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Join the Army (Book) (Adventure, Mystery and Action)

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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
02 Jan 2012 06:12 PM
Book: Joining the Army

By: Victoria621

Chapter 1: The Shock!

Victoria woke up with a loud start, her loud alarm clock ringed. She pulled the plug out slowly. Then got up to have a nice hot shower. She then came out, dried her her the put on small shorts and a T-Shirt saying FEAR with a picture of her. Victoria wanted to join the army, the thing is; She can't. She is only 16 so she decides to join after School. Her Mother wants her to be a Nurse, and her Father want her to be a Scientist. Victoria secretly disagreed.


Victoria stuffs her backpack with books, paper and stationary. Then she rushes downstairs to have a drink, while she was running her dad shouted, " No Running In the house!!!! How many times to I have to tell you?" Victoria replied with a loud shout, "Mhm, Okay Dad sorry." Then Victoria fastly walks downstairs and pulls a small bottle of apple juice. She drank it all in 5 minutes. She decides she will go to the bus stop early. She kisses her mum on the cheek and hugs her dad. Victoria said, "Bye Mum. Bye Dad." Victoria then ran out the door and fainted with shock. In front of her house was Commander SONICTHEHEDGEHOGXX.


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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
02 Jan 2012 06:13 PM
Sorry Guys, It's not very good.
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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
02 Jan 2012 08:40 PM
I know it's not Good.
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LordHoarg is not online. LordHoarg
Joined: 31 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 220
02 Jan 2012 08:43 PM
Work on the grammar, and if you're writing a story, make it longer, OH! And you rush into things way too fast, slow the pace down, make it take time.
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awesomer28 is not online. awesomer28
Joined: 23 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 7379
02 Jan 2012 09:00 PM
I like it.

I like a story that has a girl instead of a boy as the main star.
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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
02 Jan 2012 09:02 PM
@Lord, I understand that


@Awesome, Thanks for the wonderful feedback.
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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
03 Jan 2012 05:39 PM
Book: Join the Army

By: Victoria621

Chapter 2: Joining the Army!

Victoria woke up with her mum and dad standing over her, she mumbled, " What Happened?" Victoria's mum replied, " You fainted, Then Commander Sonic came to our house and told us you were on the road. He also told us something else" Victoria's mum gulped. Then Victoria's dad finally said it, " They want you to Join the Army." Victoria felt a tickle in her heart. Her dream come true. Then her dad said, " We said no." Victoria darkend. Then she explained how she wanted to be in the army.


Then her dad and mum said at the same time, " We don't want you in the army, it's too dangerous and you might die. We don't want you to die!!!" Victoria shouted, " THIS IS MY DECISION, NOT YOURS! WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME!" Victoria ran up to her bed room, she was very red in the face. Victoria then got her backpack, Put clean clothes in. Some food and a big bottle of icy water. Then she pulled up the window and climbed out. She knew it was wrong but she had to do it. She jumped and landed on the ground and started running.
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Neowolf543 is not online. Neowolf543
Joined: 28 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 116
03 Jan 2012 06:01 PM
Victoria, It's too rushed.
Take some time and thought into your writing.
Take Brian's stories in your thought.
Make the chapters longer and stuff.
~Numquam dare, me hic manere in latus meum honorem. - ⓃⒺⓄ~
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victoria621 is not online. victoria621
Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 10449
05 Jan 2012 11:35 PM
Hmmm...... making a new chapter soon.
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