Boeing717
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| Joined: 08 Jun 2008 |
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| 13 Feb 2012 03:44 PM |
| In 2020, NASA had landed a spacecraft on Europa. As the probe hit the ice, they breathlessly watched as it went through the program, drilling through the ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back. |
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Zakro
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| Joined: 03 Jan 2012 |
| Total Posts: 32501 |
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| 13 Feb 2012 03:46 PM |
If your story is 1 Paragraph give up.
7.5/10.
Meh... |
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| 13 Feb 2012 03:47 PM |
In 2020, NASA had landed a spacecraft on Europa. As the probe hit the ice, they breathlessly watched as it went through the program, drilling through the ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.
I like the assonance between "inky blackness" and "murky darkness" |
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Boeing717
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| 13 Feb 2012 04:49 PM |
athena
I hadn't been thinking of it, actually I don't think that was added until rather late in the editing. |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:03 PM |
| that was wonderful, great plot development and character development, and i enjoyed the sense of the liminal process |
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Boeing717
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:04 PM |
chaos
Do you think the prose is too beige? |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:07 PM |
i don't think it was, although i would appreciate a bit of purple prose
even just 1 word would work |
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Boeing717
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:09 PM |
2020: NASA's probe reaches Europa. As the probe hit the ice of the moon, they breathlessly watched as it went through its program, drilling through the pack ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.
First sentence was rather poor, I felt. So, I changed it and added some more details. Have I improved it or made it worse? |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:10 PM |
i think it is improved
especially because they watched breathlessly
and they wouldnt be able to breathe on Europa
very clever |
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Boeing717
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:16 PM |
2020: NASA's probe reaches Europa. Forty minutes after the probe hit the ice of the moon, they got the radiation distorted footage. Drilling the surface, it fell through. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.
Now it is entirely scientifically accurate. Hard science fiction/cosmic horror story in only 50 words. I think this is the best modification to it yet. |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:19 PM |
Your similes are very nice
~nascarfan73 |
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Boeing717
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| Joined: 08 Jun 2008 |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:43 PM |
nascar
I found my similes to be rather lacking. |
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shadow97
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| Joined: 03 Sep 2007 |
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| 13 Feb 2012 05:44 PM |
| Favorite OTer, I don't need to critique your story. |
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Boeing717
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| Total Posts: 70007 |
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| 13 Feb 2012 07:16 PM |
| This is my magnum opus. At least it is until I write another one that I will think is better. |
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