike is not online. EpicBoyMike
Joined: 25 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5037
22 Jul 2012 11:23 AM
TL;DR

GO TO" Movies/TV/Books".
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 11:25 AM
-.- TL;DR is literally the dumbest thing a person can post...
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 11:28 AM
Anyways...
Report Abuse
TAKER38 is not online. TAKER38
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 15210
22 Jul 2012 11:32 AM
Did you read your story after you wrote it?
Report Abuse
CreativeMystery is not online. CreativeMystery
Joined: 29 May 2012
Total Posts: 18749
22 Jul 2012 11:34 AM
Yes...I just missed the spelling mistakes.
Report Abuse
MrGiraffe1 is not online. MrGiraffe1
Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 23833
22 Jul 2012 11:35 AM
Protip: Chek it over 1-2 times and the have one read-aloud check. Saying it really helps in finding mistakes.
Report Abuse
MrGiraffe1 is not online. MrGiraffe1
Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 23833
22 Jul 2012 11:36 AM
*check

i should probably be more careful fuuuuu
Report Abuse
TAKER38 is not online. TAKER38
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 15210
22 Jul 2012 11:36 AM
Chek. Don't you mean check? Silly MrGiraffe.
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image