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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 05:41 PM
Here's a scene OT:

“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper. “Seems as though the president has asked you to his ball… why?” I comment as I read over the paper. His grins again, “He invited me because I save him from his death”. I gasp, Hayden, a hero? “Really?” I ask in awe. Hayden starts chuckling at me, “No I just happened to break his fall when he slipped off the plaza steps”. I can see Hayden admiring my smile as I try to hold back from laughter. “Lovely” I say through several breaths. As I look back at Hayden, he starts to rock back and forth on his feet with his cheeks going slightly pink. I can tell he feels uncomfortable, but then he grins at me again. “I was going to ask you to come with me, but seeing you dressed so oddly have made me reconsider, Velouria”. “I stayed home the whole day; you know I usually dress better!” I protest. One of the only reasons I wanted to go to the Ball was because I knew I would never get another chance. It would also be interesting to see how ridiculous to see the upper-class dressed. As I turn to finish reading the paper, he returns to finishing his tea. Dropping his tea cup, he leaves the room quickly. What a typical Hayden exit I think. "See you around 7 tomorrow" he calls to me as he rushes out the door forgetting his silk jacket.

---

Hayden = Velouria's best friend
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swimguy777 is not online. swimguy777
Joined: 30 May 2009
Total Posts: 17092
30 Mar 2012 05:42 PM
“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper. <---- Comma, not a period.

-[::ƧѡÎḾḠΰῩ::]-[::Maker of stuff and Helper of Scripting::]-
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 05:43 PM
^Thanks, I'll go make the edit right away
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 05:45 PM
Bump
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swimguy777 is not online. swimguy777
Joined: 30 May 2009
Total Posts: 17092
30 Mar 2012 05:45 PM
Here, I fixed a bunch of punctuation errors.

“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper, “seems as though the president has asked you to his ball… why?”, I comment as I read over the paper. He grins again, “He invited me because I saved him from his death”. I gasp, Hayden, a hero? “Really?” I ask in awe. Hayden starts chuckling at me, “No I just happened to break his fall when he slipped off the plaza steps”. I can see Hayden admiring my smile as I try to hold back from laughter. “Lovely” I say through several breaths. As I look back at Hayden, he starts to rock back and forth on his feet with his cheeks going slightly pink. I can tell he feels uncomfortable, but then he grins at me again. “I was going to ask you to come with me, but seeing you dressed so oddly have made me reconsider, Velouria”. “I stayed home the whole day; you know I usually dress better!” I protest. One of the only reasons I wanted to go to the Ball was because I knew I would never get another chance. It would also be interesting to see how ridiculous the upper-class dressed. As I turn to finish reading the paper, he returns to finishing his tea. Dropping his tea cup, he leaves the room quickly. What a typical Hayden exit I think. "See you around 7 tomorrow" he calls to me as he rushes out the door forgetting his silk jacket.

-[::ƧѡÎḾḠΰῩ::]-[::Maker of stuff and Helper of Scripting::]-
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 05:46 PM
@Swim

Very thoughtful of you! *claps*
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 05:49 PM
Any thoughts on the writing?
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:26 PM
^
ANY?
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MangoJack is not online. MangoJack
Joined: 08 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 12108
30 Mar 2012 06:28 PM
i didn't read because i thought it would be one of those annoying romance books with idiot teens in it.

:-|
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ferboterbo is not online. ferboterbo
Joined: 08 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 17818
30 Mar 2012 06:29 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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mew400 is not online. mew400
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 23518
30 Mar 2012 06:30 PM
Not only the errors he pointed out, but please remember to put a new paragraph when there's a new speaker.

It's hard to tell who's saying what otherwise.

And so many people do that.
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MangoJack is not online. MangoJack
Joined: 08 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 12108
30 Mar 2012 06:30 PM
@fertobo

"too fudging"

"fudging"

AAAAAAAWHH YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE STUPID TEENAGERS WHO THINK SUBSTITUTING WORDS WITH FOODS IS CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHH

and if you can't read that, you must be in first grade.

:-)
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:31 PM
Thanks Mango, for your input

---

It's not a romance book though, it has those parts just to get teenage girls to read it :3

It's an adventure book :3

This is the part where they come to the ball... but they get lost and find _____________ which then leads to something which leads to the _________ hunting them down.
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Imagin8tion is not online. Imagin8tion
Joined: 04 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 5269
30 Mar 2012 06:31 PM
Pretty good. Hope it gets published!
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:32 PM
@Mew

We have to do that in school, I just left it out since with other books I didn't see it. Thanks anyways, I'll fix that part
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:34 PM
@Im

I like your response
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MangoJack is not online. MangoJack
Joined: 08 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 12108
30 Mar 2012 06:35 PM
now that i read it,

...

not bad.

:-0
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ImOnABoatLolGone is not online. ImOnABoatLolGone
Joined: 25 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 4264
30 Mar 2012 06:37 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:39 PM
:o This isn't my start, this is a random part I decieded to pull out

Thanks for your opinion ImOnABoatLolGone
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:41 PM
Ladela
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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
30 Mar 2012 06:46 PM
It sounds better if you read it out-loud


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angryMrFluffy is not online. angryMrFluffy
Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 3946
31 Mar 2012 11:40 AM
bump
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mew400 is not online. mew400
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Total Posts: 23518
31 Mar 2012 05:36 PM
Don't see it in other books?

Then somethings wrong with the author's of the books you read. I see it all the time.
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