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| 29 Dec 2011 11:51 AM |
Thepwnageone was walking down a long hallway with a RAT Conscript. “How is the 7G testing going, sir?” asks the RAT conscript. Annoyed, thepwnageone replies,” For the last time they’re going fine. I just need to take a little look over the plans.” Just as he was nearing the end of the hallway, he saw a dark figure, holding a roll of paper which almost looked like…THE 7G PLANS!! Thepwnageone quickly ran towards the figure, tackling him in mid-air. The Conscript was just standing nearby, watching the whole thing. He could not believe what was happening. Just then, the top of the roof burst open, and the Conscript could barely make out a helicopter, and it was moving down towards the hole in the roof. The Conscript urged pwnage to move out of the way, or else he would be taken away. “Go…save…yourself…,” replied pwnage. The Conscript ran for his life, looking back just one more time. He saw the dark figure going into the helicopter with the plans in one hand and a gun in the other. The Figure stared at the Conscript. “Hasta Lavista.” And everything went black…
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| 29 Dec 2011 11:57 AM |
| Post your feedback here. Who knows? You might be in the next chapter. |
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ethanta67
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| Joined: 09 Mar 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1417 |
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57rusted
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| Joined: 13 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 290 |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:02 PM |
| Woah nice...I wanna read more :3 |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:04 PM |
Aaaaah, THE GRAMMAR! IIITTT BURNS!!!!!!
I'll try to fix it as best I can.
Thepwnageone was walking down a long hallway with a RAT Conscript.
“How is the 7G testing going, sir?” asked the RAT conscript.
Annoyed, thepwnageone replied,” For the last time, they’re going fine. I just need to take a little look over the plans.”
Just as he was nearing the end of the hallway, he saw a dark figure, holding a roll of paper which almost looked like…THE 7G PLANS!! Thepwnageone quickly ran towards the figure, tackling him in mid-air. The Conscript was just standing nearby, watching the whole thing. He could not believe what was happening. Just then, the top of the roof burst open, and the Conscript could barely make out a helicopter which was moving down towards the hole in the roof. The Conscript urged pwnage to move out of the way, or else he would be taken away. “Go… save…yourself…,” replied pwnage.
The Conscript ran for his life, looking back just one more time. He saw the dark figure going into the helicopter with the plans in one hand and a gun in the other. The Figure stared at the Conscript,“Hasta la vista.” And everything went black.
Better? |
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gatolin
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| Joined: 19 Oct 2007 |
| Total Posts: 8183 |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:06 PM |
| did pwnage die? oh yes he died yeah he must be dead |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:07 PM |
| one who fixes your grammar ~= hater |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:07 PM |
Nooooo, just use better grammar and not blocks of text. and we chill, man. |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:09 PM |
i don't see how it's that great.
-lrn2skill- |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:13 PM |
Nice!
Keep up the goodwork. I can't wait until the next chapter comes out!
---SJ>>> |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:22 PM |
| Chapter 1 is out! http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=60490046 |
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| 29 Dec 2011 12:39 PM |
| Don't rage at the hobbits >:O |
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Tom7896
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| Joined: 24 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 10052 |
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| 10 Sep 2012 06:14 PM |
| First comment after 8 months. |
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| 12 Jun 2013 08:10 PM |
| No offense, this is a B story. I liked how it was, but I couldn't tell where it took place. You got 85% B. Make it a little longer because I wasn't able to picture it in my mind. |
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