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Re: Guys, please critique my story.

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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
Top 25 Poster
Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 03:44 PM
In 2020, NASA had landed a spacecraft on Europa. As the probe hit the ice, they breathlessly watched as it went through the program, drilling through the ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.
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Zakro is not online. Zakro
Joined: 03 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 32501
13 Feb 2012 03:45 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Applejackerz is not online. Applejackerz
Joined: 06 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 64
13 Feb 2012 03:46 PM
If your story is 1 Paragraph give up.

7.5/10.

Meh...
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Athenablue7 is not online. Athenablue7
Joined: 10 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 263
13 Feb 2012 03:47 PM
In 2020, NASA had landed a spacecraft on Europa. As the probe hit the ice, they breathlessly watched as it went through the program, drilling through the ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.

I like the assonance between "inky blackness" and "murky darkness"
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 04:49 PM
athena

I hadn't been thinking of it, actually I don't think that was added until rather late in the editing.
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HiGuiseItsChaos16 is not online. HiGuiseItsChaos16
Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 1517
13 Feb 2012 05:03 PM
that was wonderful, great plot development and character development, and i enjoyed the sense of the liminal process
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 05:04 PM
chaos

Do you think the prose is too beige?
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HiGuiseItsChaos16 is not online. HiGuiseItsChaos16
Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 1517
13 Feb 2012 05:07 PM
i don't think it was, although i would appreciate a bit of purple prose

even just 1 word would work
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 05:09 PM
2020: NASA's probe reaches Europa. As the probe hit the ice of the moon, they breathlessly watched as it went through its program, drilling through the pack ice. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.

First sentence was rather poor, I felt. So, I changed it and added some more details. Have I improved it or made it worse?
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HiGuiseItsChaos16 is not online. HiGuiseItsChaos16
Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 1517
13 Feb 2012 05:10 PM
i think it is improved

especially because they watched breathlessly

and they wouldnt be able to breathe on Europa

very clever
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 05:16 PM
2020: NASA's probe reaches Europa. Forty minutes after the probe hit the ice of the moon, they got the radiation distorted footage. Drilling the surface, it fell through. As it drifted, they stared into the inky blackness of the water. They had failed to see the murky darkness looking back.


Now it is entirely scientifically accurate. Hard science fiction/cosmic horror story in only 50 words. I think this is the best modification to it yet.
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TheCountdown is not online. TheCountdown
Joined: 25 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 1727
13 Feb 2012 05:19 PM
Your similes are very nice

~nascarfan73
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 05:43 PM
nascar

I found my similes to be rather lacking.
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shadow97 is not online. shadow97
Joined: 03 Sep 2007
Total Posts: 42693
13 Feb 2012 05:44 PM
Favorite OTer, I don't need to critique your story.
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Boeing717 is not online. Boeing717
Top 25 Poster
Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 70007
13 Feb 2012 07:16 PM
This is my magnum opus. At least it is until I write another one that I will think is better.
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