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Re: I was bored so I made a story.

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Zane0407 is not online. Zane0407
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 1039
06 Jan 2012 06:44 PM
Tell me how you like it.

Nine-Toes sits on his black leather couch at a penthouse located high in the skies, on top of a
skyscraper. He has a K-8 Kukrov Russian assault rifle laying next to him and a .45 Sheperd in his
hand. A tall man walks in the room. He has tan skin, bright blue eyes, and short brown hair.
He proceeds to where Nine-Toes is sitting and opens his mouth to talk. Before he can, Nine-Toes
stops him. "I know. I hear them." Nine-Toes has a raspy, sort-of lizardy voice when he speaks. The
tall man nods and walks out of the room. Nine-Toes picks up his K-8 Kukrov and holsters his .45
Sheperd. He walks behind the couch and toward the elevator leading to the garage. He takes the elevator
down and hears gunfire as the elevator descends. Nine-Toes looks in the mirror built into the side of
the elevator to check his features. He has blue scaley skin, dark red hair, and yellowish-green
slit-pupil eyes, that of a cat. Just then, the doors open. Men dressed in purple with fluer-de-lis
symbols on their back at taking cover behind cars firing into the shadows of the garage. "Sir!" A
man Nine-Toes height (about 5-6 feet) runs towards him. "Sir, the Morningstar, they've- they've breached the garage!"
Nine-Toes brushes the man aside and begins firing into the darkness, where all you can see is
blood spraying, voices screaming, and bullets coming at you. He fires fully automatic 5.72mm rounds
from his K-8 Kukrov into the darkness. After the bullets stop flying, he reloads his weapon and
turns to the men defending the garage. "Looks like they're all gone, sir!" A man says. "Good," Nine-Toes
replies. "I want the garage half-locked down; only vehicles can go out, nothing can come in." The man nods
and goes to tell the other men. Nine-Toes returns to his penthouse where the tall man is waiting again.
Nine-Toes sighs and says, "What do you need?" The tall man smirks and says, "I am very proud to announce
that you have earned twenty million dollars off of the 24-carat gold!"
"Unmarked?" Nine-Toes asks. "Yes, sir," the man replies. "The unmarked ingots." Nine-Toes nods and the man lets himself out.

It's a little sketchy, but... I've been getting into Saint's Row: The Third recently, soooo...
THIS WAS BORN.

~I used to be an adventurer like you... until I took an arrow to the knee...~
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PRINCESSWOONA is not online. PRINCESSWOONA
Joined: 23 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 741
06 Jan 2012 06:44 PM
ur a noob dis stori suks
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toxic1vampire is not online. toxic1vampire
Joined: 18 May 2009
Total Posts: 8084
06 Jan 2012 06:46 PM
uhm

no

what if the reader doesn't know anything about guns.

exactly.

I really need to write a good story. This is shameful. BOY, WRITE MORE. WRITE MORE AND PRACTICE UNTIL YOUR FINGERS ARE RED FROM TYPING AND YOU ARE A LEGENDARY WRITER.

But not this.
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Zane0407 is not online. Zane0407
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 1039
06 Jan 2012 06:47 PM
EY. Ever read a story where it has something taking place in the middle first and then it's all leik, "(BOOK TITLE)" on a page and it goes to the beginning and explains everything?
YEEEEAAAH. I know I have.
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SierraTheGreat is not online. SierraTheGreat
Top 25 Poster
Joined: 02 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 39657
06 Jan 2012 06:48 PM
It is not grammatically correct to switch from a passive point of view to an active point of view in a single paragraph, so please revise the horrible, overused introduction style.
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Zane0407 is not online. Zane0407
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 1039
06 Jan 2012 06:49 PM
@Sierra

FUUUUUUU.
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toxic1vampire is not online. toxic1vampire
Joined: 18 May 2009
Total Posts: 8084
06 Jan 2012 06:50 PM
you mean a prologue?

This isn't a prologue, a prologue is more of a foreshadow. Either way, I kind of got lost.

I'm no awesome writer, but I know how to make writing look nicer.
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Zane0407 is not online. Zane0407
Joined: 13 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 1039
06 Jan 2012 06:50 PM
It's hard to explain. And besides, I was just messing around with Notepad. If I made a book out of this, you'd understand....
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toxic1vampire is not online. toxic1vampire
Joined: 18 May 2009
Total Posts: 8084
06 Jan 2012 06:54 PM
actually, I wouldn't

i still wouldn't get anything

describing certain things that happen to the characters later on is okay, but not describing the items they are using that are normal and won't spoil anything is pretty confusing
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