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| 20 Jan 2012 11:17 PM |
I untied my jacket from my waste. For once I was glad the blue and black pattered jacket was with me. I zipped it up tight around my waist. Shoving the hood over my head, my chattering teeth started to die down, then silence. Jamming my hands in my pockets and ignoring the sirens in the distance, I took a deep breath considering what I was going to do. As I blew out the air, it turned a misty white and faded into the night sky. It reminded me painfully about the decision I had to make. Tucking my long light brown hair into my hood, I jaywalked across the street, looking both ways. I stared at the entrance of the warehouse. Instinctively I fingered the cash in my pocket, mentally counting in my head “10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100.” Putting on a look of I don’t care on my slightly tanned face, and trying to make myself look less nervous then I was, I slowly pushed open the door. I peered in, saw what I was looking for, and before I could hesitate, I walked in.
What do you think? |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:19 PM |
Check the first sentence.
~The Official OT Scout~ |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:20 PM |
I LOVED THE FIRST SENTENCE THEN WITH WENT DOWNHILL |
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webkinz22
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| Joined: 07 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7454 |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:21 PM |
More please. I'm seriouz.
#~When I see bananas, it's all over~ |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:22 PM |
*sigh*
I'll have a friend pre-read it then. :P
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:23 PM |
@Webkinz
You enjoy reading I take it?
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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webkinz22
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| Joined: 07 Jun 2009 |
| Total Posts: 7454 |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:25 PM |
I really enjoyed reading it. It left me with a feeling of being confused and wanting more.
#~When I see bananas, it's all over~ |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:25 PM |
Go on. It seems promising. Also, what grade? I hate my English class, only analytical writings... |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:28 PM |
8th
I am currently writing a new paragraph.
Truthfully, I was not expect any positive outlook on this
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:31 PM |
>8th
I see. If your school system's anything like mine, 9th's english class SUCKS. I mean, you read decent stories, but unless you like analyzing it... |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:35 PM |
Here is the next one.
Seeing the older man dressed in a grey running jacket and sagging jeans I walked over. His beard hung down over the top of his coat, a yellow stain over the salt and pepper beard. It smelled strongly of smoke. I realized then how hard it was for asthmatics to breathe after a run. Braving the horrid smell, I walked through the dank warehouse, the ground covered in sand soil. I almost considered going back…but realizing what was at stake I pushed on. The old man cackled when he first saw me in the dank lighting, “First time, eh? You’ll get used to it, they always do. Have my hundred dollars cash?” I hesitantly pulled the money out of my pocket and handed it to him. The man pulled out a bag of white powdery stuff, and handed it to me gingerly. With an amused look on his face he said to me “Get on jitters, and I expect to see you soon. One snort of that and you’ll want more kid.” I nodded fast and hightailed out. Even after that being my second time, trust me, it did NOT get better. I put the small Ziploc bag in my jacket pocket and headed westward, where I started…Where it started.
:3 The next paragraph will probably throw you off a bit.
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:38 PM |
Woah. Uh, it's good so far, but I DON'T think a school would approve a crack dealer in a story. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:42 PM |
Seeing as I know what happens next, my teacher will let it slide. :)
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:48 PM |
Next paragraph.
Jogging now, as I did not want to be in the man’s presence, I crossed the road on Pike Avenue and sprinted 3 more blocks, and came across a squadron car. The smog coming out of the tail pipe blew into my face. Coughing, I asked for Officer Blake. A man with some stubble of a mustache and black combed over hair with a police hat sitting on it smiled at me. “Did you get it? Did he suspect a thing?” Laughing now that the experience was over, I handed him the bag, and he secured it in an evidence bag. The kind officer patted me on the back, saying, “Good work kiddo.” Seeing the man’s genuinely concerned face, it brought back the memory of when I had started it all. I had been an average 9th grader at Whitman High, when a drug dog walked in. I saw one of my best friends, busted for drugs. Not wanting to ever have to go through watching them being hauled off in a police squadron and later taken to rehab, I asked the officer there if there was ANYTHING I could do. He told me I could. Astonished I asked what it was. He told me there was a program, he thought about starting. Kids, being less suspected than adults, would fit perfectly. I would be the first to try it out. He told me in simple terms, what I was to do. You see, whenever the police got notified there was a drug dealer nearby, I would be told. We would find where it is, and I would go, and see if it was a real dealer. I would go, and see how serious the drugs where. Officer Blake, would give me about one hundred dollars in cash, I then, would go and retrieve the drugs, playing an addicted high school student. Officer Blake, would then take the drugs to the evidence locker, and they would bust the buffoon. I’ve only done it twice, but the fear and exhilaration is worth it, it could keep some kids from being hooked.
Oyus, I put in a twist. :D
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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zorg626
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| Joined: 30 Mar 2009 |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:49 PM |
| I'm just saying, but you spelled waist wrong in the very first sentence. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:51 PM |
:P
Auto correct.
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 20 Jan 2012 11:57 PM |
Shall I continue writing?
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 21 Jan 2012 12:05 AM |
Bump. Shall I go further, or no?
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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Hello777
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| Joined: 25 Sep 2008 |
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| 21 Jan 2012 12:05 AM |
i admit,
its nice, as well as very detailed.
only problem is the small amount of spelling errors throughout the story. |
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| 21 Jan 2012 12:52 AM |
Yea, I am a HORRIBLE speller. My mom is pretty good though, I can ask her to proof read it
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 21 Jan 2012 01:08 AM |
| Put it through a spellchecker. |
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| 21 Jan 2012 08:34 AM |
This is after a spell checker
~There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot. |
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| 21 Jan 2012 09:48 PM |
Finally wrote more, here it is.
Snapping back into reality, I realized it was 9pm. My mom thought I was out with friends…if she ever knew what I was doing it would NOT be pretty! I told Officer Blake I had to run, he nodded at me and continued talking to Deputy Jake. I was about a mile from home. Grabbing the bike I had stashed behind a bush near-by I pedaled home as quickly as my legs could. Hopping off my bike, I wobbled a bit, my legs where very jelly like. I tiptoed in the front door, and shut it. Just my luck…my mom was home from bowling with friends, and watching TV. Sighing, and generally ready to wave a white flag, my mom heard me. She turned around, and smiled. “Sleep well?” she asked politely. Bewildered I stared at my mom, as I stammered she laughed. “I know you rode your bike, I figure that’s why you where late,” She pointed at the clock which read “9:07”. I thought to myself that must be a record. Realizing I was a bit short of breath, I went upstairs, checked my phone for texts, then crashed early. |
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| 22 Jan 2012 09:01 AM |
The story is EPIC!
I am teh epik penguin! |
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