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Re: lord of the onion rings

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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
25 Jan 2012 09:22 PM
CHAPTER VUN

one day, frodo baggins was just walking around his home town of the shire. but he noticed that strange creatures with long ears putting up a building. so he decided to go talk to the foreigners.
"hey elves, what are you doing here?" he inquired.
"we're building a McElfdalds," said the elves. "we were forced to flee from our home so we built our family chain here."
"what do you sell?" asked frodo. he really didn't know what they were talking about.
"you don't know what we're talking about?" inquired a female elf. "McElfdalds is a chain of inns that sell delicious and easy to make food for the convenience of travelers and cooks!" she said almost robotically.
frodo looked skeptical. "i'll believe it when i see it," he said. "nice seeing some elves in town."

so then it turned out to be his uncle bilbo's birthday. "dude frodo, i am supposed to be 110," he said, "but i'm actually about your age. does this make sense to you? it's like i'll never be old or anything."
"cool uncle bil," said frodo. "why is that?"
"because i have an onion ring from the most adventurous of adventures that i took when i was about your - oh wait, i am your age. anyway it's a magic ring that slows your age but also makes you..."
"what?"
well bilbo was slipping the greasy ring off his impossibly young finger. and then as he said that he had a stroke and turned to dust.

END CHAPTER VUN
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
25 Jan 2012 09:32 PM
CHAPTER DOO

frodo was sad that his uncle was dead but he always kind of hated him for being able to go on an adventure with cool dwarves so he was a little morbidly pleased. he put the fried ring on his finger. it burned a little because it was so hot. but then there was a resounding knock on bilbo's former door.
it was GANDALF and he was a wizard man. impossibly tall. impossibly old. also impossibly... forget it i'll tell you later. anyway he came in with a hearty smile and was going to congratulate old/young bilbo for his 110th birthday or whatever when he noticed the pile of bilbo-like dust.
"hey dude is that bilbo?" he asked
"yeah"
"bummer"
so gandalf took the ashes and threw them into the fire. then he noticed the onion ring.
"hey frodo i know where your uncle got that. want me to tell you a radical story about its secret origin"
"but then it won't be a secret :("
"i don't care, this is important," he said. "once upon a time there was a very very very very very very very fat elf."
"was he as fat as-" but frodo was cut off again by gandalf!!!!!
"anyway, he was tired of eating regular fast food. so he called upon a minor chef. his name, dude, i can't say it now but he was pretty cool back then. so this guy made the most delicious stuff, i even had some once. so he made for this elfy dude:
'one burger to fill them,
one smoothie to buy them,
one onion to keep them in oil and fry them'
and the elf took one sip of the smoothie and passed out from the sheer amount of sugar. the other foods were scattered across the globe. bilbo (that poor young but old guy) stole this onion ring from this crotchety old fella named gollum and then he gave it to you."
"so what does it do other than making me young?" asked frodo.
"it can make you..." and then gandalf fell asleep because the sheer girth of the situation was overwhelming and there aren't any fans in the shire even on hot days.

END OF CHAPTER DOO
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
25 Jan 2012 09:42 PM
CHAPTER TREE

so frodo was pretty angry because no one ever told him the OTHER SECRET of the onion ring. so frodo decided to get his merry band of troublemakers together for the gaffs and go find this morbidly obese elf. his friends included merry, pippin, and samwise. merry was a pretty cool guy and laid back. pippin was on edge a lot. sam was just old sam, simple minded and happy. and they all met a few days later at the new Elfdonalds.
so they were all sitting at a table ordering mugs of frothy grease. frodo had a lemonade.
"so where are we headed?" asked pips.
"i don't know, wherever 'Rivendeli' is," said Frodo. He didn't even have a map. How's that for an adventure, old sport?
Sam then said, "It's okay, we can ask the elves for directions." So they did.
the elves were like "you don't want to go there any more." they were talking about some idiotic shadowy beings who were taking over and looking for the onion ring. suddenly frodo was scared.
"I don't think we should do this, after all, we can just give them it," said Merry.
"no way, man. i can be young forever and watch everyone die," replied frodo rashly.
dude frodo what is his problem? anyway they set off and trespassed in an angry farmer's yard but quickly got to a cool forest.
HOWEVER
there were some shadowy guys walking down the path. contrary to several characters in this story, they were very limber and strong. frodo and co had to hide because these strange men were probably evil and they rode on very very bony and half starved horses.
sam looked at frodo. "i don't even know who they are and i already want to beg for mercy at their semi-coherent feet."

END CHAPTER TREE
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ScaryZombie is not online. ScaryZombie
Joined: 22 May 2008
Total Posts: 5468
25 Jan 2012 09:45 PM
The title of this thread reminds me of an Annoying Orange picture.
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
25 Jan 2012 09:47 PM
oh gosh i cant forget that one
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
07 Feb 2012 03:17 PM
CHAPDA POUR

so frodo and co. decided that they had to go through a dumb forest to get to the elves. this forest was not very dumb, though, because the trees in it were actually kind of intelligent. so they found the biggest tree eventually and it started to tear at their flesh with its branches.
"How do we get out of this metaphorical pickle?" asked Frodo.
"I DON'T KNOW AAAAA" said Samwise as the tree tried to rip at the delicious, juicy hobbit rib platter.
So then a man who was indescribably moreso than everyone else came playing a flute made from several french fries and singing. through his merry songs he introduced his mass as "TOM BOMBYDILL."
he then swept away the awashed hobbitmans and took them to his MANOR OF THE GOLDEN ARCH. There they stayed for days, eating and singing with his happy although more elf-y wife and he. but FRODO did not want to eat. he was too worried about the effects of the onion ring. "BOY," said TOM BOMBYDILL. "YOU NEED TO EAT OR YOU'LL START LOOKING MALNUTRITIOUS!" FRODO HEARING THE WILD CALL OF NOT EATING tom'S FOOD WENT OUTSIDE AND STRIPPED AT THE BARK OF THE TREES FOR SOME WORMS BUT THE WORMS WERE PRETTY SO HE STOPPED AND ATE SOME GRASS BUT IT TOO WAS. frodo was afraid. there was NOTHING to eat that wasn't. TOM BOMBADIL. fertilizer. CERTIFIED.

EEEEND UF CHAPPA FO
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GODSDJ is not online. GODSDJ
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 4722
08 Feb 2012 07:42 PM
There taking the hobbits to burger-kinggard!
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
06 May 2012 02:26 AM
i refuse to let this die. read again, grasshoppers.
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
06 May 2012 02:40 AM
CHUPTR FIV

So as everyone watched Frodo's screaming fit they all had some more grease pies. samwise was not one to be unworried.
"why is frodo slamming his head against that tree?" he asked. frodo was actually doing this.

"well," said tom bombydell, "your friend there is obviously in need of some real food. he has a sickness, you see, let me sing a song about it!" but before he could break out his fryflute, frodo ran in the house and was very frustrated.

"why don't i get any breaks?" asked frodo hamgrily. "all i want is to know how the onion ring works and then go home and live forever or whatever the second one is."

"well this onion ring here," said tom, "is extreemely magical. i'd say it was fried in the deepest of volcanoes. clearly you have the onion ring. best be careful. McElfdalds has been increasingly persistent. i have no need for their elven batter, mind you!" he then took a bite of processed chicken and spat out a tendon.

"how do you even -" frodo was interrupted by his companions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pippin said, "so where do we have to go to get to McElfdalds headquarters??"

tom bombydil looked surprised. "you mean rivendeli? that isn't tooooo far from here, but first you need to go to a human town. i know that it is too dangerous for morbidly girthful hobbits like you."

"where!!!!!!!!???????????" yelled merry. he was getting impatient too.

"just go west, and follow your digestive tracts," said tom with an air of girthly wisdom.

after bidding farewell to the fair fast food farmers, they headed in that very same direction on their little horses, and found the town! but they did espy some thin figures peering from under shadowy masks...

END OG CHPtE 5ve
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
07 May 2012 06:48 PM
read this.
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PlutonianShore is not online. PlutonianShore
Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 2204
07 May 2012 06:53 PM
This is like a horrible version for toddlers who suffer from Down Syndrome mixed with an Ukinojoe parody.
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
10 May 2012 09:02 PM
no it's clearly a work of higher literature


it's about peer pressure and obesity CLEARLY
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dralion is not online. dralion
Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 17440
10 May 2012 09:11 PM
clearly indeed.

indeed.
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Will20 is not online. Will20
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Total Posts: 7912
11 May 2012 09:38 AM
This is the best book ever written by Baman and Piderman.
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Catstorm is not online. Catstorm
Joined: 26 Jun 2007
Total Posts: 11015
11 May 2012 07:37 PM
i need to write more i know
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