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Re: A Poem I Wrote. Please Give Criticism. :P

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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
14 Jul 2012 12:18 PM
Some days before that day of life,
When everything went wrong.
They brought upon a new invention,
They said it would make us strong.

Go back in time to change our history,
Stop the drastic wars.
Wouldn’t things be better if
There were no stupid quarrels?

Perhaps we want the future,
See what in fact it brings,
Will there be Gadgets and brand new gizmos?
Could we invent what we had seen?

So I was chosen for this invention,
And boy, was it some sight.
Those whizzing contraptions of metal,
And a cyclone of swirling so bright.

They turned it horizontal,
They laid it on the floor.
One by one we jumped in,
To the whizzing, glowing, door.

I can’t exactly describe what I saw,
In all honest truth.
The future seemed so dull to me,
Filled with smoke and soot.

Everything was destroyed and burnt,
And everybody had gone.
It had gotten so hard to breath,
So we had to put gas masks on.

We walked around our once-beautiful city,
Beautiful no more.
I think I caught before everyone else,
That there must have been a war.

Maybe it was our pollution that did it,
Destroyed our lovely world.
We had to get home to warn them,
And to save ourselves.

For our own deeds had brought this,
Our own pollution killed us,
Our own quarrels sought this,
And no one stepped up to stop us.

But they just would not believe us,
Everybody just laughed.
When it happened, I know they’d be sorry.
But they would all get nature’s wrath.
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toikn is not online. toikn
Joined: 14 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 1470
14 Jul 2012 12:30 PM
cant read
to long
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
14 Jul 2012 01:05 PM
It's not THAT long, really.
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bigbro223 is not online. bigbro223
Joined: 27 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 560
14 Jul 2012 01:08 PM
Excellent poem. Good story, creative, and good enough to be in a poem book or whatnot.

P.S. I'm not a poetry fan, but that was good!
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dralion is not online. dralion
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 17440
14 Jul 2012 01:32 PM
I liked it.
It wus sad though :(
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BlueGirlyGirl1 is not online. BlueGirlyGirl1
Joined: 12 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 11525
14 Jul 2012 03:08 PM
Good poem ^_^ I wouldn't be able to come up with a poem like that.

~Everyone chases after happiness, not noticing that happiness is right at their heels.~
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
15 Jul 2012 08:13 PM
Thanks. :)

I like writing poetry, but I don't really know where to go to show it to the world to be in a book or something.
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dralion is not online. dralion
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 17440
15 Jul 2012 09:58 PM
okie.
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betteranimationguy is not online. betteranimationguy
Joined: 22 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 412
15 Jul 2012 10:47 PM
I don't get it?
>.<
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Xerolayne is not online. Xerolayne
Joined: 01 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4335
15 Jul 2012 11:17 PM
I just happened to be listening to Eyes Wide Open by Gotye. (Highly recommended, by the way.) I felt a bit of a similar sentiment shining through.

The poem is very strong in its use of simple language and alliteration. It evokes imagery well without being incomprehensible to the reader. It's like Dr. Seuss, but without the allegory.

(Applause)
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bloodwolf1999 is not online. bloodwolf1999
Joined: 13 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 229
16 Jul 2012 12:04 AM
LOLZ
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
16 Jul 2012 12:56 PM
Thank you! I will never post a poem in O.T. again. I posted it their before I posted it here, and they totally just trolled the entire thread.
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
16 Jul 2012 12:56 PM
Whoops, I used the wrong 'there'.
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
16 Jul 2012 01:07 PM
-This is another one of my poems.

The tiny little lovely house,
It sits next to the creek.
That tiny little lovely house,
Which everyone calls meek.

People say that it's too small,
They're caught up in technology.
People say it's boring and dull,
But it's beauties they don't see.

That tiny little lovely house,
Is lit up by the dawn.
That tiny little lovely house,
The house where I grew up.


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dralion is not online. dralion
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 17440
16 Jul 2012 03:31 PM
pretty.
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link6249 is not online. link6249
Joined: 06 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 2671
16 Jul 2012 04:00 PM
Lovely, Pretty nice :3

And yeah... bthat's what I really don't go into OT...
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gymnast82 is not online. gymnast82
Joined: 21 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1145
16 Jul 2012 08:51 PM
The people in OT don't really understand poetry, I guess.
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chichi87 is not online. chichi87
Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 3483
16 Jul 2012 09:30 PM
Join this group: http://www.roblox.com/My/Groups.aspx?gid=251356
And join their wsite: http:
//w11.zetab
oards.com/R
BLX_Bookwrit
er_clu
b/index/

I hope to see you soon on the official bookwriters club wsite.
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