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Re: [Starlite Corporation Story]

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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:24 PM
Part 1: Training

As a group of Cadets and one Private Started moving towards the Training Center, They realized they where BARELY on time.... They quickly lined up with the other Troops and Cadets. The trainer wore a Captain Trench Coat a black paintball mask and a hood. "Okay the training will begin in 5 minutes" The trainer said. A Cadet asked, "Where do we get the armor from?". A Private answered "Youll know when training starts". The Trainer said "Okay, Cadets with no armor, go to the Armory part of the training center." The Cadets went to there side. -5 Minutes later the Cadets come back- "Okay everyone, Follow me to the formations room". "Study the formations then come to the other side" The cadets being new where very confused..But a Major named DeAndre told the Cadets what to do. The rest of the training past in barely any time at all. "okay we can either raid, or patrol our bases". Most of the Cadets voted Patrol. Some of the Troops said raid.

This is Part 1 of the 10 part story
(Not many names introduced yet)
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neoplasm888 is not online. neoplasm888
Joined: 03 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 115
15 Jul 2012 07:30 PM
Nice :3
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:30 PM
Part TWO will be out later this week when I have some free time!
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dullcool950 is not online. dullcool950
Joined: 14 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 13
15 Jul 2012 07:34 PM
Its epic :3
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SleepDeprivation is not online. SleepDeprivation
Joined: 12 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 5048
15 Jul 2012 07:35 PM
have the made the floodcheck shorter?



.:-«:»║Ξ║~{ŞŁ££ṖƊ£ṖŔĩƔΛŦĩøה}~║Ξ║«:»-:.
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HeroMaster is not online. HeroMaster
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 21319
15 Jul 2012 07:35 PM
poorly written drivel

the end
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:35 PM
Haters gonna hate eh?

~Starlite Corporation Captain Shane~
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HeroMaster is not online. HeroMaster
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 21319
15 Jul 2012 07:37 PM
If you would like a longer critique on why it is drivel, I would be happy to oblige, but chances are the critique will be longer than the story itself.
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dullcool950 is not online. dullcool950
Joined: 14 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 13
15 Jul 2012 07:38 PM
I cant wait till next story :D
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:38 PM
Its not supposed to be long smart one. The next chapter will be, though.

~Starlite Corporation Captain Shane~
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neoplasm888 is not online. neoplasm888
Joined: 03 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 115
15 Jul 2012 07:41 PM
nex prt pls

gooby pls
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HeroMaster is not online. HeroMaster
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 21319
15 Jul 2012 07:47 PM
somebody is afraid of being told they're bad at what they love

oh well

Part 1: Training

"As a group of Cadets and one Private Started moving towards the Training Center, They realized"

1. Starting sentences off with "as" is bad form.
2. You don't capitalize anything other than a proper noun after a comma, and "they" is not a proper noun.

"they where BARELY on time...."

3. Okay, so you managed to use an ellipses properly, but for some reason I think that's a fluke.

"They quickly lined up with the other Troops and Cadets. The trainer wore a Captain Trench Coat a black paintball mask and a hood."

4. More confusion with proper nouns that generally make the whole sentence very very ugly.

"'Okay the training will begin in 5 minutes' The trainer said."

5. You have to have punctuation at the end of dialogue, and when using an active speaking verb, it cannot be capitalized.

"A Cadet asked, "Where do we get the armor from?"."

6. You can't put periods there.

"A Private answered "Youll know when training starts"."

7. You had it right with the commas the first time.

"The Trainer said "Okay, Cadets with no armor, go to the Armory part of the training center.""

8. Wrong again.

"The Cadets went to there side. -5 Minutes later the Cadets come back- "

9. Did you seriously just use "-"s to describe an actual action? That's below drivel.

"Okay everyone, Follow me to the formations room".

10. Wrong dialogue and messy capitalization again.

"Study the formations then come to the other side"

11.Wrong punctuation again.

"The cadets being new where very confused.."

12. Annoying tense shift and poor use of ellipses.

"But a Major named DeAndre told the Cadets what to do. The rest of the training past in barely any time at all."

13. Poor pacing and the correct word would be "passed in barely"

"okay we can either raid, or patrol our bases". Most of the Cadets voted Patrol. Some of the Troops said raid.

14. Poor capitalization and absolutely atrocious pacing.
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:48 PM
Did I ask for your opinion?
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dullcool950 is not online. dullcool950
Joined: 14 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 13
15 Jul 2012 07:49 PM
Its creative and has lots of details MAKES IT EPIC :3
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 07:50 PM
Oh please, The next part will be EPICER

~Starlite Corporation Captain Admiral Bane~
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adatoon is not online. adatoon
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 26
15 Jul 2012 07:51 PM
It be epicnesh.
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Jagger19 is not online. Jagger19
Joined: 14 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 1877
15 Jul 2012 07:57 PM
May you please explain to me how you guys think "epic" is the proper word to describe this story? Honestly, it's impossible to read and very sloppy, not to mention there is no description of any characters or setting.
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Dragonboy00 is not online. Dragonboy00
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 1753
15 Jul 2012 08:01 PM
Actually, you did ask his opinion in a roundabout way. You practically begged him to show you your various errors. To be frank, Hero went easy on you. He did not even glaze over the various spelling and word choice mistakes, and even then, that is simply editing. If you wish for actual revising of your text to make it more easily readable and interesting, and not a mash-up of meandering ideas, I can help.
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 08:15 PM
They think its epic becaus ethey are IN THE GROUP.. if your not in the group don't even COMMENT on this.
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
15 Jul 2012 08:25 PM
www.roblox.com/Forum/Showpost.aspx?postid=72563204 PART TWO OF MY STORY!!
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Jagger19 is not online. Jagger19
Joined: 14 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 1877
15 Jul 2012 08:27 PM
So you're members are so ignorant that anything that someone in your group posts is automatically good? That must really make you feel special, huh? When you write something that's worth reading, tell us, and we'll help you out. Honestly, this is just a disgrace to literature as a whole.
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
16 Jul 2012 11:24 AM
Haters.
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neoplasm888 is not online. neoplasm888
Joined: 03 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 115
16 Jul 2012 10:20 PM
Heeey bro, floppy..?
Floppy is the way you confuse you're with your.. :/
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AdmiralShanel is not online. AdmiralShanel
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 77
17 Jul 2012 11:17 AM
Your confusing me your you're yours!
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Marianne3013 is not online. Marianne3013
Joined: 20 Nov 2010
Total Posts: 685
18 Jul 2012 09:47 PM
Ah, I've found a language arts buddy.


*Black Rabbit
"And yet, my hatred grows."*
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