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| 30 Mar 2012 05:41 PM |
Here's a scene OT:
“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper. “Seems as though the president has asked you to his ball… why?” I comment as I read over the paper. His grins again, “He invited me because I save him from his death”. I gasp, Hayden, a hero? “Really?” I ask in awe. Hayden starts chuckling at me, “No I just happened to break his fall when he slipped off the plaza steps”. I can see Hayden admiring my smile as I try to hold back from laughter. “Lovely” I say through several breaths. As I look back at Hayden, he starts to rock back and forth on his feet with his cheeks going slightly pink. I can tell he feels uncomfortable, but then he grins at me again. “I was going to ask you to come with me, but seeing you dressed so oddly have made me reconsider, Velouria”. “I stayed home the whole day; you know I usually dress better!” I protest. One of the only reasons I wanted to go to the Ball was because I knew I would never get another chance. It would also be interesting to see how ridiculous to see the upper-class dressed. As I turn to finish reading the paper, he returns to finishing his tea. Dropping his tea cup, he leaves the room quickly. What a typical Hayden exit I think. "See you around 7 tomorrow" he calls to me as he rushes out the door forgetting his silk jacket.
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Hayden = Velouria's best friend |
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| 30 Mar 2012 05:42 PM |
“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper. <---- Comma, not a period.
-[::ƧѡÎḾḠΰῩ::]-[::Maker of stuff and Helper of Scripting::]- |
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| 30 Mar 2012 05:43 PM |
| ^Thanks, I'll go make the edit right away |
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| 30 Mar 2012 05:45 PM |
Here, I fixed a bunch of punctuation errors.
“This” he exclaims as he hands me the paper, “seems as though the president has asked you to his ball… why?”, I comment as I read over the paper. He grins again, “He invited me because I saved him from his death”. I gasp, Hayden, a hero? “Really?” I ask in awe. Hayden starts chuckling at me, “No I just happened to break his fall when he slipped off the plaza steps”. I can see Hayden admiring my smile as I try to hold back from laughter. “Lovely” I say through several breaths. As I look back at Hayden, he starts to rock back and forth on his feet with his cheeks going slightly pink. I can tell he feels uncomfortable, but then he grins at me again. “I was going to ask you to come with me, but seeing you dressed so oddly have made me reconsider, Velouria”. “I stayed home the whole day; you know I usually dress better!” I protest. One of the only reasons I wanted to go to the Ball was because I knew I would never get another chance. It would also be interesting to see how ridiculous the upper-class dressed. As I turn to finish reading the paper, he returns to finishing his tea. Dropping his tea cup, he leaves the room quickly. What a typical Hayden exit I think. "See you around 7 tomorrow" he calls to me as he rushes out the door forgetting his silk jacket.
-[::ƧѡÎḾḠΰῩ::]-[::Maker of stuff and Helper of Scripting::]- |
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| 30 Mar 2012 05:46 PM |
@Swim
Very thoughtful of you! *claps*
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| 30 Mar 2012 05:49 PM |
| Any thoughts on the writing? |
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MangoJack
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| Joined: 08 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 12108 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:28 PM |
i didn't read because i thought it would be one of those annoying romance books with idiot teens in it.
:-| |
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mew400
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| Joined: 16 Sep 2008 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:30 PM |
Not only the errors he pointed out, but please remember to put a new paragraph when there's a new speaker.
It's hard to tell who's saying what otherwise.
And so many people do that. |
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MangoJack
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| Joined: 08 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 12108 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:30 PM |
@fertobo
"too fudging"
"fudging"
AAAAAAAWHH YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE STUPID TEENAGERS WHO THINK SUBSTITUTING WORDS WITH FOODS IS CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHH
and if you can't read that, you must be in first grade.
:-) |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:31 PM |
Thanks Mango, for your input
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It's not a romance book though, it has those parts just to get teenage girls to read it :3
It's an adventure book :3
This is the part where they come to the ball... but they get lost and find _____________ which then leads to something which leads to the _________ hunting them down. |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:31 PM |
| Pretty good. Hope it gets published! |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:32 PM |
@Mew
We have to do that in school, I just left it out since with other books I didn't see it. Thanks anyways, I'll fix that part |
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MangoJack
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| Joined: 08 Dec 2011 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:35 PM |
now that i read it,
...
not bad.
:-0 |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:39 PM |
:o This isn't my start, this is a random part I decieded to pull out
Thanks for your opinion ImOnABoatLolGone |
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| 30 Mar 2012 06:46 PM |
It sounds better if you read it out-loud
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mew400
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| Joined: 16 Sep 2008 |
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| 31 Mar 2012 05:36 PM |
Don't see it in other books?
Then somethings wrong with the author's of the books you read. I see it all the time. |
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