killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:06 PM |
| I woke one dreadful morn. I could hear the soldiers marching off to war. I knew I would never be going with them. Then out of the blue a small troop broke through my door. I was thoroughly shocked. I yell “What is the meaning of this?” But then I fell to the floor in pain I think I was hit by an arrow. “Trigos!”(For all of you who do not know Trigos means forsaken warrior.) is what I think aloud so that they can hear me and they begin to laugh. Then I see it the mark of the holy. Then I just stare with disbelief at them as I bleed out on the floor. Wait I’m not bleeding. They must have hit me with a club of some kind but I think it may be the type of weapon authorities’ use on criminals so they don’t kill them when they fight. Well I come to and realize I’m in a cell. I’m wondering what is happening. Then as if on cue a guard walks in and explains what is happening. The guard walks over and sits in a chair that is adjacent to my cell. He says “If you have plans for escape forget em.”Then I reply “never crossed my mind.” He continues about how I better behave and not cause any trouble with the other inmates. Then he finally gets to the part why I’m here he tells me that “you crossed the order of the silver flame” I can’t help but let out a chuckle “Like that is going to permit a house raid?” I counter. He leaves muttering something about the gallows. I search the cell for something I can use to escape. Right before I give up hope of escape I see something metallic flicker in the torchlight. I walk over and see a small silver nob I pull it and then there it is my ticket out. A silver key and a dagger is what I find in the box. I search the box for a sign of a deity and only find a flaming blade. I have never learned anything about a god with that symbol but I will take it that all deities I now know want me died for reason I do not understand. I know better than to let everyone out. Some of these people are actual criminals. I can’t discriminate them so I leave them all better no insane people on the streets than a few innocent and a few insane fewer deaths that way. I see a guard to my luck he is facing another guard this makes my task easy. They are face to face in a conversation. I sneak up behind the first one I wench his weapon from his sheath I guess he didn’t notice. Then I take my dagger and slit his throat the other guard is shocked by the blood spraying in his face and I cover his mouth and impale him with his friend’s sword. With the threat gone I steal their armor and cover their god’s insignia with blood showing I’m against their god I shall forever be in their wrath but who cares? I mean this new god seems to favor me more than any of the ones I know of. Then as I leave the hall I see a sword fall its flaming so I rush over to it and ask for help because around seven of the silver flames men have surrounded me. Then as if answering my call the sword lifts off the ground it is as light as a feather then I realize that this is a god of war. I see what he is telling me to do. It’s as if he’s telling me in person “Kill these men for their crimes against the order of the universe.” I hold the blade I a pose to try to intimidate but they see the flame as a sign that their victory is secure but how wrong are they? I swing at the first guard who charges and this godly blade slices through him like a hot knife through butter. Blood sprays everywhere and the others are backing off now so I charge. The first guard tries to block with his sword but my sword cuts it clean in half just like him. The rest are now in full panic they rush off in random directions. This reaction only brings me to insane laughter at seeing these corrupt so called “heroes” being scared to death. It makes me respect my favored deity even more for we think alike. Then I chase all of the cowards sown and kill them one by one. Then I see the blade light up as if it has recognized me as an ally after this task. And as if it was a reflection of a fire the word tempus appears on the blade then I know who my god is. |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:07 PM |
one giant paragraph
didnt read |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:12 PM |
| ..... why comment if you didn't read >.< |
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alissa424
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| Joined: 20 May 2008 |
| Total Posts: 708 |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:15 PM |
| if your gonna troll go some were else...... |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:17 PM |
| all i want is advice on how to make the story better. so no insults please. |
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alissa424
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| Joined: 20 May 2008 |
| Total Posts: 708 |
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skyarex
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| Joined: 21 Mar 2010 |
| Total Posts: 12989 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:25 PM |
Dude. Do. Not. Wright. Blocks. Of. Texts.
Paragraphs exist for a reason. |
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Stories
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| Joined: 15 Mar 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2511 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:35 PM |
Hey, my forte is language arts so let me help you a bit.
Main issues:
-It needs organization. Use paragraphs!
-Quotations during dialog.
-If you are going to use old timey words, don't only use them once or twice. Keep them consistent.
-Punctuation
-Spelling and usage
-Needs a better story
-Descriptive words
k |
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dansedit
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| Joined: 18 Jun 2011 |
| Total Posts: 745 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:36 PM |
>8 posts >horrible grammar >horrible trolling >worst story ever GET OUT |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:37 PM |
| Thank you stories ill edit it and post it again. |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:45 PM |
Tips:
-Make paragraphs! (3 sentences, no more, no less) - Better description - Describe transitions more clearly, I can't really understand what happens - Try to give better details on the important things, for example, you spent more time focusing on the man who was bleeding, rather then the weapon. I think the readers would find the main subjects more interesting - Better word choice, please don't take this into offense, this is constructive criticism, but my sister is in fourth grade and uses better vocabulary then you. -Don't try to go into to much detail, details are wonderful but when to much is used a reader may get bored and stop reading - Don't describe the environment or setting exactly - If this is supposed to be a kids book ( which I suggest it should, to young adults or adults this wouldn't be as interesting) try using smaller word choice. I am not saying you should use kindergarten words, I am just saying to simplify your vocabulary. ___________________________________________________________________________
Over all it's a great story. Keep it up, you could be a great writer with some practice. |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:53 PM |
| thanks i will take this into count as i edit |
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thej10
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| Joined: 20 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 207 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:56 PM |
| everyone who's complaining SHUT UP!!!!!! |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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thej10
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| Joined: 20 Dec 2011 |
| Total Posts: 207 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 04:59 PM |
| Great story,just a few errors but no paragraphs |
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 05:53 PM |
I woke this morning with a feel of dread. I look around my house it is as boring as ever. The fire is dying so I get up to feed it. I could hear the soldiers marching off to war. I knew I would never be going with them. I mean really a simple blacksmith? I mean I’ve trained a little with the weapons I create.
Then out of the blue a small troop broke through my door. I was thoroughly shocked. I yell “What is the meaning of this?” But then I fall to the floor in pain I think I was hit by an arrow! “Trigos!”(For all of you who do not know Trigos means forsaken warrior.) is what I think aloud so that they can hear me. They begin to laugh.
Then I see it the mark of the holy. Then I just stare with disbelief at them as I bleed out on the floor. Wait I’m not bleeding. They must have hit me with a club of some kind. I think it may be the type of weapon authorities’ use on criminals so they don’t kill them when they fight.
Well I come to and realize I’m in a cell. I’m wondering what is happening. Then as if on cue a guard walks in and explains what is happening. The guard walks over and sits in a chair that is adjacent to my cell.
He says “If you have plans for escape forget em.”Then I reply “never crossed my mind.” He continues about how I better behave and not cause any trouble with the other inmates. Then he finally gets to the part why I’m here he tells me that “you crossed the order of the silver flame” I can’t help but let out a chuckle “Like that is going to permit a house raid?” I counter. He leaves muttering something about the gallows. I search the cell for something I can use to escape. As I observe the cell I see it has hay scattered everywhere as if it was through around by some sort of farm animal. Right before I give up hope of escape I see something metallic flicker in the torchlight.
I walk over and see a small silver nob I pull it and then there it is my ticket out. I find a silver key and a dagger in the box. I search the box for a sign of a deity and only find a flaming blade. I have never learned anything about a god with that symbol. But from what I understand all deities that I know of now want me died for reasons I do not understand.
The room is dimly lit and there are seven cells not counting mine and there are people pleading for help as I flee the room. I know better than to let everyone out. Some of these people are actual criminals. I can’t discriminate them so I leave them all better no insane people on the streets than a few innocent and a few insane fewer deaths that way.
As I walk down the hall it divides into a room and in the intersection I see a guard and to my luck he is facing another guard this makes my task all the easier. They are face to face in a conversation. I think I hear one mention something about a wild dog pack attacking a nearby village. I sneak up behind the first one I wench his weapon from his sheath. I guess he didn’t notice. Then I take my dagger and slit his throat the other guard is shocked by the blood spraying in his face and I cover his mouth and impale him with his friend’s sword.
With the threat gone I steal their armor and cover their god’s insignia with blood showing I’m disgracing their god. I will always be under this wrath but who cares? I mean this new god seems to favor me more than any of the ones I know of.
Then as I leave the hall into what I take as a cathedral it is lit by to my amazement silver flames! I see a sword fall through on of the windows in the ceiling it’s flaming (to be more exact it’s exactly like the blade on the box) so I rush over to it but before I get there I see people surrounding it about seven men give or take. As I reach it I say “Lend me your power my benefactor so I may repay you!”
The seven or so men of the silver flame have surrounded me. Then as if answering my call the sword lifts off the ground it is as light as a feather then I realize that this god who lends me his favor is a god of war.
I see what he is telling me to do. It’s as if he’s telling me in person “Kill these men for their crimes against the order of the universe.” I hold the blade in a intimidating pose to try to unnerve them but they see the flame as a sign that their victory is secure but how wrong are they?
I swing at the first guard who charges and this godly blade slices through him like a hot knife through butter. Blood sprays everywhere and the others are backing off now and some of them are hiding behind columns. The second guard tries to block with his sword but my sword cuts it clean in half just like him.
The rest are now in full panic they rush off in random directions. This reaction only brings me to insane laughter. Just seeing them seeing these corrupt so called “heroes” being scared to death is enough to bring me to a point of hysterical laughter. It makes me respect my favored deity even more for we think alike.
Then I chase all of the cowards down and kill them one by one. The weak and pathetic warriors are at the point of begging for their live it makes me pity them for their weakness in the face of death. The last guy is so unbelievable I try to make his death more agonizing than everyone else’s. Then I see the blade light up as if it has recognized me as an ally after this task. As if it was a reflection of a fire the word Tempus appears on the blade then I know who my lord is.
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killbot42
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| Joined: 14 Apr 2009 |
| Total Posts: 17 |
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| 07 Mar 2012 05:56 PM |
| If you cant say something constructive don't say anything at all. |
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