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Re: My rap. (Feedback please?)

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jeffhardy24230 is not online. jeffhardy24230
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 4433
13 Jul 2012 07:45 AM
I sit here trying to overcome the stress I'm given.
And in these sad days is the best I've written.
I cant seem to find happiness unless I'm driven.
But darkness and horror seem to possess my vision.
And turn my light to black and the rest to crimson.
So I'm deep in this, and my hope, I guess is ridden.
My trust is fading so I start to express suspicion.
And when I'm in my world, I reject ya' wisdom.
So in the future, you decide to suppress my system.
And in this downhill life, yes I'm victim.
As I spend all my tryin' to best my rhythm.
It ends up turning me into a mess with women.
They tell me how it's deep rooted that they find me stupid.
I'm weak through it, so I sit alone and weep to it.
I pray for the day that this world will treat me right.
Until then, I'll remain nocturnal and only greet the night.

---I'm not very good at creating hooks, so I only have that verse at the moment.
Tell me what you think, and be honest. I need to know what to improve on.
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Jmanfh is not online. Jmanfh
Joined: 27 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 45871
13 Jul 2012 08:13 AM
no one wants a depressing rap
srsly
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ringorockz70 is not online. ringorockz70
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 1745
13 Jul 2012 08:34 AM
"Im victim"


You need help
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StellaOwl is not online. StellaOwl
Joined: 24 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 3387
13 Jul 2012 08:35 AM
I think it would be better if you actually had an uplifting ending.
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ringorockz70 is not online. ringorockz70
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 1745
13 Jul 2012 08:42 AM
1 verse
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StellaOwl is not online. StellaOwl
Joined: 24 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 3387
13 Jul 2012 08:43 AM
Bro he said he only has one verse
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ringorockz70 is not online. ringorockz70
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 1745
13 Jul 2012 08:45 AM
"Bro he said he only has one verse"


Yea i know


i cant rate a song not finished
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jeffhardy24230 is not online. jeffhardy24230
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 4433
13 Jul 2012 09:26 AM
I know it's sad.
I personally find myself better at sad songs anyway. Ill conjure up an uplifting song later.

And I need help?
Why do you say that? I'm going through kind of a hard time right now, it's just a metaphor.
"Yes I'm victim" rhymed with all of the other lines, so I fit it in.

But it terms of, just, actually lyrics and so forth, what do you think of that?
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jaylenjohnson2 is not online. jaylenjohnson2
Joined: 05 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 1585
13 Jul 2012 10:52 AM
Nice this is pretty good for sad rap song.
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AnorexicPiglet is not online. AnorexicPiglet
Joined: 01 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 1623
13 Jul 2012 11:35 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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jeffhardy24230 is not online. jeffhardy24230
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 4433
13 Jul 2012 11:54 AM
Thanks.

And thanks alot piglet, I need some constructive critisicm.

I'll try to add some literal terms, I need to work on that.
And, well, I dont have a specific flow. I mix it up for however the song goes.
So I'm sure I can find a flow to work with it.
Thanks again.
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jason8630 is not online. jason8630
Joined: 11 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 11998
13 Jul 2012 11:12 PM
The hell is going on in this comment section. Anyway it's pretty fine. A metaphor or two could help it a little.
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SamXD23 is not online. SamXD23
Joined: 01 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 13161
13 Jul 2012 11:21 PM
it is awful it made me cry in sadness
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noxvillejohny is not online. noxvillejohny
Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 378
13 Jul 2012 11:55 PM
Second verse...speed it up and say something good

Third verse...make it fast and happy.
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Jared343 is not online. Jared343
Joined: 02 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 9030
14 Jul 2012 12:08 AM
Every song doesn't need to have a happy ending. Let him go with how he wants the song, happy or sad. Jeez.
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hjames9911 is not online. hjames9911
Joined: 20 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 1080
14 Jul 2012 12:23 AM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Jared343 is not online. Jared343
Joined: 02 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 9030
14 Jul 2012 12:30 AM
@hjames9911 And who are you to speak on behalf of everyone?
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noxvillejohny is not online. noxvillejohny
Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 378
14 Jul 2012 12:54 AM
@hjames

umm...Eminem-Beautiful and Eminem-Like Toy Soldiers are depressing raps...weren't they both #1 when they came out?
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jeffhardy24230 is not online. jeffhardy24230
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 4433
14 Jul 2012 01:18 AM
Thanks Jared and noxville.
It's my music, I can choose the subject.
Dont judge on that, judge on the actual content.
And will do, jason.
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noxvillejohny is not online. noxvillejohny
Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 378
14 Jul 2012 01:34 AM
Jeff...I think it's pretty good!
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Jmanfh is not online. Jmanfh
Joined: 27 Jun 2009
Total Posts: 45871
16 Jul 2012 01:23 PM
its bad

liek srsly
who wants


a depressing
rap

r u liek emo or sumthing
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Oatesyfats0110 is not online. Oatesyfats0110
Joined: 11 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 1424
16 Jul 2012 01:28 PM
WTF. I hate rap!
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Crash6351 is not online. Crash6351
Joined: 17 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 21489
16 Jul 2012 01:31 PM
"WTF. I hate rap!"

I HATE RAP
SURE I PROBABLY WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE THESE LYRICS
BUT THIS PERSON SAID IT'S RAP SO IT SUKZ
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noxvillejohny is not online. noxvillejohny
Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 378
17 Jul 2012 11:34 AM
Eminem had two depressing songs...both were #1 when they came out........................so my guess is people like depressing songs.
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DavidBowiesEyes is not online. DavidBowiesEyes
Joined: 15 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 13270
17 Jul 2012 11:38 AM
>WTF. I hate rap!

how dare op post oatesyfats doesnt want to see! op, i demand you apologize for exposing our friend oatesy to this crap you call music!
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