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| 11 Dec 2011 08:26 AM |
| WAR Once upon a time there was a peaceful tribe in a peaceful village. The land was soft as a face. Children played, adults cooked, pets slept. Then one night there was a storm. The storm was so hard it made the houses tremble, It made children cry. The storm only happens once a year, And many people called that storm, “The Storm of Hatred!" It is known that the storm last for about three or four months, But people never know when it will start , So they are never prepared, But back to the part about the storm being so destructive. "The Storm of Doom" made a lot of people want to die, Because a lot of their kids died from it , Because the storm causes lots of diseases, And the storm was in the old days so they didn't have a cure for the diseases that the children had . The tribe only had two options: Stay in one place and be prepared to die. Or fight the storm. Now, every morning the storm stopped. So they have to gather up the people who were still alive and get armored to the point when you can only breathe. Of course you would be able to move but in a very slow paste, So the tribe had to exercise. As soon as the time hit 12:01 the storm began. The tribe gathered their equipment and charged outside where the deadly storm threw knives. The tribe knew they weren't ready but they fought anyway. One man threw a sword in the air. Magically the blood of the storm came dripping down. He moved out the way when his sword came down so he wouldn't get cut. But he did hurt his hand out of how hard he threw the sword in the air. He nearly broke it. He needed to go back inside and rest but he decided it was his time to go. The man went in the center of the air and stood. The storm killed him. Morning began quickly after that happened and the stormed stopped. The next day it was hard, everyone didn’t have the energy to move. Sickness was so normal we didn’t have enough energy to worry about how they were. It was so terrifying that the storm literally struck all of their refrigerators. It was fully quiet. No noise. No sounds. And no sounds. They lost the battle. The “Storm of Doom” had won. Everything was over. (100 years later) It was 100 years later after that horrifying battle. And the “Storm of Doom” still lives. Children study the “Storm of Doom” in school and at home, To make a way to defeat it, And to learn a cure for the diseases it cost. It is said that scientist study, that in the battle, the soldiers died from sickness more than the storm. Adults study the storm to. They try to learn that in the storm what caused the diseases other than rain. It’s hard to study the storm because it’s doesn’t happen a lot like it use to. It’s like it happens once in two years! It was like the hold world was studying the “Storm of Doom!” But, the thing about it was, it was little progress. Each day the News talked about the “Storm of Doom.” So basically the storm was very mysterious! Soon the storm came again. But everyone were already ready. Kids were ever ready. Most of the people trained their pets for the storm. It started to rain HARDER! In school the kids studied that when the storm started to rain even harder it means it is crying. They really don’t know why it is crying because the last battle the storm killed 365 people in war. Maybe because the storm was spying on the people for the past 100 years. But by all means the people did do the right thing to do by studying the storm for the past 100 years. Before the battle began a leader requested a schedule for the war to began to the storm. The storm agreed to wait for the next battle. So everyone went so campus where all their equipment was. Kids packed medic packs and medicine for the soldiers. Adults packed weapons to attack the storm. The leader packed medicine, med kits, weapons, and a French Horn as a sign that the battle has started. They had an extra hour so rest so everyone was to go to sleep.Chapter 2: The boy of the unknownThere was a boy who wanted to know why no one knew him. Not just because he was unknown but just because his parents didn’t know him either. It was a lack of remembrance since the “Storm of Doom” hit everyone’s skull. So he tried making signs and posters. Nobody read them because they were trying to sleep, plus they thought he was just trying to get attention. Soon the little boy got mad. ( as you can see, the boy is the main character of this chapter.) The boy became so mad and felt so ignored that he decided to join the storm’s side. He asked the storm If he have any friends that could help destroy the citizens of the world. The storm said, “Yes, you may join my said, and I do have friends that are real destructive.. The boy smiled and said “Yay!” The storm decided that he gave the boy a name. Not a big one though. The storm named him Sparta. Sparta was satisfied with his name. Sparta even went for a walk to find animals that wanted to fight the humans. He wasn’t so successful with that. But at least he passed by a few of the storm’s friends. But the friends thought he was just against him. So Sparta escorted them to a cave where they met the “Storm of Doom.” The storm was pleased to see his friends but surprised that they thought Sparta was against him when he heard a very convincing story Sparta said to them to make sure they tried not to attack. But at least they were followed Sparta so he could at least prove he was on their side. It was only a few minutes before the battle start, so the storm had little time to train Sparta in battle. He showed him the power of the wind and how to use the wind as a sword. It took a while for him to explain the power of magic. But Sparta understood everything the storm told him, and the storm’s friends told him. Soon Sparta that he was friends with them, so he smiled as if it was one big happy family. But now the battle was ready, and all the people were outside. The ‘’Storm of Doom” and his friends ran outside like cheetahs. Sparta got all his equipment and ran outside. The leader of the citizens blew the French Horn. Not wasting any time the storm killed 100 people with one lightning bolt. It was so deadly that some kids fell from the dust of the ground collapsing. But the kids got back up because when they were studying it said that if you get back up after a attack or a explosion the storm and any ally of his will stop and think what next to do giving a chance for their enemies to fight back. By that time the citizens used that time to try stopping the wind. The people breathed less. They talked less. And they moved less. They stopped in a position of gunfire while the kids tried to revive the 100 people who died in battle 1 by 1. Sparta threw arrows. But in his head he wanted to join the people. The storm’s friends were very weak in battle because of the heavy gunfire. And one of them died. The storm was very sad to see one of his friends go, but he must keep attacking. Sparta knew that he did a bad thing to betray is family, even if they remember him. So the Sparta ran to the people’s side. And he was amazed that they didn’t shoot him. He shot the storm with an arrow, but that time he threw the bow at him too, and said “I’m not on your side anymore!” The storm felt disappointed and decided to kill Sparta. But the citizens didn’t let him. The people demanded the boy to go in a hut and be safe. Sparta did as he was told. He was happy that the people didn’t kill him even though he betrayed them. To Sparta that was a sign of love. And it was a sign of love because people came to the hut to guard the door. Everything went great. Because they won the battle! -To Be Continued- |
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| 11 Dec 2011 08:30 AM |
| you just wasted a few hours of your life typing something nobody will read |
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| 11 Dec 2011 08:54 AM |
I would read it if you spread it into clear parts and left some open spaces. But for now: too crammed, didn't read.
-T |
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| 11 Dec 2011 08:56 AM |
BTW, I saw the word refrigator. Though I bet I saw the words "old days" and "sword". LOL!
-T |
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| 11 Dec 2011 10:46 AM |
| Ok, I will fix it a little better. Using paragraphs, Plus, I didn't waste a lot of hours writing that. I wrote it a few weeks ago and decided to make it in a forum. When i copied and paste it, It didn't sow any paragraphs. So I guess I have to copy & paste it again while proofreading it. By, Putting paragraphs in it. |
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| 11 Dec 2011 10:51 AM |
WAR Once upon a time there was a peaceful tribe in a peaceful village. The land was soft as a face. Children played, adults cooked, pets slept. Then one night there was a storm. The storm was so hard it made the houses tremble, It made children cry. The storm only happens once a year, And many people called that storm, “The Storm of Hatred!" It is known that the storm last for about three or four months, But people never know when it will start , So they are never prepared, But back to the part about the storm being so destructive. "The Storm of Doom" made a lot of people want to die, Because a lot of their kids died from it , Because the storm causes lots of diseases, And the storm was in the old days so they didn't have a cure for the diseases that the children had . The tribe only had two options: Stay in one place and be prepared to die. Or fight the storm. Now, every morning the storm stopped. So they have to gather up the people who were still alive and get armored to the point when you can only breathe. Of course you would be able to move but in a very slow paste, So the tribe had to exercise.
As soon as the time hit 12:01 the storm began. The tribe gathered their equipment and charged outside where the deadly storm threw knives. The tribe knew they weren't ready but they fought anyway. One man threw a sword in the air. Magically the blood of the storm came dripping down. He moved out the way when his sword came down so he wouldn't get cut. But he did hurt his hand out of how hard he threw the sword in the air. He nearly broke it. He needed to go back inside and rest but he decided it was his time to go.
The man went in the center of the air and stood. The storm killed him. Morning began quickly after that happened and the stormed stopped. The next day it was hard, everyone didn’t have the energy to move. Sickness was so normal we didn’t have enough energy to worry about how they were. It was so terrifying that the storm literally struck all of their refrigerators. It was fully quiet. No noise. No sounds. And no sounds. They lost the battle. The “Storm of Doom” had won. Everything was over. (100 years later) It was 100 years later after that horrifying battle. And the “Storm of Doom” still lives. Children study the “Storm of Doom” in school and at home, To make a way to defeat it, And to learn a cure for the diseases it cost. It is said that scientist study, that in the battle, the soldiers died from sickness more than the storm.
Adults study the storm to. They try to learn that in the storm what caused the diseases other than rain. It’s hard to study the storm because it’s doesn’t happen a lot like it use to. It’s like it happens once in two years! It was like the hold world was studying the “Storm of Doom!” But, the thing about it was, it was little progress. Each day the News talked about the “Storm of Doom.” So basically the storm was very mysterious! Soon the storm came again. But everyone were already ready. Kids were ever ready. Most of the people trained their pets for the storm. It started to rain HARDER! In school the kids studied that when the storm started to rain even harder it means it is crying. They really don’t know why it is crying because the last battle the storm killed 365 people in war. Maybe because the storm was spying on the people for the past 100 years. But by all means the people did do the right thing to do by studying the storm for the past 100 years. Before the battle began a leader requested a schedule for the war to began to the storm. The storm agreed to wait for the next battle. So everyone went so campus where all their equipment was.
Kids packed medic packs and medicine for the soldiers. Adults packed weapons to attack the storm. The leader packed medicine, med kits, weapons, and a French Horn as a sign that the battle has started. They had an extra hour so rest so everyone was to go to sleep.Chapter 2: The boy of the unknownThere was a boy who wanted to know why no one knew him. Not just because he was unknown but just because his parents didn’t know him either. It was a lack of remembrance since the “Storm of Doom” hit everyone’s skull. So he tried making signs and posters. Nobody read them because they were trying to sleep, plus they thought he was just trying to get attention. Soon the little boy got mad. ( as you can see, the boy is the main character of this chapter.) The boy became so mad and felt so ignored that he decided to join the storm’s side. He asked the storm If he have any friends that could help destroy the citizens of the world. The storm said, “Yes, you may join my said, and I do have friends that are real destructive.. The boy smiled and said “Yay!” The storm decided that he gave the boy a name. Not a big one though. The storm named him Sparta. Sparta was satisfied with his name. Sparta even went for a walk to find animals that wanted to fight the humans. He wasn’t so successful with that. But at least he passed by a few of the storm’s friends.
But the friends thought he was just against him. So Sparta escorted them to a cave where they met the “Storm of Doom.” The storm was pleased to see his friends but surprised that they thought Sparta was against him when he heard a very convincing story Sparta said to them to make sure they tried not to attack. But at least they were followed Sparta so he could at least prove he was on their side. It was only a few minutes before the battle start, so the storm had little time to train Sparta in battle. He showed him the power of the wind and how to use the wind as a sword. It took a while for him to explain the power of magic. But Sparta understood everything the storm told him, and the storm’s friends told him. Soon Sparta that he was friends with them, so he smiled as if it was one big happy family. But now the battle was ready, and all the people were outside. The ‘’Storm of Doom” and his friends ran outside like cheetahs. Sparta got all his equipment and ran outside.
The leader of the citizens blew the French Horn. Not wasting any time the storm killed 100 people with one lightning bolt. It was so deadly that some kids fell from the dust of the ground collapsing. But the kids got back up because when they were studying it said that if you get back up after a attack or a explosion the storm and any ally of his will stop and think what next to do giving a chance for their enemies to fight back. By that time the citizens used that time to try stopping the wind. The people breathed less. They talked less. And they moved less. They stopped in a position of gunfire while the kids tried to revive the 100 people who died in battle 1 by 1. Sparta threw arrows. But in his head he wanted to join the people. The storm’s friends were very weak in battle because of the heavy gunfire. And one of them died.
The storm was very sad to see one of his friends go, but he must keep attacking. Sparta knew that he did a bad thing to betray is family, even if they remember him. So the Sparta ran to the people’s side. And he was amazed that they didn’t shoot him. He shot the storm with an arrow, but that time he threw the bow at him too, and said “I’m not on your side anymore!” The storm felt disappointed and decided to kill Sparta. But the citizens didn’t let him. The people demanded the boy to go in a hut and be safe. Sparta did as he was told. He was happy that the people didn’t kill him even though he betrayed them. To Sparta that was a sign of love. And it was a sign of love because people came to the hut to guard the door. Everything went great. Because they won the battle! |
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| 11 Dec 2011 10:55 AM |
| It started with "Once upon a time" and I left. |
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| 11 Dec 2011 10:58 AM |
| You guys have to start getting interested in books & stories or you can't succeed in many things in life. |
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| 11 Dec 2011 11:00 AM |
It was pretty good but I don't see how a storm could throw knifes and all that.
-T |
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| 11 Dec 2011 11:02 AM |
| @hitt; Bro, read my story. http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=58570966 |
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| 11 Dec 2011 11:53 AM |
| @terrifying, The story is a fantasy. @pure Ok i'll read it. |
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| 14 Dec 2011 08:58 PM |
| XD theres some funny feedback ya got here! |
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| 15 Dec 2011 07:02 PM |
@hittwiner
If your staring with once upon a time it will make a good kid story or even a horror if you do it right but if its serious it is advised not to do that..
ALWAYS SPACE! It makes the reader see it better and let it flow!
Other than that all I could tell you is revise, revise, revise and grammar, grammar, grammar.
You grammar is good but its what anybody would tell you :)... You wanna RP some time you'd be awesome! You'd make any RP more interesting! |
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| 15 Dec 2011 07:26 PM |
That is very true. On my new story I could use that info.
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=59579467
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