gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 08 Jun 2012 11:53 PM |
| It happened when I turned 13, back when life was normal in the colonys. Word of a revolution was spreading, but it was all fine. All fine... for every one but me. I was sent out to get a pail of water from the shore for my mother, something I hated. Expecially then. Under that bright light of the glowing eye in the sky. I hate night. Its when the unholy come to feed. By the time I got back from the shore the moon was high in the sky and my skin, darkened from hours in the sun, seemed to glow a pale white in the moon light. My dark blue eyes staired back at me from the water. Strange, my mother always said they where brown. I didnt think much about it, but I should have. When I reached my small hut, I heard distant foot steps, with speed beyond that of any man. I froze in terror. All I could do was work on insticts, and my insticts told me to hide. Like prey hiding from the hunter. The foot steps slowed, the sound of a door creaking open wasnt far behind, and a voice so much like a voice I knew once said words of evil, and a scream fillied the air. My mothers scream. I was on the verge of tears, but I knew I had to remain silent. The foot steps started again, and the being was gone. Thats when I cryed. Burst out in tears. Why.. Why would he do this? How did he? How did my dead father kill my mother? I sat there and cryed for hours till I fell asleep under the bright moons glow. When I woke up, there was no relief. Only terror for what was next. Because I had to have been next on the list. My fate was sealed, all I had left to do in life was wait. Wait till tommorow. Or maybe, prepare to fight. Or run. Run was my best bet, but I couldnt do that... |
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Chr0nic
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| Joined: 25 Jul 2011 |
| Total Posts: 359 |
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| 08 Jun 2012 11:54 PM |
Wiki forced you? What did they poke you with a sharp stick and say "Write?". haha :P
It isn't bad, the idea is fairly original too. Good work. =) |
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| 08 Jun 2012 11:54 PM |
Horrible story, too much telling instead of showing, lots of spelling errors
Shall I go on? |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 08 Jun 2012 11:58 PM |
@Stink Im still in the middle of reading about the monster thingys that made me want to write this. More will come.
@the rest Yea, I know it sucks. Wiki forced me by adding a link to werewolf lore to a morrowind page I was using as a guide. |
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DigtzyDog
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| Joined: 12 Jul 2011 |
| Total Posts: 7068 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:01 AM |
it's a good storyline but there's many many many errors and the tense and person it's in doesn't appeal
try 3rd, and present tense
ʞ тo тнɘ ı тo тнɘ тzγ |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:17 AM |
| It was time to face it. I had to kill him, no matter how much I loved him in life. If I looked at her corpse I might know what he was, but I couldnt bring my self to see her like that. So I was going in with no idea what Im facing. But what I was facing wasnt the most important thing on my mind, it was how to face it. I knew It would come for me in my sleep by tommorow morning, but how to be ready for him? The guards giving me a gun was out of the question, and I doubted the black smith would make me a sword and armor. Then I knew. My dad taught me the basics of smithing, the rest couldnt be to hard. With enough money, the local smith might teach me. But what to make the armor from? Then I rembered, my mother kept a collection of holy metal charms that she said could kill the dead. I thought she was crazy, but maybe thats a good thing. So I stood up and prepared my self. I had to face it sooner or later. I swung open the door, and forced my self inside. There was no body. No blood, no weapons, no anything. Nothing, that is, but the charms on the table. I found some pride in this. It was like my birth right, I dont know why, It just was. I swept them off the table, filled my arms with them, and was off to the smith. But no, fate had other plans. Before I opened the doors, I heard the sound of an endlessly flowing stream, and then silence. Out side the door stood a small winged ghostly creature that appeared like the dragons of legend. These beasts where suppposed to be dead, why did no one else seem startled. I welcomed the thought. It would be an early relief for this beast to kill me. But it didnt. It stood and watched. I could sence it ment no harm, that It only wanted to help. I rembered a tale of spirit beasts summoned to help with magic. I could tell this was one, but whos? |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:18 AM |
oh and @Digzy It is going to catch up to present tense soon enough. |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:33 AM |
| The end sounds like the Hunger Games, like you were going to get picked and sent to die. |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:41 AM |
| I sat and thought for about a minute. I had no time to waste, and If I could see it, It could help me. I didnt really care. I had to leave. Leave NOW. I only had, what,10 hours? So I left, and it followed. All the way to the smith. No one questioned the dragon. But then I knew. Only I could see it. It was mine. MY OWN DRAGON GHOST! And if it was like what it looked like, it could breathe fire. And fire melts metal. And melted metal makes armor. So thats exactly what It did, I didnt even tell it to, It knew. It melted the charms before my eyes. And again it cooled into a solid form, a suit of armor and a small knife, all exactly my size. Now I was ready. Maybe. I had to know what I was facing. Or maybe I shouldnt have, knowing what it was would only make it worse. So I didnt. I sat and thought, thought of happier times. I rembered a day long ago, when I was three. I rember playing soldier with my dad. I was always so happy around him. For the first time, I rember his eyes glowing a dark blue. His eyes where brown. I didnt think much of it, I only thought how stupid the game was. When I turned 4, the army came and took my dad away. It was the worst day of my life. Every one was taken. Every man old enough to serve had to. The next year we learned his fate. He died in battle little over a weak before we learned about it. His last words where "Help.. Revenge..". It didnt take long before I fell into a cold, restless sleep. Why did I always fall asleep in public? I wasnt ready for what was about to happen, but neither was my dad when he went to war. What I was about to do, I did for him. The real him. I awoke to the sound of a rushing river, and the sight of pure black. Then the sound stopped, and I could see again. What I saw I didnt like. A pair of worn battle boots, uniform red coat pants down the the boots, meeting with the jacket at the waist. Then I turned my head up, to sights I liked less. A red moon in the sky behind a man with a deadly smile and brown eyes. "Dad.." |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:54 AM |
| I bookmarked this thread ;D |
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| 09 Jun 2012 12:17 PM |
| Still a bad story with too much telling instead of showing |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 09 Jun 2012 11:39 PM |
Bump. I plan on adding more latter. I dont know when, just later. |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 11 Jun 2012 12:52 AM |
Ok, In the next hour Ill write more. Maybe. |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 11 Jun 2012 01:41 AM |
| "Son..." I hated it, They way he called me his son. He wasnt my dad. Not really, he couldnt be. He killed my mom, he was about to kill me. It couldnt be the same person I played with as a child. "Whats wrong with you? Why would you do this? Your a murderer!". "Is that what you think happened? No.. I am a bit more now. I assume you over heard your mothers "Death". She isnt dead, you know. Shes helping me. Helping me with my revenge.". "What revenge? You died in war, war we won, who do you have to avenge" I unsheathed my dagger and stood up to look him in the eye. "On the beast that killed me. You see, it wasnt an enemy soldier, more of an enemy hound. Im sure you've heard the legends of werewolfs, well this is something like those. I was seperated from the troop on the way to a battle up north. I ran out of food and drink rather fast, and the sun was nearly down so I looked for shelter. I wandered for hours, till seemingly out of no where a large snowy cave appeared. I enteered, prepared to kill what ever beast was inside, planing on eating it. What I saw was a man, shivering from the cold, his eyes full of fear and his breathing heavy. Before I could even offer to help him an ear splitting scream shattered the air. The man seemed to turn white as snow, and his fingers turned to talons, his teeth into sharpened tools of killing. His eyes turned a dark blue, and hair grew all over him. He doubled in size and let out a howl. The man was no longer a man, but a wolfish beast standing on two legs. I was to scared to move. He simply lunged at me, and tore me to shreds. The last thing I saw in life were the tips of the beasts claws clawing at my eyes. So, you see, Im here for your help in finding this thing. Ever noticed your eyes, or even mine? There supposed to be brown, but sometimes there dark blue. In my case that was a sighn of my fate of being killed by that beast. But in you, that shows that your dad was killed by one, so you may become one at will" |
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Tdc88
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| Joined: 16 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 9965 |
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gellick
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| Joined: 03 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 11515 |
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| 11 Jun 2012 02:00 AM |
| I didnt expect it to actually be good, I mean I just got bored, wikied things, wrote a story about them not really spending to much time on it out of bordum. |
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